R.I.P my Asus

Yeah.... A lot have happened since my last entry, that's why I haven't written here in a while because I've been kind of exhausted due to everything that has been going on. So, the most recent event that happened is...

My computer died. The one computer I've had for about six years have finally drawn the last energy of the broken battery it was holding on to. It was old and I knew that there was nothing I could do... I hoped that I could avoid this for as long as possible, but... Today it just couldn't hold on anymore. It finally let go of the cord and let the battery die out... My dear computer...

It's probably weird to be talking about a computer like it was a living thing, but to me, that computer was my life. I had everything in there, my videos, my stories, my pictures and projects I was working on. I used that computer 24/7, I had it on when I was asleep because I don't have TV channels, or a radio to listen to while I'm sleeping (and I must have something to listen to because otherwise I get pannicked and can't sleep) and it just.... It's hard.. And how do you replace a computer which you have used 24/7 in six years? I brought that computer to my friends so we could watch movies on it, I used that computer for EVERYTHING... How do you replace it?

Well, my stories are at least safe in a USB as well as most of my pictures, but my videos are still in that computer and I can't turn it on even if it's plugged in so... Hopefully I can get everything out, but I'm not sure... At least I have my stories and everything I've written in the past. So, it's good that far.

I freaking LOVE Grand Theft Auto 5

I have had an awesome day today!
All I've done is sit on my chair and played games, but... Holy crap was that fun!

I ate my breakfast as always and then my friend asked me if I wanted to play some GTA V. I was supposed to sew and be a good girl, but... I rather play GTA V so I agreed. I'm really glad that I agreed to play GTA V with her!
One time we were being chased by a Jet and managed to survive, we were both in cars of course, and a short minute after that we were being chased by a helicopter and we survived that. Then the guy who chased us first came at us again and we managed to survive him a second time! He had like 198rp and we only had 12rp and we managed to escape him! That was so much fun and I felt so proud over myself after that.

Then we started to play some missions and she wanted to play it safe and like a "gentleman".. I was going to play it like "winner takes all" like you're supposed to in GTA so when she took the drugs, I killed her and stole the drugs from her which I then tried to deliver to the right place... Although, at this point my friend had gotten pretty mad and as I suspected she tried to kill me.. The problem was though that she hit my car more than she hit me and so I was trying to drive a truck with only one good tire. In the end I couldn't even drive it normally so I tried to back it up to the spot and guess what.. I STILL managed to deliver the drugs and I won that round! I laughed so hard about that and my friend was SO mad!
Then we tried another mission, where I was going to let her win just because she had gotten SO mad at me, but instead we managed to find ourselves with a complete stranger that joined our game. So me and my friend were on a team and was supposed to deliver a man in a limo to his mansion or something and the other guy was going to try and stop us. I managed to get a headshot on the guy as we were driving and I'm feeling pretty good about that. It just means that I'm starting to get better at GTA and it's making me feel good!

Also after a while my friend was still feeling a bit down after I killed her in that mission that she went to a strip club and started drinking. I searched around until I got backstage with a stripper and after a while I hear her screaming "There's another player in here!".. You can't fight or anything when you're inside so I wasn't really worried, but after hearing her scream about "He's following me!" I had to go and see what the fuzz was all about. Turns out there was this guy called Hunty that was just following us and wanted to just have fun. Me and him killed each other all the time and that was so much fun. However my friend thought he was annoying because he kept shooting her too and he also nagged about getting into his vehicle and she's not as good at English as I am so she had a hard time understanding him so I think it was just a communication problem there... Anyway, I had a total blast with Hunty, even after my friend left to eat I thought I was going to be bored pretty quickly, but nope! I still hung out with him and we had so much fun! I even got to drive the new car in the game (the one that looks like it's from Tron) and OMG what a dream car that is!! It drives so freaking good that I can't believe it! You who have been in that car knows what I'm talking about, you other guys... You're in for a treat!

Me and Hunty mostly just fooled around with other players and tried to kill them (I got killed many times, since I really do suck at games) but so did Hunty and he still didn't run away from a fight! The spirit in that guy you just have to admire. Also there was kind of a cute moment where he asked me how old I was and I said honestly that I was 23 and then I asked him about his age and he kind of darkened his voice and said "I'm 24"! Of course he was a lot younger than that, but it was just so cute. And then I said "You're so tiny!" and he kind of got sadface as he said "Why are you bullying me?" and I just went: "Because you shot me! I have a right to bully you!" and after that there was a small pause before he said "Maybe.." and meow! He was just so cute! It was a shame my friend didn't like him because I sure did! I hope I can play more with him some day. He sent me a friend request so we're friends on the PS3, but nothing more than that so.. Hopefully I can catch him online some day.

So.. After about 8pm I told him I had to go, because I had been playing for eight hours, without eating dinner and without going to the bathroom so I was pretty darn hungry and with not much energy left in my body, so I logged out and then made me a sandwich so that I wouldn't pass out (I have a really weak body and I'm trying really hard to take care of it) So before I go to bed and get some sleep I wanted to write about this day because dear God do I want to remember it! I'm not really writing it for the person who reads this, I'm mostly writing for me because I don't want this memory to ever go away.

