Frustration!!

Yeah! As the title indicates I'm feeling really frustrated. My fingers are tingling, I can feel right now how they just dance over the keyboard and loving every minute of it... Every inch of me... No! That's a lie, my stomach and chest are burning with inspiration. I kind of had that coming. I.. haven't written since Monday. I've been really busy this week and I also had some serious pain in my chest on Tuesday  so I've been trying my best to calm me down. Which means, not getting worked up and write (since I'm really passionate about it my heart beats like I'm looking at the love of my life whenever I write). So because of that I'm feeling a longing to write like I always do after a pause. Also I had that dream this night that got me thinking about my stories and storytelling and stuff like that...

There happened another thing as well.. I didn't mean for it to happen! I bought Band Hero the other day and I thought since I can't write I'll play that for a bit... There was one song in there, can't remember the name right now, that really got me inspired. The song wasn't interesting at all, in fact I have a really hard time getting into english songs because I can't hear the song or instruments or anything, I just hear the lyrics and what they're saying. This lyrics.. it was so beautiful. I felt something while I read that lyrics and... I just wanted to listen to that song over and over just because of the lyrics. So yeah! Inspiration just flooding everywhere! However I got some really bad news... It's that time in the month for me so... I'm in so much pain right now that pills doesn't work AND I can't move out of my bed much. I get really weak when it's that time in the month and so writing? Not happening that much...

It just... frustrates me! I'm also reading dramas right now, while I'm in bed I can't do much, but read and play Sims and watch movies. So! I'm reading dramas and so I really want to write a love story again. I really do! And I'm thinking more about my next story. That one isn't a love story, not that passionate love story anyway, but! There's a side story in there that is a passionate, dramatic love story and I'm thinking about writing some of it down. Maybe precent it here? And it's a side story so I don't have to put all my energy to it so I hope I'll still be able to write the big story as well. I'm just... hoping! But as said.. My whole body is concentrated on the pain that I'm feeling right now, so I can't really write right now, but... I'll think about it more. Do you think it'll be OK if I presented that side story here? Give you a little piece once a week? Oh, why am I asking? Of course it is! All right, I'll say this! If you don't like the idea speak up now! .............................. No objections! OK! Let me just think for a bit and I'll let you know if I'm going to do it or not! Now I'm probably going to play Sims so that I get all this inspiration away and then I'm probably going to watch a "My Cat From Hell" episode before I'll try to get some sleep. Hopefully the pills will start working so that I actually can sleep! Yes! Sounds like a goood plan! ... Oyasuminasai!

Thursday and Thursnight

OK. I'm dead. Thursday killed me! ..... I'm just kidding! No it didn't. I'm just really tired because it's been kind of intense the whole week. Well! Yesterday was fine, it was kind of nice. Well, as nice as it could be with my grandmother. We didn't fight, she actually listened to what I said and we could carry a conversation like normal people. So that was nice! We went to the museum. And after that we had ice cream! So a pretty good day!

The night was... I so want to experience the night again. I usually have nightmares every night, this night I had a wonderful dream! .. That I can't remember!! I remember bits and pieces and one character that was wonderful but... I don't remember the contest, I don't remember backrounds I don't remember anything like that and I KNOW I had it set up in my dream! It was like experience one of my stories in a dream and I just can't remember it! I really wanted to turn it into a story! But... as it looks right now I can't. I can't remember it! It's frustrating!!

Something wicked this way comes

I don't want tomorrow! It's going to be a horrible day tomorrow! Can't I just be sick tomorrow?
*sigh*

I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow... Really not. My grandmother have somehow gotten this weird idea, stupid idea that her and me are going to spend some time tomorrow at a museum. Sure it's fun to go to a museum, I've been to this particular museum once with school and it was fun. But the idea of spending time with a grandmother that is behaving like Cruela De Vil... She's nagging, she's talking down to people that are different, she complains about everything... There's a scene in the first animated movie where De Vil questions someones driving while she drives like a maniac. I've heard that line from my grand mother all my life. And that woman wants to spend time with someone who strive towards different? What the hell is she thinking?

It's probably not going to be as bad as I think it's going to be, but... I don't have high hopes and I just hope the day goes by quickly so that I can just go home and be... home!

I can't believe it!

OMG! OMG! OMG!
I have it! It's in my bookcase! A mounth before the release!! I bought it! I own it! And it's supposed to be out on September 29th!! I thought this would never happen because I live in Sweden but... It's here! I've held it, I've hugged it, I've read the text on the back.. My own Skulduggery Pleasant: The Last Stand of the Dead Men.

