Thoughts that comes to me

My funeral... There's a day dedacated to me. A day to think about me, what I accomplished in life. A day when you gather everything you knew or wish to know about me. My funeral is where you meet all my friends, all my family and people I didn't even know. A day where even strangers say something nice about me. There's a day where no one nags about me getting a job. A day where I don't have to lie to make people feel better, or hold back because of the fragile human nature. My funeral is a day which I can call my own, a happy day to be selfish at.

I'll wait for my day to come and until then, I'll live for everyone else.

Osmosis Jones Movie

Well! I think I'm starting to get sick.. My throat is burning.. It's not sore, it's BURNING! ... Ok, it is sore, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

Everytime I get a cold I'm thinking of that Osmosis Jones movie! ... I think it's awesome! Just because of that Thrax character, he's so cool! Anyway, that line always comes into my mind when my nose is suffy and my throat is sore:

"This is your big plan? A sore throat? A stuffy nose? People are just going to think..."
".. a common cold, until I make my move. That's precisely what I want them to think!"

Yeah! ... Hopefully this is just a cold and not Thrax trying to kill me. Otherwise I'm really hoping I have an Ozzy in me to defeat him. ... Maybe I should take a drixenol pill too. Hmm...

Ramble and Book Titles

Well! I brought with me Skulduggery Pleasant- Playing with fire, if you didn't understood that in the last one and... I just read "The end of the world" ... Anyway! I mostly wrote the whole time and it felt awesome! .. OK, what I did most was walk but if you put it between write and read I wrote for the most time... I wrote more than what I read... Now I've really confused you I think so I'll just start over.

Hi! How have this weekedned been for you? Mine was OK. I argued with my family as usual, they really don't like my career choice, not that I blame them for it but I really wished they would just leave me alone. If they just shut their mouth I wouldn't be in this situation I'm in now, but of course it's mostly my fault for being where I am today. Yes.
I love going for walks in the forest. Outside in the city on the asphalt... It's so boring. Plane ground, plane houses, plane people... OK, maybe not plane people, but you can see what I'm getting at. In the forest there are big rocks, small rocks, animals, insects, trees in different colors and shape! It's so exciting being in the forest and taking walks there. So I think I walked around a mountain for... at least an hour. It felt like 20 minutes at the most, but no. At least one hour. After that I walked around my usual route and yeah.. I love to take walks when I'm not writing and it's really difficult to write when your family is shouting at you to be social. What I'm getting at is that my legs were so sore from all that walking the day after! I didn't think I was walking that far or that long, but as I put the pieces together... I think I took my route three times that day, that apparently takes 40 minutes and then that long route that took at least an hour so... I don't usually walk that far or long when I'm home. But those sore legs didn't stop me from walking some more, I just didn't have the strength to walk that mountain. It was fun. Also in my head I was going to prove that I wouldn't be out of ideas for my stories and so... I came up with another story idea. I didn't mean to when I was starting those thoughts, but.. It was an intersting idea.. So when I'm done with this story I have two other ideas to start on. Don't know which one I should start with though... I've thought abou the other story(not the one I'm writing now and not the one I recently figured out) and there's something missing in it.. I'm still figuring it out, but.. yeah, something is missing and I need to figure something out before I can start on it. And also I need to finish the one I'm currently writing!

I'm going to wrap this up, so what I really wanted to say with this post was that I've now read ALL the Skulduggery books and I've been thinking to myself that I should get more books to read. So I counted my money and felt that I had enough to buy new books! So I went down to the store and noticed a sale! 4 books and only pay for 3! That felt really good so now I have four new books to read! So I don't have to read Skulduggery again and again and again! ... But I'll probably do it because they're so awesome! But yeah! I've got new materials!
The ones I bought are: "Black Spring" by Alison Croggon, "Mystic" by Alyson Noël, "Shadow and Bone" by Leigh Bardugo and the one I got for free was "Who Could That be as This Hour?" by Lemony Snicket. I haven't read any of these books but I recognize Lemony Snicket by that movie "Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events" and I love that movie and I swear to you that when I read this book.. I'm gonna hear Jude Laws fantastic voice in my head!

Skulduggery Pleasant... Oh, how brilliant.

There! Now I've finished the seventh book of Skulduggery Pleasant! It took me a while, but I finally did it! And damn these books are good! I want to read them again o.o Right now! But.. I can't... I've already read them. Recently so I can't really read them again... Not right now. Even if nothing's stopping me but me.. It feels a little stupid..

Now all I have to do is wait for the next book to come out... I can't wait!! Derek, give me the book right now! I wanna read it! I want the last two books to come out so I can read them but.. I don't want the story to end. Can't it be a "Never ending story"? I want more of it! So much more! I'm greedy for Skulduggery Pleasant! It's that good! I love that serie, it's the only dective book I could EVER finish! It's the only book I've been able to read in only a week. Of course I love it! I don't know how many times I've read the first book and I simply can't get enough of it!