And for you who reads this... Even if you're feeling like you can't accomplish something, even if you feel worthless or if you're feeling incredibly alone and unloved... If I who sucks at games and have those feelings too, can have a great day like this with a game... You can too! But it's not going to come to you so you have to help yourself with doing something else than just stare into space and wait for good things to happen. That never works. I played GTA online and met a funny guy who wanted to play with me too (even if I did suck) and if I can get that... Anything can happen! It's a great world we're living in if you just look in the right places and don't concentrate on the bad things! If you're doing that... Then it's not the world that are beating down on you. It's yourself. Stop looking for bad days because if you do, you're going to find it. If you're looking for good days, they will come. Maybe not tomorrow and maybe not the day after that, but they will come. It's easier to find the bad days than the good days so just.. Enjoy yourself the fullest when you have a really good time. Good night. Hope you'll feel better soon. And if you are, I feel glad for you. Bye bye!

Home again

*crawls out of my cave and stretches*

Oh! ... Hi, ehum... Yeah! Haven't written here in a while... Mostly because I've been kind of tired and all over the place. Well.. Last time you heard from me I was on my way to London and... Yeah, flying went extremely well, both the take off and the landing, no trouble there. I didn't loose my baggage so I have everything fixed, nothing got destroyed either so it went very well, and I'm happy with our flight. London was Amazing, I loved it, now when I'm back home, I dream about London all the time so.. It left a big impression on me, in a good way!

And since I've gotten home I've felt a little deppressed because I still feel useless and worthless and I don't really have anything or anyone that, not Can, but don't want to talk about. I don't want to talk about these feelings to my friends because they'll probably say I'm being ridiculus and stupid for thinking that I'm useless and I don't really need nor want to hear that. Yeah! To hear that I'm stupid will really make me feel less useless, right? ... Not really, so I don't talk to my friends about that, I'm trying to process the whole thing by myself... It's taking a lot of energy out of me, but now finally I'm starting to think a little positive!

I'm trying to find more friends to hang out with, but I'm starting to get pretty scared about it... I don't want to have my heart broken again.... That sounds wrong, but I don't want to be disappointed or dumped in a corner whenever those people I call friends don't find use for me anymore... Everytime I'm trying to open up to people and be myself it feels like... They think I'm getting too close.... Am I too much? Do I have too much personality? ... Ok, that was a joke, no one can have too much personality, you can have a big personality, but never Too Much. Well! Anyway, I'm trying my best to live in this reality, but it still feels better to escape into my fantasy world. That's what making me the happiest right now, so.. We'll see how it goes!

Right now I'm trying to get out of bed (I'm kind of in pain) and go shopping so I can sew. I've taken a big pain killer and now it's just my will power that's in the way! .. and a little my fear... Meow... Have a nice day!

Travel

Today is Sunday, indeed it is. Sunday May 4th 2014 to be exact. And then tomorrow will be Monday, and what happens on Monday?

I'm going to London! I'm so excited! I've never been to the US before and I'm going to stay there for a week and I'm going to ride on London eye, our Hotel is just on the other side of it, and we don't have far to Big Ben or the London Bridge that I've been longing to see! It's going to be so much fun!

And the big part: on Thursday I'm going to where they filmed Harry Potter! God, it's going to be amazing! I don't care what anyone says, I'm going to play tourist and photograph everything I see pretty much! I'm longing for this so much!

I don't really know what more to say, seeing as how I'm pretty tired. I've tried to make myself tired since I'm going up at 3am to make it to the airport and hopefully I'll be able to sleep around 9pm so I can get at least six hours sleep. But I don't see that as a possibility since I usually go to sleep around 1am... Anyway! I've managed to stay happy and positive with just three hours of sleep before so, hopefully it will go well.

I'll give you a post entry when I come back home again and... Yeah, wish me luck on my trip and a safe flight and have a great week you guys!

Bye bye!

At least now I know

I saw my crush today... She came forward with her friend, greated my friend, I hugged and greated her friend.... We didn'r exchange one word to each other. Not one look. It was as if she wasn't there, I wasn't there in her eyes. She was like a ghost, an illusion... That day, when she said she still wanted to be friends seems so far away.
At least now I know. And now I can move on.

Even with that, I had an awesome day, tons of fun with my friends and I felt beautiful, which I haven't felt in a long time. It felt just like before. Before 2012 and it felt so good. She couldn't wreck my mood, she won't wreck my mood. Now I know that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Now I can stop dreaming about "what if" and move on. Now I can concentrate on my friends that really matters. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Have a great evening! Hope you had a fun day too! And I'll write here soon. Love you all!

How she made me feel

If you cared what that title says you've probably guessed that this is going to be a post about how one person made me feel. I'm of course talking about my crush and I'm aware that people do these posts about how much in love they are and there are stories of how love makes you feel. I don't want to be that person that does something just because other people does it, but neither do I want to be that person who avoids something just because other people do it. Either way I've lost, so I'm going to write a pretty long post about how this one person made me feel.. If you don't want to read it, then click on something else OK? Deal? Suit yourself.