Thinking ahead

Since the other one got so long I figured I'll write another one today. Two in one day, I do spoil you!
I finished another chapter of my story yesterday and I've come pretty far. There's not much left. So I've beginning to think of a new story, what I might write after this. I know I have a lot of ideas already in my head, but I don't really want to write them right now. I don't want to start writing on something and then just stop before I've finished it. This story I'm writing on now might be the first one I've finished since I was fourteen years old. I'm 22 now, by the way. So I kind of wonder... What makes this story diffirent from all the other ones I've started? Why can I finish this one and not any other? I haven't come up with the real answer yet. I thought it was like any other story, but apparently not since I'm finishing this one. So I thought, maybe it's because the character have a goal? All my other characters doesn't seem to have a goal they just accept the things I lay opon them. I don't know.

This weekened I was faced with warmth and my inspiration came from that. A family reunion. With magic and wonders. I pictured something similar to the situation I was. Everyone just having fun in their own way. I tried to expand on that idea there, but ended up with nothing. But the scene stuck in my head and I've thought about it more. What if, I put something I experienced in these stories... Will it be easier to finish them then?

I lost a very dear friend of mine. Turns out she wasn't what I thought she was. I thought she was much stronger than she showed me, but it turns out she was just a coward hiding from reality in all the little troubles she could find. She treated me like... I don't know, not as a person anyway and I didn't like that. I wasn't feeling well at the time, the year 2012 really broke me down, so I broke the contact with her. Figured I really needed to get better, to get back to my old strong self. I figured I could use this in my next story. On the way home, me and my mother talked about how friends drift apart. They usually do. Could I work in this in my story? So instead of it being a family reunion, that scene became something like "I want to back to those happy times". I figured this family would drift apart and most of them would take a wrong turn in life. But still, most of them just want a home and a happy family to return to whenever they were finished with whatever they were doing. Friends drift apart, but a family should always be there for you... You think that would be a good story? You think that would be interesting? And hey, I haven't told you everything I've been thinking. For instance... I haven't told you what these family members are doing, or why they took the wrong turn.

A Nightmare

These past two days has been a nightmare.
I was visiting my grandmother's new summerhouse for the first time. I thought it was going to be fun, to see how they were living and I've learned how to talk to my grandmother now so we actually can have deacent conversation without it ending in a disaster. But no, still there has to be something wrong. And it's not that bad really. It could've been worse, it was just... not so great.

Well, during the day most of it was fine. Nothing special happened really. During the late evening I realized I hadn't written anything in two days. And I always get uneasy when I don't write. So in the middle of socializing with my family I felt that inspiration and urge to write. It got to that point where I didn't hear what anyone was saying because I was in my own head, imagining stories. I wanted to write them down, but it's not very nice to write on the computer in company and my phone just... I couldn't hit the right buttons since I'm so used to my computer, it took too long on the phone. So after a half hour I said that I just couldn't stand it anymore and I had to write. I had my computer with me so it wasn't any difficulties in that. And so, I went to bed and started writing. After a while though I started to feel a certain human need which I hate, especially in the night. I just had to go to the bathroom. So yeah, I got up and they only have one of those "not in the house", you know? So I got in there and... Pitch black! There was no light what so ever. Luckily I always have my phone with me so I picked it up and stepped forward. Just a half step from the door I felt something in my hair. I ducked and looked around, but it was pitch black so I couldn't see anything. I touched the screen on my phone and it flashed and I caught some last glimpses of a spider as it was crawling to a board in the ceiling. I just shrugged and said, OK where have you built your web? and moved passed it. I'm not that afraid of spiders or anything, I don't have anything against them... However this one, it's webbing was HUGE! I had to duck under it to avoid it, yeah, I'm tall, but it was probably as big as my head! And the spider... huge web must mean huge spider? Correct. I've never seen a spider like that! It was the sixe of half my thumb (not counting the legs) and it was FAT! Sorry, spider, but you were really fat! My first thought was to just skip the bathroom break and head home again, but then again... I didn't think that one was going to come down from it's nest. Not at that time anyway. So I figured I do my business... Found another insect, as big as the spider, look like a beetle of some sort, in the back.. That beetle won't move, because those rarely do! And then the worst of all.. Kind of sad that the tinest little thing would be the worst of all. There was a spider, the size of half my fingernail, and it had built a web... By the toilet. I thought: This can't be happening! It's a party of insects in here and I REALLY need to pee! But yeah, I did it! I got back from the bathroom, without knocking my head in the spiderweb, the phonelight didn't attract any more insects and I could finally write in peace! After a bathroom visit like that I really didn't want to go back there EVER again! I don't have anything against insects but a bathroom should be insects free!!

