Here we are..

Well... Recently a lot has been going on... I stand without having someone to talk to. That's probably my own fault... But since I don't know what the problem is, I can't really fix it. I don't know why people suddenly doesn't want to see me anymore. They want to talk, yes, I'm apparently a wall that they can talk to, but whenever I want to see them... They don't reply or just changes the subject. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Am I really that horrible? But... I enjoy myself... Kind of. I don't want to change, I like myself. Is that horrible? If I like a horrible person does that make me horrible? I don't really know..

I just want someone to talk to. Someone who'll listen. Someone who just wants to listen what I have to say for a change... I just want someone like that. So I'm creating this blog because, here you are. I don't know who you are or where you are for that matter. All I know is that you'll listen to whatever I write here. There is a small comfort to that. Maybe in the end you will finally speak up, say what a horrible person I am, how selfish I am and how stupid I am and maybe I'll fix it then. Maybe when I'm mature enough I will fix my flaws, but right now... I want someone else to be the wall for a change.. I'm sorry for saying that, but I kind of need a wall who listens. And someone who doesn't care if I'm being selfish for talking about myself. I know I'm asking for a lot, but yeah... Lot of my friends keeps disappearing without a word.. Well, they keep saying that I'm cute and a wonderful person, but in the end, they just stop talking to me without a warning.. Keep lying to me.. I'm tired of people lying to me. I'm tired of people in general. I just want to go back to the times where I wasn't so dependet on people... And that's another reason I'm creating this blog. I don't want to dependet on people. So I'm putting all that dependensy(if that's even a word) in here. In this little blog. Where no one is ever going to read, or comment on. And maybe then I'll be happy again. I'm feeling happy already. It's a comfort, it really is.

I can't write in a secret diary, I've tried it, it doesn't work for me. To write something where I know no one's going to read it... It's a waste of time, that's what it is. To put all thos mempries in a piece of paper? The important stuff I'll remember, and if I don't? Maybe they weren't that important as I thuoght at the time. To go see a psycologist? Yeah, that has crossed my mind. You get to go on a session... when was that again? Oh right, I can't talk to the psycologist every day. Also I feel even more selfish when I'm talking to people. If I say one sentence about myself I feel selfish and I stop talking. Keep saying that I'm not important and then they'll go away. Because they know that I'm right, I am not important. You can just go away from this page and that'll be OK. Because I can't see you, I don't even know if you're really there and that's OK. It's like when you're little. To have a pretend friend because you need it... I never had pretend friends. I wanted to, I tried to, but they all seemed like a waste of time because I knew they weren't really there. It was just a figment of my imagination and I didn't need to talk to myself or make up a fake image to use my imagination. Oh no, it's there all the time and it can create these beautiful things... Yes. I think I've rambled on to long now.. This is what happens when you don't have someone to talk to. All these things boild up inside of you, you just have to let it out and once you start talking, there's no end to it.

I apologize for the sixe of this first post. I think I'll be posting a lot in this blog. Whenever I want someone to talk to, I'll post it here instead so that I won't bore my friends that has actually stayed with me... I won't talk about them. I love them. I love everyone. Well no, but I accept everyone. We all was sent to this earth for something right? Yes. ... My heart has finally settled in my chest. It was beating so wildly before... A lot of things happened today that was a little unsettling. But writing here really made me feel better. It isn't a waste of time, because it makes me feel better. But I'm not important, so I'm not supposed to feel anything, yet I do. Sadly.. I feel a lot of things.