I don't know what love at first sight means. I'm not sure, since everybody has their own interpretation. So I'm not going to use that phrase. I'm gonna say: I saw this woman and I was drawn to her. She sat around a large group of people and she was quiet, shy, yet there was this presence to her. In the back of my head I thought to myself "I want to get to know her". I managed to get her chat name and I wrote to her. From that moment we talked every day, a couple of messages from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep again. Everytime I told myself that I shouldn't fall in love. I had made a promise to myself that I didn't want anyone in my life right now, I couldn't handle a relationship since I still needed to sort out some things in my life. My feelings however didn't want to listen at my reasonable brain. I tried my best to quiet down my feelings but every time she wrote to me, every time I saw her, my heart jumped and I got excited by every message, every word, and she just made me so happy. She was honest, smart and just pure wonderful. My head got lighter for each day that went and it made me feel so good that in time, I didn't care if we would grow old together or just have a wonderful short time together. As long as I could feel this light and happy, it didn't matter.
As my feelings grew just her smile was able to sent tingly sparkles inside me. Her laugh, her considerate eyes, her voice... I wanted to wake up to that every morning. I was also beginning to think that she wanted the same thing. However my head reminded me that she was a straight girl and I was a woman. The problem of sex would come up whether I wanted it or not, and I was not willing to share my woman. However I started to test her, to see if she could think of being together with me. Just simple things, like calling her "my cutie" which she didn't seem to have a problem with. Holding her hand when we walked around in the city and stroking it, which she also didn't seem to have a problem with. That one moment of just holding her hand and stroing it... I was in heaven. The warmth from it, the softness of it, the confidence from her that made it's way towards me. God it was a wonderful feeling. Such a little thing when you think about it, we were just holding hands, but... My light head flew higher into those pink clouds I had been dancing on for a couple of weeks. That day when I got home, I saw a blog post from her with a picture of two Pokémons with a heart above their heads... Of course that made my head jump higher into the sky and my heart was calm since it believed that I had got my woman. I also started sending her texts like "I wish you were here with me now" and stuff like that, not too pushy though, but she didn't seem to have a problem with that. She also started to do stuff like that, when she was out in a large group and I wasn't there she said "It would've been much more fun if you were there. It isn't the same without you." and of course that fueled my feelings even more. One day we met in a larger group in a café, however we didn't get to talk that much with each other, so when we got home (each at their own home) I said to her that it wasn't enough and she agreed. We talked all night about how we missed each other and we wanted to see each other soon and then she started talking about "All these emotions make me feel weird". I had no idea what to think about that, I didn't want to hope for too much so I asked her, but she backed away from that question and we both went to bed.
Then came that day when she confessed to have feelings about someone. "I don't know what it means, they're not strong, but they're there". I asked her if she wanted to tell me of whom she has these feelings for and her answer was: "Not yet". Even that fueled my feelings. It came to a point where I didn't see all the trouble around me. I was happy, I didn't care about anything else in the world. It was just her and me and I was satisfied with that. I haven't felt like that EVER. I haven't been dancing on pink clouds as much as when I was with her. My heart haven't been calm and exciting like that ever, my heart haven't been trying to escape my chest any time I wasn't with her and completely calm when I talked to her... She made me feel so crazy and wonderful at the same time, and I knew I didn't want anyone to steal her from me. I wanted her to be mine, I didn't want her to want someone else, to think about someone else, to dream about someone else... Just because that person happens to have a Penis! That fucking disgusting thing that destroys everything! So I made a decision, I decided to tell her about my feelings. I was going to meet her to hang out at her house (so she could throw me out if she didn't like it) and we hung out. We played with out dolls, we watched a movie, and then we just sat there quietly and just looked at each other. I so wanted to kiss her and touch her. I wasn't going to be happy if I didn't touch that body, I haven't felt like that before either. But I contained myself. I kept to my corner of the couch and she kept to hers. Until she finally told me to leave. I was disappointed, it was still early, so I asked her if she didn't want me there and her answer in short were: "It's not that, I just don't want you here". So I obeyed and I started to leave. Then she clings on me and says: "You can't think that I'm kicking you out". I was thinking to myself "How can I not" since she was kicking me out! But I didn't say it, instead I started to hold on to her arms that was around me and just sat there, in heaven again. Still disappointed that she didn't want to be with me, but... I tried to leave several times and she stopped me each time. I asked her: "Why are you stopping me when you want me to leave?" and she answered "Because I don't want you to leave and be sad". She was so wonderful... We sat there a few moments more with her arms around me and my arms around hers.. Leaning against each other and just... Until her parents came in and asked about dinner. We untied each other and then I was fast to leave before she stopped me again, I didn't want to be a nuisance to her. She followed me to the station and before we said good bye to each other I told her about my feelings. As she rejected them, I still felt light and I still felt that I was with a wonderful human being. We parted as friends and on the way home... Yeah, you know about that..
The day after however... I felt like shit. I didn't even get out of bed. It really did feel like I had been dancing in the skies on pink clouds and then took a wrong turn and fell all the way down to earth. I used to say all the butterflies that had been fluttering about whenever she talked to me had burned down from all the warmth my heart had produced and now they lay inside me like a pile of ashes. It litterly felt like I had a weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away. It felt like that for a week. And then it just disappeared. I was going to watch a TV show with mother and on my way there the weight was just gone. Now I feel like my old happy self again filled with inspiration and dreams. And I feel good. I really do. Right now me and my crush isn't speaking.. she wanted to change me, and I don't like that. She wouldn't be happy until I stopped worrying about her. Worry makes me feel happy and if she can't handle that... Well then she can talk to someone else.

