Happy New Year

Happy New Year Folks!!

Thank you for reading my blog, I wish you a very happy 2014! It is what YOU make it! Make the best of it, do your best and the important thing is to be happy with yourself. If you are, nothing else matters!

Two days Left!

Wow... Hello! Yeah, I did have time to write here before new year! Oh yeah!

All right! What have I been doing since last time I wrote here.... Well, I've only been playing games and relaxing... Played Primal Carnage and GTA 5 and a lot of Sims 3 (I'm getting Sims University soon! YAY! I've been waiting for it!) and besides that... Nothing much... Just relaxing a lot since these last months have been kind of hard on me. But it feels SO good that everything is over.

Right, I was going to tell you why I hate Christmas so much... For me, it's the worst holiday and it's probably not because of the things you expect.

Yeah, my family comes together to tell me how useless and worthless I am and it bothers me a lot... I feel asleep one Christmas because I was so bored. I was at my fathers house and, I was pretty young and all you hear is how great it is with presents, so after I got my presents, there was  A LOT more to give and all I had to do was watch others open their presents so I fell asleep... again, I was young, I don't think like that anymore.

The food.... is disguisting! I don't know what they have all around other countries, but here in Sweden we have a special soda for Christmas and I feel sick every time I drink it. I really don't feel well when drinking it and of course my family can't remember that so I end up feeling really sick every christmas. The food... We have a ham that you eat and I can't stand it, it tastes.... Eu. So I don't eat that either. I don't drink mulled so that's off the menu too for me, the hotdog and selfmade meatballs.... See how fun it is to have me around on Christmas? It's not! I know it, my family tells me that every year. I don't eat anything, I don't drink anything so I'm just there for company and seeing how useless and worthless I am that's great company!

And here's the big part... The thing that makes Christmas the worst holiday... Because all that I get any time I see my family so....

I don't like getting presents. I really don't! There's so much demands in getting presents. You HAVE to like it no matter what it is. You HAVE to look happy and please. You HAVE to thank the person. You HAVE to get that person a present. You HAVE to use it at least ONCE until they're happy and they have to see you use it... I really hate getting presents! Even if it's something I like... There was something I used to do before, when I was young which was the funniest thing in the world for me.. I used to guess what was in the prackages. I felt it and listened and stuff like that and I loved it since I usually got it right! But then my family didn't think it was as fun that I could guess it so I had to stop... Now that's a reminder that I can't guess anymore no matter if I'm right or not.... So no! I don't like getting presents! I LOVE to give, I'm giver not a getter so... Please! Don't get me presents..

I've said to my friends too, don't give me presents because I don't like to get those and they listen to it and they don't. It's so... liberating not having to worry "am I going to like it?", "What did you get me?", "how much did you pay for it?" and so on.. Meow! No, I'm much happier that you want to be my friend. I don't need anything for it, your friendship is enough! All I ask is that you take your time and see me once in a while. That's all!

And that's another thing... You give each other presents once a year, and on their birthdays? I give things just because I want my friends to be happy. I don't care if its their birthday or if tis the season. No, screw that! I want to see my friends happy and if I see something that I think they'll like I'll buy it. If I think they'll be happy for something I can make, I'll make it! I don't wait around for that day... Those days are just there for familys to get together and scold you! That's all they're there for... And I'll endure it every year... And if you're wondering, yeah I don't like celebrating my birthday either. It's the same rutin except everybody is looking at you instead of their own presents... Oh, and I don't like cake either...

Just... Don't give me presents... Don't feed me.... Just be with me and have fun with me. That's all I'm asking.

Swedish Christmas!

Well! Today is Christmas! .... Yeah, I don't like christmas, but I'll tell you about that when Christmas is over! Today I'm going to try to have a jolly time! And so....

I bought Primal Carnage today!!! And it works on my computer!!! Oh God, I'm going to spend a lot of time playing that game... I'm hoping... Yeah, I kind of suck at gameplay, so hopefully I can manage this! I'll do my best anyway because it looks a lot of fun! But I'll have to do that after the Christmas celebration!

And here's a photo of one of the things I've been sewing this December. Merry Christmas to everyone who's reading this!

23 December

Oh, wow... It's been a while since I wrote here... Sorry about that but I've been pretty busy...

I've worked on the Christmas photostory, sewing stuff for my dolls, presents and their Christmas outfits.  I've been writing a script for the photostory and I've been photographing it!

Oh, and I worked on Mother's Christmas present as well which was a pen drawing of her idol which took some time to do... I used an A2 format and worked four hours a day since that's when mother was at work.

So there's been A LOT! I've worked with this from 11am to about 10pm. I haven't gotten much rest, my body is breaking everytime I move... or it feels like it.. My legs are so stiff that everytime I move they hurt and sometimes it hurts so much that I can't move it. My chest, already having problems before this, is pretty much the same... It hurts SO much sometimes that I can't breath.

But!! It's all worth it, I'm not really complaining, I'm just.... This is the penalty I pay for all the great stuff I get to do. So I'm not complaining. I'm just telling you some facts. Although I'm not done yet. Yesterday I celebrated Christmas so I couldn't really work that day... Although when I finally got to relax I noticed how tired I actually were! But, anyway! Not the point. The point is that satturday I photographed a lot... Didn't have time with everything because around 8pm I kind of collapsed because I was so tired... Didn't plan on that! Hopefully it won't happen today. So, today I'm going to photograph the last things! The photostory and hopefully the outfits, depending on how late it turns out to be when I'm done.

Tomorrow is Christmas! ... At least for us Sweds... So tomorrow I'm not going to do anything but open presents and be sick from all the Christmas food so, I'm hoping I get everything finished today so that all I need to do on the 25th is post and rest! ... And buy GTA 5 with my birthday money! Well! I'm probably going to be more active here again, now that everything for Christmas is done! See you later!! Bye bye now! Take care and have a wonderful christmas on the 25th!

Months of Holidays

Yay! The Halloween rush is over!
... And what comes after the Halloween rush? ... No, not Thanksgiving! We don't celebrate thanksgiving in Sweden! So... Now it's... Christmas rush! Yay!

I'm not really going to have the time or strength to uptade in a while... This Sunday is my birthday so I'm going to have a hard time with that... Then I have Christmas presents and more costumes to my dolls! Yay! After that.... Probably sometime next year I'm going to post a few pictures of my work I think ... I have a lot to do.. Still getting little sleep so not much energy, but I'll do my best as always!

"Take care now, bye bye then!"

Mother's love

Okay... Hi! Hello! Love you all and stuff like that... Right now I'm slightly irritated and... Yeah! I'm gonna complain a little!

My mother... Lovely mother. Absolutely love her! Well... I don't like it when she's searching job for me. I know, I should take every help that I can get and that I shouldn't be picky about the job or anything like that, but I'm sorry! I can't do that! I can't work on something I don't like! So!

Yesterday she handed me a work-thing... I told her that I have difficulties talking in the phone.. Or rather calling. I panic everytime I'm calling someone. So finally she picked up on that and handed me a paper about a job which didn't require me answering a phone or anything. And I appriciated that. I was just so glad that my mother took in what I said and that she thought about it. I was really happy about it!

Then I get an email from her this morning... Turns out she doesn't listen to everything I say. She says: "I thought you would like this, like you did the other thing! It's different!" ... Well yeah, I'm all for different but... This is not different. I told her, during the cruise, which is a little more than a week ago! That I HATE dancing! I can't STAND to dance, the coreograph and that there's just one way to do it ang urgh! I absolutely hate dancing, and I said that to her, in that way! What does she do? She sends me an add on a dancing job?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Yesterday she had taken in everything that I said! Today, not so much! This is why I don't like it when someone searches a job for me! They just... "I thought you would like it!" Oh yeah! But I told you I hate dancing.... Ehum, I don't really see how they come together. Nope! So yeah! Now I'm irritated and I'm going to work on a dress right now and I'm shaking for all the frustration... Why? Just, just... Why? We had a moment and then you go around and ruin it! Why do you keep doing that?! .... It's a mother's job to ruin good moments. But I still love her.

Love your mum because all they're trying to do is help you. That's all they're doing.

Sp33dy & CO.

Okay.. You all know that I've dreamt nothing but nightmares for the past month.. This night I dreamt one awesome dream!

I dreamt that I was in the GTA V game as one of the characters. Not only that, but Speedy, TheG18, Deluxe 4, NobodyEpic, Im Jahova and SideArms was there too. (If you don't know who these are, check them out on Speedy's channel: http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEe076nFuVobN0bAsXK7ICw )

Anyway, we were being hunted by a gang and... It's GTA so cars were flying everywhere, G18 stole a plane (of course) and flew around in that and finally our car and the gangs car broke down, by this point, Deluxe 4 was dead and NobodyEpic was gone somewhere. So it was me, Speedy, Jahova and SideArms running away from the gang members and avoiding gunshots. We tried to hide behind a bench to avoid the bullets (there were dead civilians on the bench so we used their bodys as a shield) but then Speedy died. SideArms finally just ran towards the gang and hid behind the wall closer to them. Jahova screamed "You're crazy!" after him, while I thought: "He didn't die from that. Speedy died right next to me, but SideArms who ran towards them are still alive". So I ran too, Jahova trying to stop me, but I managed to hide behind another wall close to the gang members. After that Jahova died. It was just me and SideArms left and he said: "We can take them. You and me!" I saw his gun in his and so I reached down in my pocket and felt nothing but fabric. "I have no weapon" I said and then I woke up.