I'm going away this weekened to celebrate a Swedish holiday and I can only bring with me ONE book.... I got a headache from trying to chose so I gave up. Dark Days is good. But then again the first book.. It was the book that started everything so it's better than any of the other ones but I've read it SO many times that maybe I should put that aside from now. Death Bringer was unpleasant. I'm sorry but that book hurt me so badly, not because it was bad or anything, I felt for the characters and I just couldn't get a break from it! It's the hardest book in the serie to get passed! Damn it was painful. Mortal Coil.. Remnants. That's all I'm saying to that one. Remnants. I hate them. Poor Ghastly.. Poor Kenspeckle.. Playing with Fire. We get introduced to Scapegrace... I hate him. I hate him so much that I just wish Derek would do something about it, but apparently Derek find him so amusing that he can't seem to kill him off! Or maybe not amusing.. Maybe it's just pity for his character.. I don't know.. And then we have The Faceless Ones... This one is good. I could bring that one with me but... Fletcher. I don't like him. I feel sorry for him and then in Kingdom of the Wicked I finally felt happy for him! ... These books.. Why do they have to be so many and so big? I want to bring them all so I don't need to choose but... Now here I am.. If Derek Landy doesn't continue to write after he's done with Skulduggery Pleasant I'm going to be very upset with him!

... I think I'll bring Playing with Fire. Knowing the things I do now, it would be fun to read about the Baron and that armour. I'll just have to ignore Scapegrace the best I can.

If you haven't read Skulduggery Pleasant yet I command you to do it right now! They are brilliant! I can't give you one reason to why you should read them. I can give you plenty! But that will make this post longer than I intended when I started so... I'm just going to say: when you start reading, you'll never be able to stop. Skulduggery Pleasant forever!!

A bond like no one elses? Like hell...

I feel terrible.. I don't know if I'm hungry or if my stomach actually turned inside out because I feel terrible... It hurts either way.

Well.. I don't know if I should be saying this.. I'll probably feel even more terrible, but I want to tell someone to just... get it out of my system? I want to undue the knot in my stomach and I kind of need your help. Are you a surgeon by any chance? I hope you are because I really don't want to deal with this pain... If I make any spelling mistake it's because it hurts so much I just want to get this done with and go to sleep. Sleep the pain away! I've always been good with that. That's what I do, yes. Sleep the pain away. Indeed.

So I talked to my sister today. She was one of those who said she missed me and how wonderful of a person I am and.. I believed her. Why wouldn't I? I think I still believed that. It's this part I don't believe. She said she didn't realize things when she was tired but... Can't she give a heads up when she's tired and don't give a fuck about anything else except from how good she looks in the mirror? ... Excuse my language.
Well, we hadn't spoken in a week.. The last time we spoke I told her I wouldn't be in the way for her, after she told me she rather watch a TV show than being with me(that's how I took it, I don't know if she meant it that way.) So we didn't speak for a weak after that. So I decided that it's stupid to be mad over a stupid thing like a misunderstanding. So I asked her how she was feeling and she was feeling good. Just a little sick, but it was getting better. Showed her that I cared about her and when she asked me how I was feeling I answered truthfully. I told her that I didn't have that many people to talk to so I created this blog to let out my feelings. "That sounds fun." she said. My reaction was: "It's fun that I don't have anyone to talk to so I need to talk to a blank space just to let my feelings out? Would you like to trade?" but I didn't tell her any of that of course. It was my deal after all so if she thought it was fun, fine. Then I said that I missed her. She didn't answer that. After some small talk I slipped in: "Well, everythings fine. I'm the only one who missed you so that's fine. No big deal." and she answered: "That's good ^^" ... How tired could she have been? I'm sorry, I am blaming myself for this, of course. I must have done something wrong that made her talk like that... She didn't even notice I was gone from her life in a week... Maybe it's just my life that's empty without her. She seemed very happy without me. And no, I can't be selfish by clinging on to her so... Now that I got it confirmed that she is happier without me... Maybe now I can move forward. Well, what else can I do? She's my sister but she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I'm a horrible person after all and of course no one wants to be with a horrible person. So I understand her. I understand her completely.

Teaparty?

This is a before and after shot of when I painted the cups. This is what I busy myself with when I don't write. I paint, draw, sew and photograph. I'm quite a telented person, don't you think?

Sleep.... sleep...