Thank you for reading! I don't regret telling her. At all! Now I know she doesn't feel the same and I can move on. That's why we tell people we love them. So we can stop dreaming and live in the real world whether it be together or apart. Just move on, life has more things to offer than love. That's what my novel is about! Now I'm gonna go and be with my friend! ... Busy week.. Friends have been coming over every other day now it feels like.. And soon it's easter too! But I'm happy again. I can enjoy myself and that's what I'm most happy about.

Underground painting

I just have to tell you about my dream.

There was me and my friend (don't know her in real life) and we were walking down the street and we come across these fallen trees. The ground was about to give in and that's why the trees fell, so it left a hole in the ground. A girl was sticking her head in one of these wholes and me and my friend thought she was stuck. So we helped her out of there. Sure enough she was stuck, but with a little effort we managed to get her out. However when she was free she kept screaming about putting her back in. I asked her why she wanted to be put back in and she said:
- Because I want to live in that painting.
And she pointed at a painting on a wall behind the fallen trees. It was a painting half underground and half above ground. Above ground there was nothing but trees, it was foggy and dark. Underground there was these tunnels formed by the roots of the trees and it was not dark there, it was light and cozy. Sinze the girl wanted to live in it, she tried to dig it herself.

It was just a weird dream that I wanted to share with you. It was a short dream followed by many other dreams but it still left an impression. You can probably see why.

A bit of happiness thanks to Disney

I'm feeling good right now! No aching in the chest, I'm not shaking, I don't have a headache nor stomachace! I do feel like I don't have a care in the world again, I feel quite good! ... Don't know what happened, all the bad thoughts just.. disappeared suddenly. Me and mother was watching Midsomer Murders and then it just went "poof"! And I wasn't feeling bad anymore. Don't really know why...

Today I've been painting a shirt-print, haven't played any games and I helped mother painting her nails (did a special spiderweb print on her nails).. Nothing special. I didn't have any nightmare that night either so there was nothing that haven't happen before. Although I did end up going to sleep that night quite happy.

After I wrote my last post I watched some YouTube and found clips of Darkwing Duck in Swedish. I have always loved Darkwing Duck but it's really difficult to find it in Swedish. So I looked a little further on the internet and guess what! I found it! That made me so happy and... Maybe that has something to do with it? I don't know. Either way, I thank Disney and Darkwing Duck for helping me finding at least one bit of happiness in these dark times of mine! Thank you so much!

The Nights are Worse

Suring the day, I feel Ok. As Ok as can be espected by the circumstances. I do what I do, I write, I play games, I talk to the few friends I have and I even make plans of the future. I feel like my old self during the day, thinking about nothing else but what's to be done.

The nights however... Since it's dark I can't really do much. Since my body gets tired I can't really do much so my brain does all the working. You know what that's like I bet. Everybody probably has a time when it becomes quiet and you have nothing else but your thoughts... And when something is bothering you... There's a different reaction to everyone, everyone react differently when that happens. Depending on the situation and how your life looks too. If you've been reading this blog long, you know pretty much what's bothering me. It's the job thing again and then my crush who is straight and there's something else.

I blocked one person from my life, turned my back on her when she probably needed me the most just because I wasn't feeling good myself. I have punished myself for that, I don't know if I can forgive myself for that because I don't see a good reason to why I should. But a few days ago I contacted her again. Told her exactly what happened on that day I blocked her, what I felt and we started talking again. The thing is... she has someone at her side. Someone who cares for her, sleeps with her and right now I'm jealous. But that's just beating on me more since.. What the hell have I done with my life? I still don't have a job, I still just sit around doing nothing.. Well I write, but I don't finish it... I have a crush that doesn't want anything to do with me. I have beaten myself up, because I thought that was the right thing to do.. So now I beat myself more up just because of that... And I'm sick of it!

My head is going crazy! Every night I can't sleep because my head is just spinning out of control... I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist but I don't have a real problem. Why do you see a psychologist for? Your parents divorce? I don't have a problem with that. Your life partner? I don't have one to worry about. Your drinking problem? I don't drink! I don't have any problem what so ever... So why the hell am I doing this to myself? It's all me, my brain, my thoughts! Every night I wish it could just stop! Why am I feeling bad over something that happened in the past? Why am I just sitting on my butt all day, hoping the world would understand that I'm trying to live my life? .... Because I'm scared! I'm afraid to disappoint everybody. Most of all myself. So I don't try, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. I beat myself up, because I think that's nothing more than I deserve. I am nobody. Just another human that's trying to make it to the next day. I'm still here! So can I just stop being a coward and prove to the world that I am NOT just any human. Please?