... I don't concider this a Nightmare because, all the time I knew I was in GTA V. Those who died would spawn somewhere else and we just had so much fun. We were just playing a game of GTA V, that's all. Although I was in the game playing... Anyway! I wanted to go back to sleep and continue the dream, but... I can't! Oh, well.. It was an awesome dream anyway! Now I really want to buy the GTA V game... Bye!

Authors Cruise Part 2

So, now I'm home and yeah... During the cruise I did feel that I didn't belong there.
I got to talk with one author and she says: If you want to become a writer you have to have something to say.

I felt that I didn't have anything to say with my stories... Why was I writing them? Because I have so much fun when I write and I want other people to experience that fun... But I don't really have anything to say with them. Although on the way home I thought about my stories more... A moral. That's what I'm focusing about more now with my stories.. Is that considering something to say about my stories? But then again, there are some successful authors out there who doesn't have a moral and still get the book published so... or am I just imagining something? I don't know! That statement was so confusing to me! But then again, that author wrote criminal novels and I write fantasy horror novels so maybe it's just a different type of genre? I have no clue! But... Yeah... Enough about my confusion! Don't get me wrong! It was a honor to speak to the author and I'm just so greatful that she took the time and talk to me and everything! So, I'm not complaining here! I'm just saying what I'm thinking, since this is my blog, that's what I should do here!

It was STILL one of my best experiences in my life and... If it weren't for my seasickness I would definitly do it again! But.. I just feel so sick and get a headache and so I can't really concentrate. But still.. So greatful to be on that cruise! It was wonderful and I just can't believe I got to meet so many great authors! Yeah! And yeah, I got a little starstruck at one point! Great experience! Loved it! Bye!

Authors Cruise

Holy crap! Today I'm going on that cruise with all the authors I'm sure I've mentioned before and... I'm nervous!! I'm so nervous! Of course I dreamt a nightmare about it, but I don't care! I don't know if I want to go... But I do... I've been looking forward to this for months! I'm not going to cancel but I feel that familiar feeling of not belonging. Maybe I shouldn't be there because I don't belong there... I hate that feeling... But anyway! Today I'm off!

12:30 pm November 15

....My plan didn't work. I still dreamt Nightmares this night (or morning).... Maybe I should get a dreamcatcher... But I'm afraid that would attract something else. Or maybe it doesn't work and it was just a waste of money... I don't know. This is so tiresome!

3:20 am November 15

Still Awake!

*playing games and quoting Nostalgia Critic* My throat is really sore! It's pretty fun to listen to...
Hum.. I was thinking.. I haven't written a positive post for a while.. So... Here goes: Even though my nights consist of nothing but misery my days is pretty good. I'm just tired due to exhaustion over not much sleep. Other than that... Oh, and friends who keep abandoning me, other than that, I'm having fun and a mother and brother who loves me.

The halloween costumes I worked on over the month of October turned out Great! I got some really nice comments about them and so I'm glad! I even inspired some people with it and isn't that every artist's dream? To inspire people? So yeah, that went great! The novel... I haven't written on in a month since I was too exhausted and stuff like that, but I'm planning on getting on that as soon as I get some resemblence in a good night sleep.

For two days I've had a headache due to lack of sleep, I've barely been able to get out of bed in those two days, only now I'm resembling a person and not a zombie. I don't have a lot of energy seeing how most of my energy is spent running away from monsters in my dreams. So yeah.. This week I'm probably just gonna gather the strength so I can go on this cruise that I'm going on this sunday... It's a cruise for writers (not for me, but other writers) so that's going to be fun and I need as much energy for that as possible. ... Ignore the fact that I'm awake now! I'm only awake now so I can sleep better! .. hopefully.

Other than that... Since I miss writing a love story so much I've started on a sidestory, one that I'm not really paying much attention to, and I can write it while I'm super tired and still be fine with the result. That way I can still work on the big novel and I'm still happy with a love story on the side and stuff like that. It's just to keep my writing inspiration in a place while I'm still too tired to work on a bigger project.

And now I'm getting too tired to even write here, so I'm just gonna turn in... And now the clock is 3:37 am here in Sweden and I'm probably gonna be awake for a little while longer, but yeah! Wish me a good luck to get a good night sleep! It's been a while! but yeah.. Here's hoping! Good night people of the world!! Sleep well for me!

2:20 am November 15

To be quating ParaNorman: "I don't want to go to sleep. And you can't make me."

Nightmares still haunt me... And I'm kind of tired of that. So... Tonight I don't want to sleep at all. I'm just going to have an awful experience and wake up tired anyway so why bother? I rather be up all night watching CinemaSins or Nostalgia Critic or even Speedy! I don't want to sleep and have those nightmares!

Although my head is starting to get REALLY tired so my guess is I won't be awake for much longer... Oh, well! I'm gonna try to be up as long as possible so much that I pass out and my mind is too tired to come up with any nightmares! Yeah!! That's a great idea!! Fucking fabulous!

A Real Laugh

You know another fun thing to do, that can be really hilarious!
If you're talking to a friend on the phone and the friend have been talking for about five minutes without your response... Hang up on them and then wait and see how long it takes for them to realize that you've hung up.

It's hilarious! I did it a long time ago when I used to talk to peopke on the phone. One of my friends talked and talked and talked and I tried to say something but I was cut off all the time. So I just hung up. Half an hour later my friend called up again. I told her that I hung up and she said that she just continue to talk without knowing and we had some laugh about that! Of course I had to listen to what she said later, but my mood was definitly better so.. It was fun. Try it for yourself if you ever talk on the phone with someone and feel like they wouldn't notice if you hung up. You'll have a real laugh!

Dreams and Nightmares

OMG YES!

I think I've told you that I've only dreamt nightmares in the last month or something. Tonight was the first dream I dreamt that wasn't a nightmare in a long time!!Yes!
And what is the first normal dream about? A meeting with Doug Walker and Linkara. I had so much fun in that dream! We laughed and we joked and we discussed reviews and favourite jokes and... it was just so much fun. Let's hope I don't dream a nightmare again for a while now.

Alone

I'm shaking. I'm actually shaking.

... I don't feel so good. It hasn't been the best morning. I overslept... I cut myself in the shower... I have trouble eating and... What's the other thing? Oh yeah, another friend cancelled on me again... This friend has never done it before.. Apparently she made up for lost time seeing how she did it three times in a row. And now I don't feel so good. Not at all..

I think I'm hungry... My stomach is acting up, but my throat doesn't want to let anything through. Probably because I have a huge lump filled with cry in it. Yeah, that's probably it.

Now that I'm feeling like this I should probably write, seeing how the next scene I'm writing on is a fight scene... But I don't have the strength for that. Probably because of the hunger... And the fact that I'm tired...

I should sew, to get the Halloween costumes finished, but.. the fabric I'm working on right now is irritating the hell our of me so I don't want to do that... I want to sew for my newest arrival but again... No strength for that...

I'm trying to be happy, so I read a little in Skulduggery Pleasant... But all I could think about was that I wanted Skulduggery to be here, comforting me. Although he would probably just threaten or punch the person who hurt me and I don't want that. But he probably would make me laugh at the same time.

I just want to go back to bed and sleep this day away... However my sleep always great me with nightmares so it wouldn't be so pleasant... Can I die? A deep sleep without any dreams... And I don't need to get my heart broken anymore... that sounds pleasant. Also if I were dead then people wouldn't feel like they have to meet me. That would be good for them too.

Can I just please live in excile? Just put me on an Island somewhere with my computer (without internet connection) and a lexicon and my Skulduggery Pleasant books so that all I can do with my life is write? Please?

October the month, by Kagi Warai

I haven't written here in a while.... But you probably already knew that so that's no surprise. However why.... is probably not a surprise either but I'll tell you otherwise. I've been really busy. There's a LOT going on now, like all Octobers I have a lot planned because my favourite holiday is coming up. Yes! My favourite holiday isn't Christmas or Easter or anything where you actually get presents. My favourite holiday is Halloween because that means that you get to dress up and scare the SHIT out of everyone! It's so hillarious! I remember one time when I was out, dressed out and walked in to a store. On my way out I bumped into a kid and as soon as our eyes met he went "Wow!" It was so funny and such a wonderful moment that I bring with me everytime this holiday come up. I have so much fond memories of Halloween however Christmas and Easter I don't have very fond memories... Not at all. Especially Christmas. I hate Christmas! But we'll take that story once it comes to that.

Yeah! Busy busy busy! I have got my new doll by the way! He's here, safe and sound.... with a extra head? .... Okay, I'm all for that! However it means I have another head without a body at my lap... Great. Oh well! Right now I have eight dolls! However only seven of those needs new clothes for Halloween. So I'm working on that right now..... Which means.... I've out away some of the writing... I feel really bad about that, but I'm sorry I can't work on that and the Halloween outfits at the same time. I just can't do it, it's too stressful! And I really don't need anymore stress because my body won't take it. However! I'm almost done with this novel! I just have a few pages left to write and I feel really good about that! So, I'm done with two Halloween outfits, I'm almost done with the third (I only have a detailed coat left to do so) I'm confident that I'll be finished until October 31.

