Suring the day, I feel Ok. As Ok as can be espected by the circumstances. I do what I do, I write, I play games, I talk to the few friends I have and I even make plans of the future. I feel like my old self during the day, thinking about nothing else but what's to be done.
The nights however... Since it's dark I can't really do much. Since my body gets tired I can't really do much so my brain does all the working. You know what that's like I bet. Everybody probably has a time when it becomes quiet and you have nothing else but your thoughts... And when something is bothering you... There's a different reaction to everyone, everyone react differently when that happens. Depending on the situation and how your life looks too. If you've been reading this blog long, you know pretty much what's bothering me. It's the job thing again and then my crush who is straight and there's something else.
I blocked one person from my life, turned my back on her when she probably needed me the most just because I wasn't feeling good myself. I have punished myself for that, I don't know if I can forgive myself for that because I don't see a good reason to why I should. But a few days ago I contacted her again. Told her exactly what happened on that day I blocked her, what I felt and we started talking again. The thing is... she has someone at her side. Someone who cares for her, sleeps with her and right now I'm jealous. But that's just beating on me more since.. What the hell have I done with my life? I still don't have a job, I still just sit around doing nothing.. Well I write, but I don't finish it... I have a crush that doesn't want anything to do with me. I have beaten myself up, because I thought that was the right thing to do.. So now I beat myself more up just because of that... And I'm sick of it!
My head is going crazy! Every night I can't sleep because my head is just spinning out of control... I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist but I don't have a real problem. Why do you see a psychologist for? Your parents divorce? I don't have a problem with that. Your life partner? I don't have one to worry about. Your drinking problem? I don't drink! I don't have any problem what so ever... So why the hell am I doing this to myself? It's all me, my brain, my thoughts! Every night I wish it could just stop! Why am I feeling bad over something that happened in the past? Why am I just sitting on my butt all day, hoping the world would understand that I'm trying to live my life? .... Because I'm scared! I'm afraid to disappoint everybody. Most of all myself. So I don't try, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. I beat myself up, because I think that's nothing more than I deserve. I am nobody. Just another human that's trying to make it to the next day. I'm still here! So can I just stop being a coward and prove to the world that I am NOT just any human. Please?
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