The Trip

I had a dream last night.... Nothing surprising there, but this was a dream about my crush.

A few friends (I don't know them in real life) and my crush and me was offered to go on a trip. The friends all said yes and I also said yes. My crush however was a little more hesitant. With much persuasion she still didn't want to go, so she was left behind while the rest of us went on this trip. Two of the friends took this really bad and they were sad that my crush didn't come with us. They blamed it on their selves, saying that she should be there instead of them and so on and so forth. Since it's a dream, something happened to them. As they continued to blame it on themselves they started to shrink, to become very small and very depressing. It was as if they'd given up on everything. When they were so small that they fitted in a lunchbox I got sick of their attitude. I told them: "You're not going to ruin yourself over one person are you? She's not here, but you are! You might as well enjoy yourself. You're going to let one person stop you from enjoying your time here?" I think I said more, but I don't remember it all. Even so, my encouragement worked and they grew into their normal size and joined the fun on that trip.

... What do you think this mean? It's probably very obvious that my crush not wanting to come on the trip represents my confession to her. And probably that the two friends that gor depressed represents me... But then why was I the one to encourage them? Why wasn't it me that got depressed and my friends encouraged me? Why was it switched around?

A monster in Paris

I.. I hide my light inside a cloak of night
Beneath the red scarf and a chapeaux
The pearl of my heart locked within a shell
too afraid to let it go, to let it show

and all the headlines read
for the whole world to see
A Monster in Paris

I fall apart, I fall apart, apparently
I did appear beneath the light
yes it was me
A Monster in Paris

I hide my pain inside a melody
it's as if notes I sing set me free
I keep all my dreams under a lock and key
I'm so afraid that they will fly, away from me


A Monster in Paris
A Monster in Paris
A Monster in Paris

(From the movie "A monster in Paris", a really good movie with great music.)

It's not weird until you make it weird.

Today was the day. That thought had gone through her head like someone was playing DJ with that one note. Today was the day. This day she would confess that she had strong feelings for this person. She felt like her mind was going crazy, all these feelings, this wonderful person who does nothing more than being wonderful. Because that's what wonderful persons do. This wonderful person never failed to look and act cute, this person never failed to send butterflies in her stomach that burned every organ inside of her. She felt dizzy everytime she saw those beautiful eyes, she just wanted to close her eyes and breath in that wonderful smell that belonged to this wonderful person. God, she was lovestruck. She had never felt this way before. She had been in love before, but not to the point where her mind went blank and where she could think of nothing but her. The butterflies swarmed as she was sitting near this person, thinking of nothing but how it would feel to touch souch beauty. She wanted to touch, but knew that she couldn't. Not in that way, because at this moment they were just friends. God, she wanted to change that. Her head and heart was dancing on those pink clouds everyone mentions when they say that they're in love. It truly felt like her head was floating in the air, because there really was no one else but this person inside her head.
Today was truly the day she confessed. She didn't do it with a kiss like in most romantic movies. She did it with her words. Her own words, which most of the times make her sound like an idiot. "You're the one I have strong feelings for. I have feelings for you". The hug of two friends ended and the wonderful person just stared at her for a moment. The pink clouds were too thick so she couldn't quite see the look she was given. The words however.. "I can't return the feelings". It took a while for the head to come back to earth. However her mouth continued to do the talking. Laughing. Saying that it would still be OK between them. As long as she could be around this wonderful person she figured it didn't matter if they were friends or a couple. She still saw herself as lucky. The both friends parted ways in a good mood and they were indeed friends.
Then her head fell like a rock down to earth again. Fast. Her heart crackled in her chest and the butterflies were turned to ashes. Would they really be fine? You never know. Women tend to think too much and that's never a good sign. She wanted them to continue on as normal but how would it be when her crush got a boyfriend? She already knew that she couldn't stand that, that's what being in love means. What if she stopped being in love with this person and found someone else? Would she hurt the wonderful woman because she would think this wasn't serius?
In a way, she didn't regret that she confessed her feelings, but at the same time it makes things difficult and hard. The whole way home she wished she could puke. Just get rid of those loovey-doovey feelings that now were useless to her. She wished she could just throw them up and never think about it again. Her stomach twisted and turned as her throat closed up, trying to keep everything in. Damn throat that kept betraying her. As she stepped on the threshold to her house she finally got her wish and she threw up on the floor. And as she cleaned it up with a paper towel she thought "Maybe now I can finally move on".

... Yeah! So.. Based on a true story! I confessed my feelings to the straight woman and... That's exactly what happened... Well, I didn't threw up when I got home since I rarely do throw up, but I wanted to. So yeah! I just wanted to type exactly how I felt since I love writing about feelings! So there you go! I'm now gonna bury myself in my lovely sheets and get up in the morning... Oh, God this night is going to be terrible... Maybe I'll play some games until I pass out? Yeah! That sounds like an excellent plan! Bye!