Well! Since my brain can't really relax while I'm working on this Halloween project I'm also thinking a lot about my stories. I'm almost finished with this one and so... How to move on from there? What should be my next story? How will I know this one will finish? What made me continue writing on the one I'm working on now? What's new? What's Kagi? That's a lot of questions I'm working on right now. I've gone though a lot of ideas in my head while writing this one and no one has really poped like "I think I want to continue this story up until the end". I've gone through different characters that hasn't clicked with me, stories that sounds great but for a longer project... Not so much. The second last one I thought up of a design for a creature, combining everything I like and want to write about, I thought about the co-characters, the villain..... The villain... There's where it didn't click. I didn't really want to have a villain, however I needed a climax in the end, but... It felt like I had all these puzzlepieces but a lot of them was from different puzzles. However I liked the characters so I really wanted it to work! But no matter how hard I thought and how hard I tried to fit the puzzlepieces wouldn't fit together. So! Not I've taken one of those characters and put him in another story. Now! Finally it feels like a complete puzzle! I'm just working on the details and I'm hoping that I want to continue on this story.

On top of all these things, I'm having REAL trubble with sleep. Yeah... that thing... Well, I can't remember the last time I had a good dream. Must be about... Four... five months back? Maybe even longer than that? I have nightmares every night. I had a dream that I was in the GTA world, being hunted by the police, it sounds great and it kind of was. However when you feel your heart beat and you're out of breath because you're trying to run from the cops and hiding in a cliff hearing the sirens and seeing the blue and red light above your head and you're just praying that they won't find you... That turns into a nightmare. Last night I had two nightmares. I dreamt that the dust in my room turned into a slug, and from my bed I watched how it grew from gray flewing things into something solid and then changed colors into brown and then we have a slug crawling over my floor. However when it couldn't find any food to eat it turned into this long, hard, sticky thing.... I can't really describe it, but it was weird! In that dream me and my mother cleaned my room. And in that sense I kind of wanted to go back to it so that I had a clean room. But! I cleaned today so now I do have a clean room (and I didn't find any slugs! Yay!) The second nightmare I had was about horses. I LOVE horses, they're a thing of beauty that no one can replicate with their long legs, strong muscular bodies, their expressive eyes that has this history and... Yeah, horses are beautiful animals. However after I stopped talking to my friend (it's a long complicated story that's between us... or it SHOULD BE!) after that I've kind of had nightmares about horses where there's just... I can see a horse running in the paddock and I know that it was a horse I've met, it has this grey tone to it, every time! It has this dark feeling to it. Almost as if the horses are saying: "Why did you abandon us?" ... I don't like that. It doesn't really feel right. I've never felt that before EVER! And.. I don't know what to do.

One last thing I'll talk about while we're on the subject of animals. I'm thinking a lot of my grandmother's cats that passed away... one in 2012 and the other one... A long time ago. Lately I'm thinking about them more and.. they were such beautiful cats. I had such a connection towards them. I'll probably do another post just about them and how wonderful they were, not just towards me, but towards each other. They had such a connection and... Yeah, all I'm saying now is that I'm thinking about them a lot and I really miss them.

So yeah! A lot going on! Sewing, planning Halloween, nightmares and sleepless nights, new stories and the loss of two wonderful cats... Just a normal day in Kagi's life! I'm just trying to keep up and not let my mind wonder too far away with me... Also.... How come LM.C doesn't give out an album this year?! That's just wrong!! Oh well, I'll get one in Febuary next year. I'll have to settle with their awesome singles this year. Bye!!

The horror of 9/25 continues....

OMG! And then a man hits me on the elbow on the bus! And I'm extremly sensitive about my elbows, so now it doesn't work anymore! This day just gets worse and worse!

25th September 2013

This day sucks... Yeah, another bad day! What a surprise right?

I was supposed to meet up a friend today.. What a surprice he cancelled... Just like my other friends... And my father... and my sister... What the hell is wrong with me?! Can anybody tell me? Why does nobody want to see me? What the hell am I doing wrong? What am I doing to people? I don't hit them, I don't insult them (intentionally) all we ever do is laugh together... STILL no one wants to see me. Why? Maybe I should start punching people! Maybe then people will see me...

I don't know what to do.... I don't know what I'm doing wrong...

Oh, and my videocamera broke down too. It says the memory is full but it can't find the videos I've been filming. I have them in the computer, so the videos aren't lost. I just can't film anything new because the memory is full. But it says that I don't have any videos in it. ... This day sucks...

Fun little Game

Here's a fun little game to play: Try talking to your friends without asking one question and still keep the conversation alive.

Bad day

Since the computer kept forsaking me I went to the television instead... It gave me a look on when Neil Patric Harris singing in How I met your Mother!

Nothing's Carved in Stone

Nothing's carved in stone... A great band! I think.. Red Light is my favourite... Or The Silver Sun Rise up High... Both of those songs makes me shiver every time I hear them.

First time I heard them was with Zetsuen no Tempest... Great anime! And yeah I started to really like the opening song and I was wondering who was doing those songs. The voice and the guitar...s is just... They make such good music. And even if they sing in english (I usually have a hard time with english songs since they get so boring for me) But these... Every single song fills me with feelings and that's so hard to do! I love this band and I wish they just get to create more songs because they're so beautiful! I've listened to them... in a week now and their songs get stuck in my head and I can't seem to get them out. Nor do I want to get them out because they are good songs! So I'm really glad that I found this band! And I just want to share it with the rest of the world because... that's what I do! If I like something I share it!

Please listen and support Nothing's Carved in Stone because... They deserve it for creating such beautiful music!

... I promise the next post won't be a commersial for something! .. if you could call this a commersial.. Anyway! I'll make something different in the next post!

A day

I've had a great day! No seriously, I have! However my head is REALLY fuzzy right now so bear with my language because I assure you I'm probably going to lack some grammar and spelling... Anyway!

I've read, which was awesome! As always. After that I wrote a bit.. I wasn't at all into it when I started. I've come to a chapter that is pretty boring and I really don't want to write it. However after a while my brain started to work again and I wrote a little more than a 1000 words today! So that's good. I also got my new game today! Yay! So I played on that a little... Love it! And after that I watched a movie... I was going to draw some things while it was playing but.. I got so caught up in the movie that I couldn't do it... yay. Oh well! So after that I watched some TV with my mother and now I'm going to play some Sims... I didn't get to draw today, which is pretty unfortunate. But! There's a day tomorrow and hopefully I will end this chapter soon so I can start with the ending of the book! It's going to happen soon and it's pretty.. I'm nervous! It's going to be the first story I've finished since I was really young! Hehe.. It's nerv wracking, but still pretty fun!

Oh well! I'm gonna eat something and watch Nostalgia Critic before I turn my attention to Sims! Have a great evening... or night... or whatever it is you're having!

Frustration!!

Yeah! As the title indicates I'm feeling really frustrated. My fingers are tingling, I can feel right now how they just dance over the keyboard and loving every minute of it... Every inch of me... No! That's a lie, my stomach and chest are burning with inspiration. I kind of had that coming. I.. haven't written since Monday. I've been really busy this week and I also had some serious pain in my chest on Tuesday  so I've been trying my best to calm me down. Which means, not getting worked up and write (since I'm really passionate about it my heart beats like I'm looking at the love of my life whenever I write). So because of that I'm feeling a longing to write like I always do after a pause. Also I had that dream this night that got me thinking about my stories and storytelling and stuff like that...

There happened another thing as well.. I didn't mean for it to happen! I bought Band Hero the other day and I thought since I can't write I'll play that for a bit... There was one song in there, can't remember the name right now, that really got me inspired. The song wasn't interesting at all, in fact I have a really hard time getting into english songs because I can't hear the song or instruments or anything, I just hear the lyrics and what they're saying. This lyrics.. it was so beautiful. I felt something while I read that lyrics and... I just wanted to listen to that song over and over just because of the lyrics. So yeah! Inspiration just flooding everywhere! However I got some really bad news... It's that time in the month for me so... I'm in so much pain right now that pills doesn't work AND I can't move out of my bed much. I get really weak when it's that time in the month and so writing? Not happening that much...

It just... frustrates me! I'm also reading dramas right now, while I'm in bed I can't do much, but read and play Sims and watch movies. So! I'm reading dramas and so I really want to write a love story again. I really do! And I'm thinking more about my next story. That one isn't a love story, not that passionate love story anyway, but! There's a side story in there that is a passionate, dramatic love story and I'm thinking about writing some of it down. Maybe precent it here? And it's a side story so I don't have to put all my energy to it so I hope I'll still be able to write the big story as well. I'm just... hoping! But as said.. My whole body is concentrated on the pain that I'm feeling right now, so I can't really write right now, but... I'll think about it more. Do you think it'll be OK if I presented that side story here? Give you a little piece once a week? Oh, why am I asking? Of course it is! All right, I'll say this! If you don't like the idea speak up now! .............................. No objections! OK! Let me just think for a bit and I'll let you know if I'm going to do it or not! Now I'm probably going to play Sims so that I get all this inspiration away and then I'm probably going to watch a "My Cat From Hell" episode before I'll try to get some sleep. Hopefully the pills will start working so that I actually can sleep! Yes! Sounds like a goood plan! ... Oyasuminasai!