But that wasn't all that happened. I figured I would have nightmares about it too since it was a hard experience... No, that would've been too easy and I don't really like it when things are too easy. So no I didn't dream about huge spiders or beetles. Have I told you that I have a fear of bears? Well, I do because I don't know how to act if I ever meet a bear. So I fear them. That night I dreamt about black bears having a fight with me just meters away frozen in place because of fear. I couldn't think, I couldn't react I just watched these two bears fighting and getting closer and closer. It was a pretty scary dream.

Well, when I got home the first thing I did was go to the bathroom. After that I went to bed... I couldn't take a shower because we are three persons trying to share ONE shower and... Yeah, since I'm unemployed I can shower when the others work.... I saw a spider, small one! Thank God, crawling on the wall by my bed while I was watching a movie.... Now I REALLY want to shower but I can't.. I'll have to wait until monday before I can take a shower... Then I'm going to clean my room! Yes, Indeed am I! So it's free from any possible animal that might have been crawling.... I don't want to think about it! I want to have a nightmare free night thank you! Please, no more nightmares! They're so common I don't even consider them as nightmares anymore.

ACHP

Wait what? It's Wednesday already? What the hell happened to Monday and Tuesday?

I think I've done the same thing everyday for four days now. In the mourning I've been reading. After that I write my 1000 words. Right after that I work on the Halloween project. And then I play Sims and after that I watch some anime before I go to sleep. I didn't realize I've done that for four days. I thought I've only done it for two or something like that. The interesting thing is that I haven't gone tired of what I'm doing every day. It's a little fun...

All my projects are turning out fine! The story is coming along very well. I didn't think I would be able to write anything today because of my headache, but I did! It went along very smoothly once I started. I only stopped because I was getting hungry. That damn hunger, getting in the way of my writing. Also the halloween project is turning out fine. I think Julien has been teased all night by Eliah. The hat I was working on wasn't finished yet, but I tested it on Julien and he had it on all night. As I went to bed Eliah said that Julien looked like a pilon! I never thought about it before, but he really did. I felt a little sorry for laughing at Julien, but it was so funny! The hat really looked like a pilon! But yeah, it wasn't finished yet so.. Now it is, kind of and he doesn't look like a pilon anymore. Also Julien seems much more happy now. I think he likes wearing a hat. Yeah! Julien's halloween costume is really coming along and everyone elses too! I've surprised myself very much this year about what I can do. I didn't think I would be able to make that hat. Neither the goggles or the "wolveriene wannabe" gloves to Eliah. And no, Eliah is NOT gonna go as Wolveriene. This is anime cosplay halloween party. ... ACHP for short? Oh well! Once it's Halloween I'll be posting up pictures! It should be fun! It Will be fun.

BJD talk

Eliah: "I want a new T-shirt."
Me: "But you already have a dozens of T-shirts!"
Eliah: "No I haven't."
Me: "Yes, you do! You have the one you're wearing now and you have the skull one, the Alichino one, the one with the dragon, the one with the eye, the one with the glitter print and you have the Punk T-shirt!"
Eliah: "Oh yeah... I want a new T-shirt."
Me: *sigh*

Good Night.

All right! Since I couldn't write yesterday I hoped that I at least could write today! And... you could say that I could write today.

I was going to the city today and go shopping with my mother today after she got out from work. So I figured I had some time to read to get a little inspiration and then write. Yeah, yesterday it took me about 10 minutes to write ONE sentence... Today I wrote 500 words in 10 minutes! Yes, I did! I love it when I don't write in one day, the day after I'm always so full of inspiration that the words flow through me without any difficulties. So before I got to the city I wrote my usual 1000 words. I've decided that I'm going to write 1000 words a day now and it's worked out pretty well. However I really wanted to make up for the time lost yesterday so I really wanted to write 2000 words today. So on the bus ride home I build up some inspiration and as soon as I got home I started the computer and started writing. Yeah, I started writing at 9pm and I'm finished 11pm and guess how many words I wrote? No, more than that. More than that. I wrote 2000 words when I got home! So today I've written 3000 words! I'm so proud over myself! I'm tired and sweating like hell, but still! After I wrote the 1000 words I thought to myself: Well, I'm so close to the ending of this chapter so I might as well continue. And so I wrote on and on and on, the chapter turned out to be longer than I thought, but that's good! All I'm saying is if you think 3000 words is a childsplay go ahead and write it, and be sure to be out with your mother shoping for four hours, then come back and write 2000 words at 9pm! Good luck!