I kyou U

I support his work!! And I think you should do to!
I bought the "I kyou U" CD today and I feel so good, because I really want Takeru to continue this! It's so good! I managed to listen to this song for an entire day and I've never gotten tired of it! It's really good and... That's my tip of the day! ... I can't believe I'm going to have his CD in my possesion very soon! I never thought that would happen, but.. It did! Yay!

You can buy it at www.yesasia.com

Dealing

So much stuff is going on right now.. It feels like I'm on a fast rollercoaster and all these different kinds of sights are rushing through me and klings on to me. This is not how I wanted it at all.

So! I confronted my past two days ago. I thought the award would be huge because I felt so proud of myself that I took that step and confronted it and I talked through it without getting hurt... So because of that I now have an old friend back into my life... And I am freaking out! I'm scared that I'm going to have to go through the same thing again with her, but I'm trying to think: Maybe she has changed, maybe she has matured a little since the last time we spoke to each other.... So far this refound friendship has just brought back the memories of the three months of fighting we had. .. I'm freaking out!

I've also refound my inspiration again and so I'm rushing through sewing projects before that inspiration disappears again. I'm trying to sew as much as I can and as fast as I can because I want to do as much as possible before that inspiration goes away again. Sadly, not much writing... Which is what I really need to concentrate on, but we'll get there when we get there!

Also... Feelings. Yes, those too. I have strong feelings about someone. I think about that person everyday and all the time I just want to hold her and... You know the drill. Also I think she's straight.... Do I need to tell you more about how those feelings are twisting and turning inside me? I don't think so.

At the same time as I'm thinking about all of this, my mother comes home with a BIG SURPRICE! Which makes me feel really excited. So to sum up: I'm freaking out at the same time as I've strong feelings about a straight girl and I'm really excited... My heart feels like it's busting out of my chest and it hurts like hell! I confronted my past! Don't I get some kind of reward? It's not at all how the movies said it would be.

Dreams

I spend the night dreaming very realistic dreams... Did I really wake up from a nightmare having trouble to breath? Or was that just a dream? ... Is there really a horse show marathon on TV this monday? Or was that just a dream? ... I hate dreaming realistic dreams.

Season Depression

Oh, God I've been feeling like crap lately.

No inspiration, no motivation, nothing exciting really. I just, don't feel well and I hate it! I want to feel good, I want that spark to light inside me so that I can feel like I'm at least trying to accomplish something after I wake up, but... The light inside me is gone. I'm trying really hard to lit it, but... nothing.

I've been feeling like this ever since I got well from my sickness and that was about one month ago. However I think I'm feeling unispired because of the weather... We didn't get any snow and so it's just a boring brown and gray outside, not very inspiring at all. And because of that it's not very good environment to photograph in, therefore I don't really feel like sewing because what am I sewing for? And so I get a little depressed about that. That deppression is leading to another problem I am having, the writing. I had a very inspiring dream the other night which I am turning into a story, however because of the depression it's making me tired and so I don't really write very well, not as well as I can so I kind of gave up on the writing for now since anything I type comes out garbage. And when I don't write I get even more depressed.

So there's one depression after another and on top of each other and so right now I'm just waiting it out. Hoping the major deppression will go away once the weather is nice again and then I'll get my inspiration back. Right now... I'm just trying to give me a reason to get up in the mornings. It's not easy without motivation and inspiration, but I'm doing it. Doing things I normally won't have time for because of the sewing and the writing.

I'm probably not going to be updating here as much either.. It's not fun to just read "I'm deppressed." next day: "I'm deppressed again." The day before that: "Oh! Guess what! I'm deppressed again." ... I don't really feel like typing that. So I'm just going to tell you guys when I feel good again.

Have a nice day and if you have any snow.. Enjoy it! For me! Since I can't enjoy it, you have to enjoy it for the both of us! Okay? Good! Okay!

Strange cravings in the night...

... It's 1am... And I'm in the mood for bolognese sauce... I was planning to go to sleep soon! Not eating bolognese sauce! .. It's delicious but... Maybe not at 1am!

Good night everybody!

Summer, Autumn... Spring?

Where the hell did the winter go?!!! 

Hi, everybody! I'm recovering from a sickness right now and that's going pretty well. However, all November, December and January I've been waiting for lots of snow so that I can take lots of pretty pictures! Ever since I shot some nice photos of Ninnth in the snow I've been waiting a year for the winter to come back so that I can take more pictures of her... And what happens? 

We've had ONE WEEK of winter! And we didn't get much snow at all! It wasn't a nice weather to photograph in at all and it wouldn't look nice at all and so I didn't take any pictures assuming that it would be MORE SNOW since it just recently popped up! But.. What am I hearing now? THE FLOWERS ARE POPPING UP AND THERE'S NO SNOW LEFT ON THE GROUND! 

I live in fucking Sweden and we got ONE WEEK of snow! What the fuck?! .. Excuse my language but I'm really disappointed right now. God.. If this happens one more time.. I don't know what I'm going to do.. Grr! So, no winter pictures for this year.. It's really sad.. Hopefully I'll get some lovely spring photos but... 