Thursday and Thursnight

OK. I'm dead. Thursday killed me! ..... I'm just kidding! No it didn't. I'm just really tired because it's been kind of intense the whole week. Well! Yesterday was fine, it was kind of nice. Well, as nice as it could be with my grandmother. We didn't fight, she actually listened to what I said and we could carry a conversation like normal people. So that was nice! We went to the museum. And after that we had ice cream! So a pretty good day!

The night was... I so want to experience the night again. I usually have nightmares every night, this night I had a wonderful dream! .. That I can't remember!! I remember bits and pieces and one character that was wonderful but... I don't remember the contest, I don't remember backrounds I don't remember anything like that and I KNOW I had it set up in my dream! It was like experience one of my stories in a dream and I just can't remember it! I really wanted to turn it into a story! But... as it looks right now I can't. I can't remember it! It's frustrating!!

Something wicked this way comes

I don't want tomorrow! It's going to be a horrible day tomorrow! Can't I just be sick tomorrow?
*sigh*

I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow... Really not. My grandmother have somehow gotten this weird idea, stupid idea that her and me are going to spend some time tomorrow at a museum. Sure it's fun to go to a museum, I've been to this particular museum once with school and it was fun. But the idea of spending time with a grandmother that is behaving like Cruela De Vil... She's nagging, she's talking down to people that are different, she complains about everything... There's a scene in the first animated movie where De Vil questions someones driving while she drives like a maniac. I've heard that line from my grand mother all my life. And that woman wants to spend time with someone who strive towards different? What the hell is she thinking?

It's probably not going to be as bad as I think it's going to be, but... I don't have high hopes and I just hope the day goes by quickly so that I can just go home and be... home!

I can't believe it!

OMG! OMG! OMG!
I have it! It's in my bookcase! A mounth before the release!! I bought it! I own it! And it's supposed to be out on September 29th!! I thought this would never happen because I live in Sweden but... It's here! I've held it, I've hugged it, I've read the text on the back.. My own Skulduggery Pleasant: The Last Stand of the Dead Men.

Thinking ahead

Since the other one got so long I figured I'll write another one today. Two in one day, I do spoil you!
I finished another chapter of my story yesterday and I've come pretty far. There's not much left. So I've beginning to think of a new story, what I might write after this. I know I have a lot of ideas already in my head, but I don't really want to write them right now. I don't want to start writing on something and then just stop before I've finished it. This story I'm writing on now might be the first one I've finished since I was fourteen years old. I'm 22 now, by the way. So I kind of wonder... What makes this story diffirent from all the other ones I've started? Why can I finish this one and not any other? I haven't come up with the real answer yet. I thought it was like any other story, but apparently not since I'm finishing this one. So I thought, maybe it's because the character have a goal? All my other characters doesn't seem to have a goal they just accept the things I lay opon them. I don't know.

This weekened I was faced with warmth and my inspiration came from that. A family reunion. With magic and wonders. I pictured something similar to the situation I was. Everyone just having fun in their own way. I tried to expand on that idea there, but ended up with nothing. But the scene stuck in my head and I've thought about it more. What if, I put something I experienced in these stories... Will it be easier to finish them then?

I lost a very dear friend of mine. Turns out she wasn't what I thought she was. I thought she was much stronger than she showed me, but it turns out she was just a coward hiding from reality in all the little troubles she could find. She treated me like... I don't know, not as a person anyway and I didn't like that. I wasn't feeling well at the time, the year 2012 really broke me down, so I broke the contact with her. Figured I really needed to get better, to get back to my old strong self. I figured I could use this in my next story. On the way home, me and my mother talked about how friends drift apart. They usually do. Could I work in this in my story? So instead of it being a family reunion, that scene became something like "I want to back to those happy times". I figured this family would drift apart and most of them would take a wrong turn in life. But still, most of them just want a home and a happy family to return to whenever they were finished with whatever they were doing. Friends drift apart, but a family should always be there for you... You think that would be a good story? You think that would be interesting? And hey, I haven't told you everything I've been thinking. For instance... I haven't told you what these family members are doing, or why they took the wrong turn.

A Nightmare

These past two days has been a nightmare.
I was visiting my grandmother's new summerhouse for the first time. I thought it was going to be fun, to see how they were living and I've learned how to talk to my grandmother now so we actually can have deacent conversation without it ending in a disaster. But no, still there has to be something wrong. And it's not that bad really. It could've been worse, it was just... not so great.

Well, during the day most of it was fine. Nothing special happened really. During the late evening I realized I hadn't written anything in two days. And I always get uneasy when I don't write. So in the middle of socializing with my family I felt that inspiration and urge to write. It got to that point where I didn't hear what anyone was saying because I was in my own head, imagining stories. I wanted to write them down, but it's not very nice to write on the computer in company and my phone just... I couldn't hit the right buttons since I'm so used to my computer, it took too long on the phone. So after a half hour I said that I just couldn't stand it anymore and I had to write. I had my computer with me so it wasn't any difficulties in that. And so, I went to bed and started writing. After a while though I started to feel a certain human need which I hate, especially in the night. I just had to go to the bathroom. So yeah, I got up and they only have one of those "not in the house", you know? So I got in there and... Pitch black! There was no light what so ever. Luckily I always have my phone with me so I picked it up and stepped forward. Just a half step from the door I felt something in my hair. I ducked and looked around, but it was pitch black so I couldn't see anything. I touched the screen on my phone and it flashed and I caught some last glimpses of a spider as it was crawling to a board in the ceiling. I just shrugged and said, OK where have you built your web? and moved passed it. I'm not that afraid of spiders or anything, I don't have anything against them... However this one, it's webbing was HUGE! I had to duck under it to avoid it, yeah, I'm tall, but it was probably as big as my head! And the spider... huge web must mean huge spider? Correct. I've never seen a spider like that! It was the sixe of half my thumb (not counting the legs) and it was FAT! Sorry, spider, but you were really fat! My first thought was to just skip the bathroom break and head home again, but then again... I didn't think that one was going to come down from it's nest. Not at that time anyway. So I figured I do my business... Found another insect, as big as the spider, look like a beetle of some sort, in the back.. That beetle won't move, because those rarely do! And then the worst of all.. Kind of sad that the tinest little thing would be the worst of all. There was a spider, the size of half my fingernail, and it had built a web... By the toilet. I thought: This can't be happening! It's a party of insects in here and I REALLY need to pee! But yeah, I did it! I got back from the bathroom, without knocking my head in the spiderweb, the phonelight didn't attract any more insects and I could finally write in peace! After a bathroom visit like that I really didn't want to go back there EVER again! I don't have anything against insects but a bathroom should be insects free!!

But that wasn't all that happened. I figured I would have nightmares about it too since it was a hard experience... No, that would've been too easy and I don't really like it when things are too easy. So no I didn't dream about huge spiders or beetles. Have I told you that I have a fear of bears? Well, I do because I don't know how to act if I ever meet a bear. So I fear them. That night I dreamt about black bears having a fight with me just meters away frozen in place because of fear. I couldn't think, I couldn't react I just watched these two bears fighting and getting closer and closer. It was a pretty scary dream.

Well, when I got home the first thing I did was go to the bathroom. After that I went to bed... I couldn't take a shower because we are three persons trying to share ONE shower and... Yeah, since I'm unemployed I can shower when the others work.... I saw a spider, small one! Thank God, crawling on the wall by my bed while I was watching a movie.... Now I REALLY want to shower but I can't.. I'll have to wait until monday before I can take a shower... Then I'm going to clean my room! Yes, Indeed am I! So it's free from any possible animal that might have been crawling.... I don't want to think about it! I want to have a nightmare free night thank you! Please, no more nightmares! They're so common I don't even consider them as nightmares anymore.

ACHP

Wait what? It's Wednesday already? What the hell happened to Monday and Tuesday?

I think I've done the same thing everyday for four days now. In the mourning I've been reading. After that I write my 1000 words. Right after that I work on the Halloween project. And then I play Sims and after that I watch some anime before I go to sleep. I didn't realize I've done that for four days. I thought I've only done it for two or something like that. The interesting thing is that I haven't gone tired of what I'm doing every day. It's a little fun...

All my projects are turning out fine! The story is coming along very well. I didn't think I would be able to write anything today because of my headache, but I did! It went along very smoothly once I started. I only stopped because I was getting hungry. That damn hunger, getting in the way of my writing. Also the halloween project is turning out fine. I think Julien has been teased all night by Eliah. The hat I was working on wasn't finished yet, but I tested it on Julien and he had it on all night. As I went to bed Eliah said that Julien looked like a pilon! I never thought about it before, but he really did. I felt a little sorry for laughing at Julien, but it was so funny! The hat really looked like a pilon! But yeah, it wasn't finished yet so.. Now it is, kind of and he doesn't look like a pilon anymore. Also Julien seems much more happy now. I think he likes wearing a hat. Yeah! Julien's halloween costume is really coming along and everyone elses too! I've surprised myself very much this year about what I can do. I didn't think I would be able to make that hat. Neither the goggles or the "wolveriene wannabe" gloves to Eliah. And no, Eliah is NOT gonna go as Wolveriene. This is anime cosplay halloween party. ... ACHP for short? Oh well! Once it's Halloween I'll be posting up pictures! It should be fun! It Will be fun.

