I feel terrible.. I don't know if I'm hungry or if my stomach actually turned inside out because I feel terrible... It hurts either way.
Well.. I don't know if I should be saying this.. I'll probably feel even more terrible, but I want to tell someone to just... get it out of my system? I want to undue the knot in my stomach and I kind of need your help. Are you a surgeon by any chance? I hope you are because I really don't want to deal with this pain... If I make any spelling mistake it's because it hurts so much I just want to get this done with and go to sleep. Sleep the pain away! I've always been good with that. That's what I do, yes. Sleep the pain away. Indeed.
So I talked to my sister today. She was one of those who said she missed me and how wonderful of a person I am and.. I believed her. Why wouldn't I? I think I still believed that. It's this part I don't believe. She said she didn't realize things when she was tired but... Can't she give a heads up when she's tired and don't give a fuck about anything else except from how good she looks in the mirror? ... Excuse my language.
Well, we hadn't spoken in a week.. The last time we spoke I told her I wouldn't be in the way for her, after she told me she rather watch a TV show than being with me(that's how I took it, I don't know if she meant it that way.) So we didn't speak for a weak after that. So I decided that it's stupid to be mad over a stupid thing like a misunderstanding. So I asked her how she was feeling and she was feeling good. Just a little sick, but it was getting better. Showed her that I cared about her and when she asked me how I was feeling I answered truthfully. I told her that I didn't have that many people to talk to so I created this blog to let out my feelings. "That sounds fun." she said. My reaction was: "It's fun that I don't have anyone to talk to so I need to talk to a blank space just to let my feelings out? Would you like to trade?" but I didn't tell her any of that of course. It was my deal after all so if she thought it was fun, fine. Then I said that I missed her. She didn't answer that. After some small talk I slipped in: "Well, everythings fine. I'm the only one who missed you so that's fine. No big deal." and she answered: "That's good ^^" ... How tired could she have been? I'm sorry, I am blaming myself for this, of course. I must have done something wrong that made her talk like that... She didn't even notice I was gone from her life in a week... Maybe it's just my life that's empty without her. She seemed very happy without me. And no, I can't be selfish by clinging on to her so... Now that I got it confirmed that she is happier without me... Maybe now I can move forward. Well, what else can I do? She's my sister but she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I'm a horrible person after all and of course no one wants to be with a horrible person. So I understand her. I understand her completely.
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