I love photographing more in the winter because the colors of the clothes just pops! Any color in winter pops! In the spring and summer... They just blend into the background... Winter and Autumn is the best season to photograph in! ... Maybe not the best light, but it's the best color! Yes! ... I'm going to rest now so that I can get well again! Bye! 

The ground can't swallow you

Can I just disappear for a week? Please, can I? Just for a week? No? ... Fine!

Well! This coming week is not going to be great, I'm not looking forward to it, I don't want anything to do with it, it's just going to be a series of painful memories and ugly reminders of what have happened before and I really don't want that. Hopefully it'll pass quickly and when it's over I'll finally be able to breath and hopefully sleep properly.

Aside from that, what's happening in my life? ... Not much. I've decided to finally read the books that I bought some time ago.. I finally found some time to read them and I'm trying to read them as fast as I can because here's the crux: Since my writing is being slightly effected by everything I do I need to read one perticular book from one perticular writer and so I can't really write while I'm reading these books. So I'm trying to hurry very much so I can go back to that same book so that I can start writing again... It's probably complicated to understand but that's how it is, so... Yeah! I've finished one book, now I have two more to go and I've started on another book. So it's going pretty well. Hopefully I've finished them at the end of Febuary.

And yeah.. Not much to say really. Just trying to finish these books and... Yeah... A hard week is waiting for me and I'm really not looking forward to it. Yes. Hope you have it great with lots of posibilitys before you and.. Love your family! Bye!

I am so messed up

I just realized something... something that I've always known, but I haven't found the words for it... Not until now.

I thought I got jealous whenever I heard my friends spending time with someone else. I thought it was about not sharing my friends... That I couldn't share my friends. I thought I was a really jealous type...... But now, I'm not so sure I am as jealous as I thought I was.

It has nothing to do with "share my friends". It has nothing to do with my friends at all. It's the way I see myself. The way I figured.. I'm no ones friend. I see people as my friends, but I don't think they see me as a friend (they do, but this is how I see myself). I can't be someones friend.

So here's what I think I am to them: Someone you have when you don't have anyone else. That's me. I'll always be around when no one else is. When you don't have anyone to talk to, you talk to me. When you don't have anyone to share with, you share with me. That's the way it has always been. People has always come to me only if no one else is around. And I've been OK with that. At least they were talking to me. And that is why I get scared whenever I hear that my friends are with someone else.

I don't get jealous. I get scared! If they have someone else to be with, why be with me? ... I don't have an answer to that question. So it has nothing to do with jealousy or "I don't want to share my friends"... It all has to do with how I see myself... And I'm not a friend. I get surprised whenever someone calls me "best friend" and I hide from the truth.. Because I don't want to get my hopes up. That always leeds to disappointment.

... Now that I've come to that realization.... How the HELL am I going to fix it?

Primal Carnage Experience

Oh! And just one quick mentioning before I go to bed.. I was playing Primal Carnage today and.. There was not a lot of people online there today... Which was kind of sad but I played anyway, figured hopefully more people would join in later.

We started off with two humans and two dinosaurs and... I've played with like 10 on each team (since I'm not really good at games I want to start out in smaller groups) and I've heard that it gets kind of boring with that few people since there's not much going on. ... But these three people I was playing with.. I haven't been that nervous while playing Primal Carnage before. I was playing as a Comando, since his weapon is the best, and the dinosaur team was two raptors... And we were at the field map where there's high grass everywhere and my team mate ALWAYS went into the grass and... To me that was a stupid move since the raptors have more advantage in the high grass. But... It was so scary since I knew there were two raptors coming after us, we were making our way through the high grass and.. It just felt like The Lost World, my favourite scene in that movie when the raptors ambushes the humans in the high grass and... It was just so fun to play. I had never felt that cautious and scared as I did playing with only three other people. So.. It can get exciting with that few. It's always as fun as you make it out to be.

However two of them left so it was just me and my first team mate. I was the raptor and he was...... a human. And... We must've circled each other or something because I could not find this person. I looked through the entire map and I couldn't find him! So eventually he left which was understandable but I said I was going to stay until the match ended because I wanted to see the victory line, I was the only one there with some kind of points so of course I must win that game.... Nope, defeat! .. WTF?! Oh well! It's a fun game anyway and... I have a lot of fun playing it!

Now I'm going to sleep... The clock is 1.40 am.. I watched Gamer4G all right?! I got a little caught up in his videos... on youtube. Gamer4G is his channel name, look him up. He was the one who got me into Primal Carnage and probably MANY other people so... Yeah! Have fun with that and I'm going to sleep and hopefully not have any more nightmares! Good night and Good bye!

In a black void only one voice is heard

I'm going to do something I probably shouldn't do.... I'm going to start writing on a new story... and I haven't finished the one I worked on last year. I know I shouldn't be doing this... I should finish my first story, but... I don't want to write on it right now. I love it, it's a good story and I am going to finish it, but... Right now I want to start writing about new characters, new adventures, new meetings, new problems... The other story I'm just going to write the final battle and some finishing lines... I don't want to do that right now.