BJD talk

Eliah: "I want a new T-shirt."
Me: "But you already have a dozens of T-shirts!"
Eliah: "No I haven't."
Me: "Yes, you do! You have the one you're wearing now and you have the skull one, the Alichino one, the one with the dragon, the one with the eye, the one with the glitter print and you have the Punk T-shirt!"
Eliah: "Oh yeah... I want a new T-shirt."
Me: *sigh*

Good Night.

All right! Since I couldn't write yesterday I hoped that I at least could write today! And... you could say that I could write today.

I was going to the city today and go shopping with my mother today after she got out from work. So I figured I had some time to read to get a little inspiration and then write. Yeah, yesterday it took me about 10 minutes to write ONE sentence... Today I wrote 500 words in 10 minutes! Yes, I did! I love it when I don't write in one day, the day after I'm always so full of inspiration that the words flow through me without any difficulties. So before I got to the city I wrote my usual 1000 words. I've decided that I'm going to write 1000 words a day now and it's worked out pretty well. However I really wanted to make up for the time lost yesterday so I really wanted to write 2000 words today. So on the bus ride home I build up some inspiration and as soon as I got home I started the computer and started writing. Yeah, I started writing at 9pm and I'm finished 11pm and guess how many words I wrote? No, more than that. More than that. I wrote 2000 words when I got home! So today I've written 3000 words! I'm so proud over myself! I'm tired and sweating like hell, but still! After I wrote the 1000 words I thought to myself: Well, I'm so close to the ending of this chapter so I might as well continue. And so I wrote on and on and on, the chapter turned out to be longer than I thought, but that's good! All I'm saying is if you think 3000 words is a childsplay go ahead and write it, and be sure to be out with your mother shoping for four hours, then come back and write 2000 words at 9pm! Good luck!

Now I'm going to get some well earned sleep.... after I've watched some Big Bang Theory! Good night!

It's the little things that keeps dragging me down

Why, why, why, why?

... That's a really good start isn't it? Four "why". Is it enough or should I add more? ... It'll be enuogh for now. Well... I had a nightmare this night.. OK, I don't know if you could call it a nightmare. I saw a movie with these creatures before I went to bed last night. Those creatures could only move in the shadows and on dry land and if you were asleep when they appeared, your dream would turn into a nightmare. I thought they were really cool creatures and their design was awesome too! Like a human who was just skin and bones and were walking on four short legs, bent back and two round eyes that glowed in the dark. They were really cool and I liked them very much. Didn't think I would dream about them the same night though... So yeah, I just dreamt that I was being chased by them and had to hide in cold water to get away from them. That was kind of weird to wake up to.

At first I was happy to wake up because that meant I could write on my novel... Yeah... Apparently my brain decided to shut down today. I haven't been able to write all day. I tried to write at first but one sentence took ten minutes to write, I was easily distracted and nothing flowed the way it used to. So I kind of gave up on that idea.. And I ALWAYS get really depressed when I don't write. At least when I try to write and it doesn't turn out good. But still I tried to lift my spirit.

I'm doing this project for Halloween where I'm gonna sew cosplay outfits for my dolls. So I thought I could do that since I can't really write. Turns out the idea I had for one doll won't work. So all the thoughts and preperations turned all out to be for nothing. So I tried to think about something else, another outfit I could start on... I can't figure out anything new for that doll. So right now she's out from the halloween party... I was really not happy about that. Another thing to add to the depression.

Also I talked to my friend who I was originally going to see today, but she kind of brushed me off for a friend she haven't seen in years and I can understand that. That's Ok. So I asked her what other day would be best and she said "you decide"... I suggested saturday. She said Ok. So then I was kind of happy because I was going to see her and everything.... No. I'm not seeing her. She called it off too. This doesn't really help with the depression! I'm not forcing anyone to see me! I'm really not though people might think that! You don't have to say yes to see me! You can do like everybody else and just don't answer to that question and then act like a dumb idiot the next day!

... So yeah! I've pretty much given up on the whole "being happy" today so now I'm gonna sulk! Yes, indeed I am! And no one can stop me! ... Why do I always get so depressed when I can't write!

Story Typing Two

Even though the straitjacket was off he still felt a certain restrain. He was standing outside of the mental hospital not knowing where to turn next, what his next move should be. They told him he was free, but he didn't feel any of this freedom they spoke of. Free to do what exactly? Until now he had someone who told him to what and when and he was supposed to take that into the outside world. He had been released because he knew when to laugh, when not to laugh, when to smile and how to talk. He was free because he knew how to restrain himself. Even though he knew all that, how to behave like a normal person he felt so lost. He barely remember the life before the time in the mental hospital, but he remember how different he was. That one murder he once did had filled him with so much. He remembered a strong negative feeling that made his body behave like a chased chicken. He remembered tears flowing down from his cheeks. Could he feel that again? He felt empty. Nothing filled him anymore. He had been told how to behave and he knew it like a textbook. There was nothing more to it. His laugh was without feelings, he knew why he was laughing, because something apparently was funny, but there was nothing more to it. Just because someone says it's funny doesn't make it funny. And why did someone laugh when something was funny? It was all just empty. Hollow. He remembered thise strong feelings he had before and even though they were negative they still filled him with something. Back then he wasn't empty. Back then he was complete, not lost, but with a goal in mind. He wanted to feel again. He wanted that feeling to fill him again, but murder was something they told him he couldn't do. That was not what a normal person would do... but he wasn't a normal person. A normal person was filled with feelings and emotions that told them how to respond to certain things. All he had was an empty feeling and a voice who told him how to respond to certain things. He wasn't a normal person at all. So what did it matter? All he wanted to do was feel again.
- Well, I'll just have to do it in secret then.
He mumbled to himself and then took his first step out in the real world. Left without nothing, but a goal in mind, a desire in sight. Holding on to it with a tight grip since it was his only chance to feel anything again. Even if it was negative, he just wanted those feelings to fill him once again. To fill this empty space in his entire body. To complete him.

The hunt continues

Oh you damn fly! You're still alive? Just die already!
.....
Fine! If you keep bumping your body into the roof I'll help you to kill yourself.
....
I'll grant you wish! *tries to smash the fly without staining the wall*
Boop!
*the fly disappears* ..... ... Damn it! I hate that fly!

The endless waiting

Just one more month of waiting! o.o

Late at night...

Ok, flying insect. This is a warning from me to you. I know you have trouble flying, seeing as how you crashed on my bed and flew into my hair, but I can forgive you for that. But if you dare die on top of my huge bookcase in my newly cleaned room I'm NOT gonna give you a proper funeral! You hear me flying insect? 'Cause I sure as hell can hear you! *a short while later it goes quiet and I can't find the body* Oh, I bet I know where you are you little demon fly!

Drawings from a writer

I thought I should practise how to draw backgrounds and so I drew this.... Well, at least I can draw water splash and mountains... The other I still think I should practise on. But hey, for a first try it was good wasn't it? Well, almost good.

Highlights?

Highlight of yesterday: Me and mother looks at street art when she suddenly says "You can do this better" ... I love my mother!

25th July

This was one of my bad days...

... I'm not crying! I just.... Ok! But how the hell would you feel if you got glaring looks on you as soon as you open your mouth?! And I mean litteraly! As soon as I opened the mouth I got a glaring look and nobody listen to what I said... It's been like that the whole day... I just... Right now I want to talk to somebody. But no one is available. Oh, these were sort of family so I couldn't just leave. Otherwise I would have, but I stayed for my mother's sake...

Yeah! So that was my day... How were your day?

BJD rant

OMG!
I just have to write this here, because again, I don't have anyone to say this to, but OMG!

OK. I have seven Ball-Joint Dolls, one on the way, but anyway and I think I should think more before I buy a doll, but here! I'm pobably one of those few who think before buying! I haven't sold ONE of my dolls! Or is it none... I haven't sold any of my dolls that I've baught! I haven't sold eyes or wigs or anything that I've baught! I think if you buy something you have a responsibility to it, you made a choice and either you stick with that choice or you don't make it. Also, I'm probably gonna sound crazy now but I don't care. Ball-Joint Dolls is affected by you, if you get what I mean. If you care for them and treat them with dignity.. they form their own aura. It's amazing when I feel that my dolls are in a special mood and a stranger says that the doll are giving away a certain wibe. I know I'm probably crazy and delusional, but yeah! I'm just saying... My friend accidently broke one of my dolls and after that she doesn't like him because he gives away a certain wibe. I don't feel it but she was the one who broke him.

So what I'm getting at here is that I just saw one of my friends blog about her dolls and usually her dolls feels pretty good. But lately she has been selling off more and more of her dolls and now I just saw an add on her blog on a doll that she got 19th July this year. ... That's FIVE days ago!! She has only had the doll for FIVE DAYS and she's already putting adds on it! I feel so sorry for the doll! Here its trying to adapt, it's learning its new enviorment and its meeting new people and it doesn't have time to form a bond with the owner because she's selling it to the next! ... People think before you buy!! That doll wasn't even Limited edition! It just frustrates me because... Well yeah, the doll is most important to me so I care more about it, but it's really an insult to the company as well!! I watched a post from the company FB page and they have to work on a holiday because they have SO much orders that needs to be finished. They have to take a brake from orders because it's turning up so much and then people just sell their works after five days in their costudy because they suddenly realized that it probably wasn't a good idea!!! *frustrated* *frustrated* *frustrated* *calms down* ...

