I am so messed up

I just realized something... something that I've always known, but I haven't found the words for it... Not until now.

I thought I got jealous whenever I heard my friends spending time with someone else. I thought it was about not sharing my friends... That I couldn't share my friends. I thought I was a really jealous type...... But now, I'm not so sure I am as jealous as I thought I was.

It has nothing to do with "share my friends". It has nothing to do with my friends at all. It's the way I see myself. The way I figured.. I'm no ones friend. I see people as my friends, but I don't think they see me as a friend (they do, but this is how I see myself). I can't be someones friend.

So here's what I think I am to them: Someone you have when you don't have anyone else. That's me. I'll always be around when no one else is. When you don't have anyone to talk to, you talk to me. When you don't have anyone to share with, you share with me. That's the way it has always been. People has always come to me only if no one else is around. And I've been OK with that. At least they were talking to me. And that is why I get scared whenever I hear that my friends are with someone else.

I don't get jealous. I get scared! If they have someone else to be with, why be with me? ... I don't have an answer to that question. So it has nothing to do with jealousy or "I don't want to share my friends"... It all has to do with how I see myself... And I'm not a friend. I get surprised whenever someone calls me "best friend" and I hide from the truth.. Because I don't want to get my hopes up. That always leeds to disappointment.

... Now that I've come to that realization.... How the HELL am I going to fix it?