I've been having this feeling for a long time now and.. I've tried to keeping myself occupied with other stuff so that I don't start to write on this new story... It's a great story and I think about it every day, that's why I can't start to write it. I'm afraid I'll never finish the other one then....

But right now... I don't feel great when I don't write. That's what happening now. I had to put aside my writing because of all the things I did for Halloween and Christmas. After that I needed a break because I was... Well you can imagine how I was feeling when you work on several projects for three months and 12 hours a day. I didn't even rest on the weekends so.. There you go. Do that and you'll know how I feel. Add it too that I had nightmares for about two months and wasn't getting the sleep I needed. So yeah, I think I have the right to take a little break for a week or so.

But anyway! When I don't write I get this... depression. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to eat I don't want to do anything but just lie in my bed and think about death. It has always been like that for me. When I don't write I become a unpleasant being. So right now I need to write and since I just want to write the new story.... Maybe I should write on it? To get rid of this feeling. And become my usual pleasant self and not just the shell of a human who used to be so full of energy.

---

By the way... I had another nightmare this night. And... It was really horrible... The short version: I dreamt that I was poisoned by one very distant family member. In my dream I tried not to swallow it and I could feel how the saliva in my mouth was dripping down... I woke up about there and my pillow was rather wet... So I'm pretty depressed over that too. Just, a lot of depression that's thrown over me. Yeah.. I just want to make it better. So I'm going to write on my new story and I'm hoping it will cheer me up.

Have a nice day all of you! Hope this post haven't affected your day in a bad way. That's not why I wrote it.

It gets better

I got a kill as a Raptor in Primal Carnage!! Yay!!

... Don't ruin my happiness all right! Be happy for the smaller stuff and for me that suck at games, to just see some progress... I just get really happy. It just shows, I can play that game, it wasn't just a huge waste of money and time, it actually shows progression and stuff like that so... Even if it's a game it's still an accomplishment and it gets me really happy.

Okay! So... Today I got a package, it contained a headset for my PS3 (so now I have a headset for my computer and my PS3! Yay!) and also...... I got Sims University!! Yay!! Can't wait until I feel well enough to install it! I've been yearning for that game ever since it came out! And now I have it! Oh happy day! I'm not really yearning that much for Sims Into the Future... I've heard that all my friends thinks it's so great and I asked one of my friends why it was so great... This is the response I got: "Oh, it's so great! You can do so much on it!" me: "Like what?" her: "Well, you can go into the future!" me: ".... Wow." Didn't really suck me in... Maybe because I'm not in to all that future stuff... I'll get there when I get there, what's the rush? You're only rushing into your death anyway so... Why even go there? Anyway! Sidetrack, ehum.. So no, I'm not sure whether I'll buy that or not... I probably have to talk to more people and see what really comes with it. Flying car? ... I don't care abour that... I much rather ride on the horses than have a car.... So, no. Anyway!

Tomorrow I'm hopefully going to a dollmeeting... Hopefully I'll be feeling well... Otherwise I'll take some pills hope they'll work because it was a long time now that I've been on a dollmeeting... I miss it SO much! So... Yeah, there are some relaxing here and game play and stuff. I need it after this crazy months...

Oh yeah! Before I forget... Nightmares are... I think starting to get better... I had one dream three days ago where I was dreaming of my old school, and they were bullying me and stuff like that and so I brake down and cry because I knew they wouldn't care what I did I was just invisible to them so yeah.. I cry and I feel like someone is watching me so I look up and there's this girl sitting beside me and she looked really concearned. I was in shock and had recently cried so I can't say much, but she keeps talking and then she invites me home and we have a nice time together. So that pretty much confused me since it started out bad but ended good... And there was another dream that I had two nights ago where I was.. I had a crush on a woman, but she didn't know what she felt and stuff like that.. So then another woman comes along and she was just wonderful so I ended up with her, still having some feelings for the first woman and I felt really bad for being with someone while liking someone else... And then that triangle took a sideturn with some chaos and there was a friend of mine in trouble but she ended up Ok and... Yeah, a mess but not really a nightmare.. Like the nightmares are trying to push my good dreams away but the good dreams are still there... There was a similar dream I dreamt yesterday... Two identicle twince and I had a crush on one of them, the long haired one, then I meet the other twin who has shorter hair and she was just... It felt better talking to her because we could have these deep conversations.. How she felt when she was constantly mistaken for her twin sister who was better than her, everybody was talking about her sister and not her. I think the long haired sister was named Lucy too and that's odd because I usually don't get names in my dreams.... So that was weird, but it was a pretty beautiful dream with a lot of moments that were full of emotions... So, I don't know what those dreams mean, but... Not many nightmares anymore and I actually feel relaxed when I wake up and it's noticeable because I have more energy than I did before. I don't know, maybe the nightmares were some kind of a stress thing, but.. I'm glad they're sort of gone... I'm not getting my hopes up, but even so, I know that I'm going to have plenty more nightmares in the future, hopefully not as many as every night in three months but, yeah.. It gets better at least so I'm glad.

Now I'm going to rest and watch some Avatar: The Last Airbender serie. After that hopefully a good night sleep and then meeting new friends tomorrow! Yay! Can't wait!