OK. Thank you for listening to my crazy rant. It just.... Frustrates me when people doesn't think. These dolls costs more than 400 dollors! I thought I didn't care about money, but... That's just... No. You don't DO that! It's unfair to so many people and things! .... I'm gonna watch Big Beng Theory now! Have a nice day!

I miss my Sims

All right... Nervous!

Due to some problems I had to uninstall my Sims 3... It just wouldn't work properly and I had done some things my friends had told me before i uninstalled. I made sure that uninstall was my last option and yeah.. Nothing was working and I ran out of ideas of what the problem may be so... Now I have uninstalled it. I wonder what will happen if I install it again now... How it will look. I probably have to install everything I've bought for it again... All the things I've done... it's gone, can I get it back? I don't know.

I at least have the comfort that the Sims 4 is out soon so if it doesn't work out... Well at least I don't have to battle with two Sims games on my computer. There is some comfort in that.

Story typing

OMG... I can't believe this...

Well, I have one story that I'm writing on right now, it's going quite well I think. But anyway! And I've got some stories on the line in my head. Two about my dolls, then I got one same sex love story, one oposite sex love story, one story about death and... yesterday I watched a movie and I didn't really like it so my mind began to wonder and.. It wondered really far. It stopped at another idea for a story. I should just sell my ideas to get some of them out of my head! Although I don't think that would work. Anyway! So how many stories do I got in my head now? Oh! I forgot about the fantasy story for my dolls! The one I need my new doll for! ... All right so that's one, three, five, seven and... eight. Holy Crap, I thought it was only six! That's two more than I thought! ... Wow. I should hurry this one on... Wait, which one will I start with after this one? I... Can't I just write them all at the same time? Whenever I feel like write about love I write one of those. Whenever I want to write about murder and mysterious people I go into those stories. Isn't that a great plan? ... No, I've tried that before... I got so much new ideas that I abandoned everything in the end... Damn this is hard.

The room was quiet, dark and lonesome. He sat by himself in this room without any furniture and funny looking walls. It wasn't his choice to be there, but here he was, by himself, trying to keep himself company. To keep calm he tried to have conversations in his head with the different things in the room, there wasn't really anything else he could do. The walls never said anything and when they did it was mostly about how great they were. They could squash him if they liked since they were bigger than him. There were four walls and they worked as one, trying to convince the cealing and the floor to co-operate. He was tired of hearing them speak before they could finish their talk so he stopped listening.
He caught something in the corner of his eye, something glistening in the dark. It's voice was light and it had a happier tone than the slow words of the walls. Apparently it liked to talk, but didn't have many that listened to it. He figured most of the people that had come in here would just ignore it. He didn't.
The camera was angled at him and it was watching him closely, it was small and black, disguised well by the dark. It seemed to be grinning that high up in that cosy corner of its.
"They're watching you."
It said with a mocking tone in its voice. The conversation was in his head, he was convinced about that, so he didn't feel it necessary to open his mouth when he answered it.
"Do they like what they're seeing?"
If the camera had eyelids it would blink in confusion. However it worked with what it had and the lense was clicking and rolling.
"I don't think you should be asking me that question. Better ask the monitors."
That comment actually made him smile in his loneliness. It has been a while and it felt like his cheeks would crack as he pulled the corner of his mouth into a smile. He would have massaged his cheeks if his hands weren't tied up.
"They're still watching you."
"How would you know if they're watching me if you can't even know if they're enjoying the show?"
"I'm a camera. I'm for recording, not watching."
"Aha."
For a camera it probably made sense.

I'm writing this as I'm watching a movie so it's not as good as my other works but... I'll rewrite it when I'm writing this story. This is a little bit of what's been playing in my head today. Well... Enjoy! Bye bye!

Money issues? Not really..

All right... Ehum... Yes.

So I met up with a friend today. And he also reads Skulduggery Pleasant. So I thought to myself finally I've found someone I can diskuss Skulduggery with! Now when I've finally read all the books! ... The first thing he says is: "Have you read Tanith's sidestory?" .. I looked like a questionmark. No had not! I didn't even know it existed! I felt awful and stuff like that so we went to the bookstore and... I bought it. I'm unemployed but still I go out and buy it... It wasn't that expensive and it's Skulduggery Pleasant! Of course I'm going to buy it! I couldn't leave the store without it! *sigh* anyway! That's done and... Now I have something new to read in the Skulduggery serie! But I have to wait until I've finished reading the second book. I don't have much left of it, so got to do that first and then I'm going to read it! Good plan!

Also I've decided to buy a new doll.... It's going to be my 8th doll. ... IT'S LIMITED EDITION which means they won't be getting in more of that doll and it's SOOOO B-E-A-utiful! Yes! So... I'm gonna go now. I still have money for food and necessary stuff so.. Hopefully I'll get a job in the next two months before my money is gone! Yes! ... Good plan. I'm full of Good plans today! .. Bye!

A portion of Love

"It's about love!"
"Love?"
"Oh yes, that human emotion I've heard so much about!"

... I want to write about love. Love stories fills my heart with so much. I don't really like love in the real world, it ALWAYS ends in disaster and I end up hurting people.. So I try to stay away from it, but! I'm human and love is such a wonderful feeling when all is right. So I want to write about it. Feel what the characters are feeling. To meet someone, maybe someone you'd hate at first. Then realize that these strong feelings are even stronger than hate and you see that person in a whole different light and you realize that you no longer can't leave that person. Your whole heart are screaming everytime you say good bye to that person, the heart is screaming to hold that person whenever you are together. The mind gets cloudy and soon you can't hear what the person is saying. All you can hear is the heart beating violently and to shut it up you have to touch the other person. Words are spoken, words that you don't really understand, words that can't describe this strong feeling however the words seems so right. And so as the other person stays silent, you take a chance. You close the gap between you and you don't even consider the consequences or the possibility that the person might step away. You only think about those lips pressing against each other and at that moment, the feeling grows and you loose control.

Yes. I really want to write about love. However, the story I'm writing now isn't about love. Is about loss and what else you can gain from life than just love... Yeah, no love story there. It'll have to wait. I really need to finish this story before I start another. Otherwise this one will never get finished and I like it. Yeah! I don't really know what else to say here. So.. I'll just go. Bye!

Big with a large B

Oh My God! Holy Crap/Cow/Shit! OMFG! This is HUGE!! I... I have no idea how to react! I... I just don't know.

So! My mother and me.. I love my mother. She is the best mother in the entire world and even if she hasn't been entirely happy with my choice of being a writer when I grow up. I can understand that, I think I've mentioned it here somewhere or something, I don't know. But! Anyway, I understand why she hasn't really been liking the idea that I want to write stories and earn money by it, because not many young people who wants to write gets to write. So I understand why she grimace everytime I tell someone I want to be a writer.

So, today we were going to go home from our vecation and stuff like that and we were totally alone and just suddenly while I'm reading(you know which book) she's saying, out of nowhere... "You know, I think you and I have a pretty good relationship. We can talk to each other and we listen to each other. So if you really want to be a writer... Then I'm gonna help you as much as I can. I support you from now on." ... I was in total shock. I just sat there, staring at her with my mouth open and was like... "What do you expect me to do?" I'm sorry, but I'm pretty scared now. When she didn't support me, I knew exactly what to do. I knew that I was going to write anyway and make it as far as I could on my own and if it didn't work, it would be no big deal. It is a dream after all and a BIG dream so I'm prepared for a few step backs and come backs and what not, but... Now when she is behind me it feels like more is at stake. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that she's supporting me and all that and I can finally talk about it with her and get some help, but.. What will she do if no one wants to give out my books? I'm ready to leave the country to be a writer, but... Now I kind of got to do it for her too. And it scares me. I don't just have to take care of my self when I get step backs (I know that they're coming) but now I also have to take of her when it doesn't work out as we want it... Do you understand how I think? It's still great that I have her support and we can talk about it, but I don't want her to feel bad that she chose to support me if I fail. It scares me, but... Yeah! My mother is great! How many writers (or artist whatever) can say that their family supported them when they craved for something big? It's not many! I'm so happy that I get to be my mother's daughter! I'm one of the most luckiest daughters in the world! I'm so blessed and it scares me! Haha!

Well... It was big news and she just laid it on me that sudden! I didn't expect that.. I didn't think she would support me until I was big of a name! .. It's Kagi Warai, if you're wondering. That's the name people know and will know me for. I hope anyway.

Well! Now I think I'm going to upload some photos I took during the vecation and after that I'm going to sleep because I'm tired and I'm going to the hairsaloon tomorrow! Finally I'm going to get some new crazy colors in my hair again! Wooo!

Take care! Love you all!
//Kagi

Skulduggery Pleasant Love!

Since I can't read Mystic anymore guess which book I've started reading on again?! ... It's such a perfect bookserie that I can't keep my hands away from it!!! *sigh* Yeah, I started reading on Skulduggery Pleasant again.. I can't help it! I love those books! I keep thinking about them when I'm not thinking about my stories and... Everytime I mention Skulduggery's name in my head I let out this.. sigh! This dreamy sigh that you let out when you love someone and starts thinking about him/her. Damn, I feel pathetic... And I'm sorry if I'm nagging about that book, but it's really all I think about recently..... OK, that's a lie, but it's mostly what I think about recently.
Why did I have to fall in love with that beautiful cover when I first layed my eyes on it in my school library? Why did I read the pages that made me fall in love with the book even more? Why must Derek Landy's writing be so perfect? Why is his characters so intriguing that you either must love or hate them? .. Or just tolorate them? Why why why?!