Now I'm going to get some well earned sleep.... after I've watched some Big Bang Theory! Good night!

It's the little things that keeps dragging me down

Why, why, why, why?

... That's a really good start isn't it? Four "why". Is it enough or should I add more? ... It'll be enuogh for now. Well... I had a nightmare this night.. OK, I don't know if you could call it a nightmare. I saw a movie with these creatures before I went to bed last night. Those creatures could only move in the shadows and on dry land and if you were asleep when they appeared, your dream would turn into a nightmare. I thought they were really cool creatures and their design was awesome too! Like a human who was just skin and bones and were walking on four short legs, bent back and two round eyes that glowed in the dark. They were really cool and I liked them very much. Didn't think I would dream about them the same night though... So yeah, I just dreamt that I was being chased by them and had to hide in cold water to get away from them. That was kind of weird to wake up to.

At first I was happy to wake up because that meant I could write on my novel... Yeah... Apparently my brain decided to shut down today. I haven't been able to write all day. I tried to write at first but one sentence took ten minutes to write, I was easily distracted and nothing flowed the way it used to. So I kind of gave up on that idea.. And I ALWAYS get really depressed when I don't write. At least when I try to write and it doesn't turn out good. But still I tried to lift my spirit.

I'm doing this project for Halloween where I'm gonna sew cosplay outfits for my dolls. So I thought I could do that since I can't really write. Turns out the idea I had for one doll won't work. So all the thoughts and preperations turned all out to be for nothing. So I tried to think about something else, another outfit I could start on... I can't figure out anything new for that doll. So right now she's out from the halloween party... I was really not happy about that. Another thing to add to the depression.

Also I talked to my friend who I was originally going to see today, but she kind of brushed me off for a friend she haven't seen in years and I can understand that. That's Ok. So I asked her what other day would be best and she said "you decide"... I suggested saturday. She said Ok. So then I was kind of happy because I was going to see her and everything.... No. I'm not seeing her. She called it off too. This doesn't really help with the depression! I'm not forcing anyone to see me! I'm really not though people might think that! You don't have to say yes to see me! You can do like everybody else and just don't answer to that question and then act like a dumb idiot the next day!

... So yeah! I've pretty much given up on the whole "being happy" today so now I'm gonna sulk! Yes, indeed I am! And no one can stop me! ... Why do I always get so depressed when I can't write!

Story Typing Two

Even though the straitjacket was off he still felt a certain restrain. He was standing outside of the mental hospital not knowing where to turn next, what his next move should be. They told him he was free, but he didn't feel any of this freedom they spoke of. Free to do what exactly? Until now he had someone who told him to what and when and he was supposed to take that into the outside world. He had been released because he knew when to laugh, when not to laugh, when to smile and how to talk. He was free because he knew how to restrain himself. Even though he knew all that, how to behave like a normal person he felt so lost. He barely remember the life before the time in the mental hospital, but he remember how different he was. That one murder he once did had filled him with so much. He remembered a strong negative feeling that made his body behave like a chased chicken. He remembered tears flowing down from his cheeks. Could he feel that again? He felt empty. Nothing filled him anymore. He had been told how to behave and he knew it like a textbook. There was nothing more to it. His laugh was without feelings, he knew why he was laughing, because something apparently was funny, but there was nothing more to it. Just because someone says it's funny doesn't make it funny. And why did someone laugh when something was funny? It was all just empty. Hollow. He remembered thise strong feelings he had before and even though they were negative they still filled him with something. Back then he wasn't empty. Back then he was complete, not lost, but with a goal in mind. He wanted to feel again. He wanted that feeling to fill him again, but murder was something they told him he couldn't do. That was not what a normal person would do... but he wasn't a normal person. A normal person was filled with feelings and emotions that told them how to respond to certain things. All he had was an empty feeling and a voice who told him how to respond to certain things. He wasn't a normal person at all. So what did it matter? All he wanted to do was feel again.
- Well, I'll just have to do it in secret then.
He mumbled to himself and then took his first step out in the real world. Left without nothing, but a goal in mind, a desire in sight. Holding on to it with a tight grip since it was his only chance to feel anything again. Even if it was negative, he just wanted those feelings to fill him once again. To fill this empty space in his entire body. To complete him.

The hunt continues

Oh you damn fly! You're still alive? Just die already!
.....
Fine! If you keep bumping your body into the roof I'll help you to kill yourself.
....
I'll grant you wish! *tries to smash the fly without staining the wall*
Boop!
*the fly disappears* ..... ... Damn it! I hate that fly!

The endless waiting

Just one more month of waiting! o.o