Because Derek Landy is Brilliant!! That's why!

Good day!

Sick and Mystic

Hello, hi!
Sorry for my absence, but I do have a good explaination for that! .... I was sick. That's a good explaination isn't it? Well, anyway! Yes, I have been sick for the last couple of days and I have no idea what kind of sick. I want to say a cold or something, but... I haven't had a cold where I was puking that much or my throat was hurting that much without my nose pretending to be a waterfall. So I don't know what it was... Anyway! It's gone now and I'm finally healthy again! Well, as healthy as I was before I was puking every night. And that was the hard part about it, I couldn't puke during the day I only puked at 3 am in the morning. That wasn't funny at all. But then I cut down on my meals and then I stopped puking... It wasn't funny at all. But anyway! I'm so glad that it's over! It means I can go to the country again tomorrow! Yay!

And also I started reading "Mystic" and as I read I thought this must be a sequal to another book, it really doesn't explain certain things and talks as if I already should know all of these stuff and... Yeah, I was right. Mystic is the third book in a bookserie called "The soul Seeker" so... I stopped reading that. Can't read the third book if I haven't read the others! No I can not..

Thoughts that comes to me

My funeral... There's a day dedacated to me. A day to think about me, what I accomplished in life. A day when you gather everything you knew or wish to know about me. My funeral is where you meet all my friends, all my family and people I didn't even know. A day where even strangers say something nice about me. There's a day where no one nags about me getting a job. A day where I don't have to lie to make people feel better, or hold back because of the fragile human nature. My funeral is a day which I can call my own, a happy day to be selfish at.

I'll wait for my day to come and until then, I'll live for everyone else.

Osmosis Jones Movie

Well! I think I'm starting to get sick.. My throat is burning.. It's not sore, it's BURNING! ... Ok, it is sore, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

Everytime I get a cold I'm thinking of that Osmosis Jones movie! ... I think it's awesome! Just because of that Thrax character, he's so cool! Anyway, that line always comes into my mind when my nose is suffy and my throat is sore:

"This is your big plan? A sore throat? A stuffy nose? People are just going to think..."
".. a common cold, until I make my move. That's precisely what I want them to think!"

Yeah! ... Hopefully this is just a cold and not Thrax trying to kill me. Otherwise I'm really hoping I have an Ozzy in me to defeat him. ... Maybe I should take a drixenol pill too. Hmm...

Ramble and Book Titles

Well! I brought with me Skulduggery Pleasant- Playing with fire, if you didn't understood that in the last one and... I just read "The end of the world" ... Anyway! I mostly wrote the whole time and it felt awesome! .. OK, what I did most was walk but if you put it between write and read I wrote for the most time... I wrote more than what I read... Now I've really confused you I think so I'll just start over.

Hi! How have this weekedned been for you? Mine was OK. I argued with my family as usual, they really don't like my career choice, not that I blame them for it but I really wished they would just leave me alone. If they just shut their mouth I wouldn't be in this situation I'm in now, but of course it's mostly my fault for being where I am today. Yes.
I love going for walks in the forest. Outside in the city on the asphalt... It's so boring. Plane ground, plane houses, plane people... OK, maybe not plane people, but you can see what I'm getting at. In the forest there are big rocks, small rocks, animals, insects, trees in different colors and shape! It's so exciting being in the forest and taking walks there. So I think I walked around a mountain for... at least an hour. It felt like 20 minutes at the most, but no. At least one hour. After that I walked around my usual route and yeah.. I love to take walks when I'm not writing and it's really difficult to write when your family is shouting at you to be social. What I'm getting at is that my legs were so sore from all that walking the day after! I didn't think I was walking that far or that long, but as I put the pieces together... I think I took my route three times that day, that apparently takes 40 minutes and then that long route that took at least an hour so... I don't usually walk that far or long when I'm home. But those sore legs didn't stop me from walking some more, I just didn't have the strength to walk that mountain. It was fun. Also in my head I was going to prove that I wouldn't be out of ideas for my stories and so... I came up with another story idea. I didn't mean to when I was starting those thoughts, but.. It was an intersting idea.. So when I'm done with this story I have two other ideas to start on. Don't know which one I should start with though... I've thought abou the other story(not the one I'm writing now and not the one I recently figured out) and there's something missing in it.. I'm still figuring it out, but.. yeah, something is missing and I need to figure something out before I can start on it. And also I need to finish the one I'm currently writing!

I'm going to wrap this up, so what I really wanted to say with this post was that I've now read ALL the Skulduggery books and I've been thinking to myself that I should get more books to read. So I counted my money and felt that I had enough to buy new books! So I went down to the store and noticed a sale! 4 books and only pay for 3! That felt really good so now I have four new books to read! So I don't have to read Skulduggery again and again and again! ... But I'll probably do it because they're so awesome! But yeah! I've got new materials!
The ones I bought are: "Black Spring" by Alison Croggon, "Mystic" by Alyson Noël, "Shadow and Bone" by Leigh Bardugo and the one I got for free was "Who Could That be as This Hour?" by Lemony Snicket. I haven't read any of these books but I recognize Lemony Snicket by that movie "Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events" and I love that movie and I swear to you that when I read this book.. I'm gonna hear Jude Laws fantastic voice in my head!

Skulduggery Pleasant... Oh, how brilliant.

There! Now I've finished the seventh book of Skulduggery Pleasant! It took me a while, but I finally did it! And damn these books are good! I want to read them again o.o Right now! But.. I can't... I've already read them. Recently so I can't really read them again... Not right now. Even if nothing's stopping me but me.. It feels a little stupid..

Now all I have to do is wait for the next book to come out... I can't wait!! Derek, give me the book right now! I wanna read it! I want the last two books to come out so I can read them but.. I don't want the story to end. Can't it be a "Never ending story"? I want more of it! So much more! I'm greedy for Skulduggery Pleasant! It's that good! I love that serie, it's the only dective book I could EVER finish! It's the only book I've been able to read in only a week. Of course I love it! I don't know how many times I've read the first book and I simply can't get enough of it!

I'm going away this weekened to celebrate a Swedish holiday and I can only bring with me ONE book.... I got a headache from trying to chose so I gave up. Dark Days is good. But then again the first book.. It was the book that started everything so it's better than any of the other ones but I've read it SO many times that maybe I should put that aside from now. Death Bringer was unpleasant. I'm sorry but that book hurt me so badly, not because it was bad or anything, I felt for the characters and I just couldn't get a break from it! It's the hardest book in the serie to get passed! Damn it was painful. Mortal Coil.. Remnants. That's all I'm saying to that one. Remnants. I hate them. Poor Ghastly.. Poor Kenspeckle.. Playing with Fire. We get introduced to Scapegrace... I hate him. I hate him so much that I just wish Derek would do something about it, but apparently Derek find him so amusing that he can't seem to kill him off! Or maybe not amusing.. Maybe it's just pity for his character.. I don't know.. And then we have The Faceless Ones... This one is good. I could bring that one with me but... Fletcher. I don't like him. I feel sorry for him and then in Kingdom of the Wicked I finally felt happy for him! ... These books.. Why do they have to be so many and so big? I want to bring them all so I don't need to choose but... Now here I am.. If Derek Landy doesn't continue to write after he's done with Skulduggery Pleasant I'm going to be very upset with him!

... I think I'll bring Playing with Fire. Knowing the things I do now, it would be fun to read about the Baron and that armour. I'll just have to ignore Scapegrace the best I can.

If you haven't read Skulduggery Pleasant yet I command you to do it right now! They are brilliant! I can't give you one reason to why you should read them. I can give you plenty! But that will make this post longer than I intended when I started so... I'm just going to say: when you start reading, you'll never be able to stop. Skulduggery Pleasant forever!!

A bond like no one elses? Like hell...

I feel terrible.. I don't know if I'm hungry or if my stomach actually turned inside out because I feel terrible... It hurts either way.

Well.. I don't know if I should be saying this.. I'll probably feel even more terrible, but I want to tell someone to just... get it out of my system? I want to undue the knot in my stomach and I kind of need your help. Are you a surgeon by any chance? I hope you are because I really don't want to deal with this pain... If I make any spelling mistake it's because it hurts so much I just want to get this done with and go to sleep. Sleep the pain away! I've always been good with that. That's what I do, yes. Sleep the pain away. Indeed.

So I talked to my sister today. She was one of those who said she missed me and how wonderful of a person I am and.. I believed her. Why wouldn't I? I think I still believed that. It's this part I don't believe. She said she didn't realize things when she was tired but... Can't she give a heads up when she's tired and don't give a fuck about anything else except from how good she looks in the mirror? ... Excuse my language.
Well, we hadn't spoken in a week.. The last time we spoke I told her I wouldn't be in the way for her, after she told me she rather watch a TV show than being with me(that's how I took it, I don't know if she meant it that way.) So we didn't speak for a weak after that. So I decided that it's stupid to be mad over a stupid thing like a misunderstanding. So I asked her how she was feeling and she was feeling good. Just a little sick, but it was getting better. Showed her that I cared about her and when she asked me how I was feeling I answered truthfully. I told her that I didn't have that many people to talk to so I created this blog to let out my feelings. "That sounds fun." she said. My reaction was: "It's fun that I don't have anyone to talk to so I need to talk to a blank space just to let my feelings out? Would you like to trade?" but I didn't tell her any of that of course. It was my deal after all so if she thought it was fun, fine. Then I said that I missed her. She didn't answer that. After some small talk I slipped in: "Well, everythings fine. I'm the only one who missed you so that's fine. No big deal." and she answered: "That's good ^^" ... How tired could she have been? I'm sorry, I am blaming myself for this, of course. I must have done something wrong that made her talk like that... She didn't even notice I was gone from her life in a week... Maybe it's just my life that's empty without her. She seemed very happy without me. And no, I can't be selfish by clinging on to her so... Now that I got it confirmed that she is happier without me... Maybe now I can move forward. Well, what else can I do? She's my sister but she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I'm a horrible person after all and of course no one wants to be with a horrible person. So I understand her. I understand her completely.

Teaparty?

This is a before and after shot of when I painted the cups. This is what I busy myself with when I don't write. I paint, draw, sew and photograph. I'm quite a telented person, don't you think?

Sleep.... sleep...

My sleep has been interrupted (do you say it like that when you wake up because of something you don't have control over?) because my neighbors is drilling a hole into my apartment! ... Well, not really but it sounds like it. It's in the apartment closely next door, so it sounds like they're drilling right next to my wall. So I've been woken up because of that..... THE WHOLE WEEK. They've been on it for four days now, every morning this week is the same! It would've been OK if it was like... One day or even two days, but four days with interrupted sleep... I'm starting to get kind of tired. I'm unemployed.... I'm not proud of it, but I can't really ignore it. So yeah, I'm unemployed and that means I don't go up extremly early and go to bed REALLY late just because I want to do as much as I can while I have the time for it. But I can't really go out there and tell them to start later because, those neighbors have moved so that's an empty apartment their fixing so they're there to do their work. So I just have to endure it and it's no big deal. I just wanted to say that... Yeah. I can't complain...

OMG I hate that expression! It's like Penny says/sings from "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along blog" (if you haven't seen that movie, you should! It's Joss Whedon!) "Anytime you're hurt there's one who has it worse around." So you're not allowed to hurt because there's some lucky bastard out there that can do anything, complain, feel pain, talk about their pain, because they have the luxirous to have it worse than you do. ... I'm sorry, but that expression makes me so angry. I'm lucky that I have it good, yeah, I know that! But why can't I complain just because I happen to have it better than someone else out there? People say you should talk about your feelings, but you can't complain because you have it better than someone else... My mother once said a good response to that: "There's always someone who has it worse than me, but there's always going to be someone who has it better, too." I liked that. ... And now I'm complaining that I can't complain! The sense has left the building and it doesn't look like it's coming back for a while... It packed the logic in it's bag too and they are gone!

Random thoughts, indeed.

I'm finally done with sorting these photos out! It took like.. Three hours!! around 600 photos reduced to 88... I'm tired...

Yeah, I've been photographing all day. That's all I've done.. But it was fun ^^ I think I deserved some fun after all, didn't I? Well! That's all I've done today... What have you been doing?

Sorry, for the short post but.. You know what, it's my blog so I'll do what I want in here. I'm going to continue to read a little before I go to sleep ^^ That's what I'll do, yes! Good night!

The little things...

Holy Crap!

I'm reading Skulduggery Pleasant and I read the sentence "Her phone rang". Right after that my phone started to ring XD That was a little creepy but still funny!

Differences

Should I spend the whole day reading? ... I still have a little vacuming to do... And I don't want to do one thing for a whole day.... But.. I can't stop reading! Not now! Not now when I've found out so much in the story... There's so many questions I would like to be answered. I think I know the answer but I don't know how it comes to that answer! That's what I want to find out. So... I think I'm gonna read until I've found that out. It's too hot to write anyway... And I don't really want to write this scene anyway...

Oh! Right, I haven't told you... I just started this blog yesterday, of course I haven't told you! But I want to be a author. I want that SO much! That is my dream, just sit in front of a computer surrounded by people and places and actions that only I can see. That would be a dream come true. I want to finish that goal before I die and that's my passion! Because when I write, nothing else matters. When I write, I'm not alone anymore, I'm not in my room and I'm mostly not being a human. I can be whatever I want and I can be whoever I want. That's what I love about writing. I don't get that feeling when I read. When I read I'm still a human that watches other spring to action. I'm an observer when I read I wonder what's going to happen. That's how I see it, I don't know if anyone else sees it that way.. It's like that movie, Never Ending Story. Sebastian is the observer until the very end. It isn't him that goes around and doing stuff, he's just sitting and reads the book. Still he is a part of it though because just by reading it he helps forming the story. That's how I see it. I think I've rambled on too much and I can continue to ramble but.. I'm probably just going to repeat myself. We all experience things differently. That's what makes humans so interesting. That's what I like about conversations. You get to know people through it. I want to know how other people experience stuff, what they think is funny, what they think isn't and stuff like that. I'm just gonna have to step back to do that. I'm the observer, except for when I'm in my room with my computer. Wouldn't it be great if I could live like that?

Don't...

Heh.. Now, here see? I already feel horrible for saying something about me. My stomach is twisting and my heart is pounding again. I'm terrified of being called selfish.. no. I'm terrified that anyone would notice how selfish I really am. But I'm not going to stop posting here... I think. I think I need it somehow. I'm so sorry for being who I am. I really am sorry.

Slightly irritated

Ok, I have no idea how to change something in the blog anymore... I think I broke it. Also it's too hot for me to think clearly and I think I've got something in my eye... Can't get it out, however this is really annoying so I don't have the patient to deal with any changes in the blog so... You'll have to endure that you can't see the date here, or the pages you've just clicked... I just can't change it right now. I'll look into it tomorrow. So yeah... I apologize for it, but it's not really my fault... well, it is since I wanted something cool to begin with and just ended up crashing the whole thing. Oh well, now I'm gonna read a little in Skulduggery Pleasant - Death Bringer before I go to bed!

Here we are..

Well... Recently a lot has been going on... I stand without having someone to talk to. That's probably my own fault... But since I don't know what the problem is, I can't really fix it. I don't know why people suddenly doesn't want to see me anymore. They want to talk, yes, I'm apparently a wall that they can talk to, but whenever I want to see them... They don't reply or just changes the subject. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Am I really that horrible? But... I enjoy myself... Kind of. I don't want to change, I like myself. Is that horrible? If I like a horrible person does that make me horrible? I don't really know..

I just want someone to talk to. Someone who'll listen. Someone who just wants to listen what I have to say for a change... I just want someone like that. So I'm creating this blog because, here you are. I don't know who you are or where you are for that matter. All I know is that you'll listen to whatever I write here. There is a small comfort to that. Maybe in the end you will finally speak up, say what a horrible person I am, how selfish I am and how stupid I am and maybe I'll fix it then. Maybe when I'm mature enough I will fix my flaws, but right now... I want someone else to be the wall for a change.. I'm sorry for saying that, but I kind of need a wall who listens. And someone who doesn't care if I'm being selfish for talking about myself. I know I'm asking for a lot, but yeah... Lot of my friends keeps disappearing without a word.. Well, they keep saying that I'm cute and a wonderful person, but in the end, they just stop talking to me without a warning.. Keep lying to me.. I'm tired of people lying to me. I'm tired of people in general. I just want to go back to the times where I wasn't so dependet on people... And that's another reason I'm creating this blog. I don't want to dependet on people. So I'm putting all that dependensy(if that's even a word) in here. In this little blog. Where no one is ever going to read, or comment on. And maybe then I'll be happy again. I'm feeling happy already. It's a comfort, it really is.

I can't write in a secret diary, I've tried it, it doesn't work for me. To write something where I know no one's going to read it... It's a waste of time, that's what it is. To put all thos mempries in a piece of paper? The important stuff I'll remember, and if I don't? Maybe they weren't that important as I thuoght at the time. To go see a psycologist? Yeah, that has crossed my mind. You get to go on a session... when was that again? Oh right, I can't talk to the psycologist every day. Also I feel even more selfish when I'm talking to people. If I say one sentence about myself I feel selfish and I stop talking. Keep saying that I'm not important and then they'll go away. Because they know that I'm right, I am not important. You can just go away from this page and that'll be OK. Because I can't see you, I don't even know if you're really there and that's OK. It's like when you're little. To have a pretend friend because you need it... I never had pretend friends. I wanted to, I tried to, but they all seemed like a waste of time because I knew they weren't really there. It was just a figment of my imagination and I didn't need to talk to myself or make up a fake image to use my imagination. Oh no, it's there all the time and it can create these beautiful things... Yes. I think I've rambled on to long now.. This is what happens when you don't have someone to talk to. All these things boild up inside of you, you just have to let it out and once you start talking, there's no end to it.

I apologize for the sixe of this first post. I think I'll be posting a lot in this blog. Whenever I want someone to talk to, I'll post it here instead so that I won't bore my friends that has actually stayed with me... I won't talk about them. I love them. I love everyone. Well no, but I accept everyone. We all was sent to this earth for something right? Yes. ... My heart has finally settled in my chest. It was beating so wildly before... A lot of things happened today that was a little unsettling. But writing here really made me feel better. It isn't a waste of time, because it makes me feel better. But I'm not important, so I'm not supposed to feel anything, yet I do. Sadly.. I feel a lot of things.