My sleep has been interrupted (do you say it like that when you wake up because of something you don't have control over?) because my neighbors is drilling a hole into my apartment! ... Well, not really but it sounds like it. It's in the apartment closely next door, so it sounds like they're drilling right next to my wall. So I've been woken up because of that..... THE WHOLE WEEK. They've been on it for four days now, every morning this week is the same! It would've been OK if it was like... One day or even two days, but four days with interrupted sleep... I'm starting to get kind of tired. I'm unemployed.... I'm not proud of it, but I can't really ignore it. So yeah, I'm unemployed and that means I don't go up extremly early and go to bed REALLY late just because I want to do as much as I can while I have the time for it. But I can't really go out there and tell them to start later because, those neighbors have moved so that's an empty apartment their fixing so they're there to do their work. So I just have to endure it and it's no big deal. I just wanted to say that... Yeah. I can't complain...

OMG I hate that expression! It's like Penny says/sings from "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along blog" (if you haven't seen that movie, you should! It's Joss Whedon!) "Anytime you're hurt there's one who has it worse around." So you're not allowed to hurt because there's some lucky bastard out there that can do anything, complain, feel pain, talk about their pain, because they have the luxirous to have it worse than you do. ... I'm sorry, but that expression makes me so angry. I'm lucky that I have it good, yeah, I know that! But why can't I complain just because I happen to have it better than someone else out there? People say you should talk about your feelings, but you can't complain because you have it better than someone else... My mother once said a good response to that: "There's always someone who has it worse than me, but there's always going to be someone who has it better, too." I liked that. ... And now I'm complaining that I can't complain! The sense has left the building and it doesn't look like it's coming back for a while... It packed the logic in it's bag too and they are gone!

Random thoughts, indeed.

I'm finally done with sorting these photos out! It took like.. Three hours!! around 600 photos reduced to 88... I'm tired...

Yeah, I've been photographing all day. That's all I've done.. But it was fun ^^ I think I deserved some fun after all, didn't I? Well! That's all I've done today... What have you been doing?

Sorry, for the short post but.. You know what, it's my blog so I'll do what I want in here. I'm going to continue to read a little before I go to sleep ^^ That's what I'll do, yes! Good night!

The little things...

Holy Crap!

I'm reading Skulduggery Pleasant and I read the sentence "Her phone rang". Right after that my phone started to ring XD That was a little creepy but still funny!

Differences

Should I spend the whole day reading? ... I still have a little vacuming to do... And I don't want to do one thing for a whole day.... But.. I can't stop reading! Not now! Not now when I've found out so much in the story... There's so many questions I would like to be answered. I think I know the answer but I don't know how it comes to that answer! That's what I want to find out. So... I think I'm gonna read until I've found that out. It's too hot to write anyway... And I don't really want to write this scene anyway...

Oh! Right, I haven't told you... I just started this blog yesterday, of course I haven't told you! But I want to be a author. I want that SO much! That is my dream, just sit in front of a computer surrounded by people and places and actions that only I can see. That would be a dream come true. I want to finish that goal before I die and that's my passion! Because when I write, nothing else matters. When I write, I'm not alone anymore, I'm not in my room and I'm mostly not being a human. I can be whatever I want and I can be whoever I want. That's what I love about writing. I don't get that feeling when I read. When I read I'm still a human that watches other spring to action. I'm an observer when I read I wonder what's going to happen. That's how I see it, I don't know if anyone else sees it that way.. It's like that movie, Never Ending Story. Sebastian is the observer until the very end. It isn't him that goes around and doing stuff, he's just sitting and reads the book. Still he is a part of it though because just by reading it he helps forming the story. That's how I see it. I think I've rambled on too much and I can continue to ramble but.. I'm probably just going to repeat myself. We all experience things differently. That's what makes humans so interesting. That's what I like about conversations. You get to know people through it. I want to know how other people experience stuff, what they think is funny, what they think isn't and stuff like that. I'm just gonna have to step back to do that. I'm the observer, except for when I'm in my room with my computer. Wouldn't it be great if I could live like that?

Don't...

Heh.. Now, here see? I already feel horrible for saying something about me. My stomach is twisting and my heart is pounding again. I'm terrified of being called selfish.. no. I'm terrified that anyone would notice how selfish I really am. But I'm not going to stop posting here... I think. I think I need it somehow. I'm so sorry for being who I am. I really am sorry.

Slightly irritated

Ok, I have no idea how to change something in the blog anymore... I think I broke it. Also it's too hot for me to think clearly and I think I've got something in my eye... Can't get it out, however this is really annoying so I don't have the patient to deal with any changes in the blog so... You'll have to endure that you can't see the date here, or the pages you've just clicked... I just can't change it right now. I'll look into it tomorrow. So yeah... I apologize for it, but it's not really my fault... well, it is since I wanted something cool to begin with and just ended up crashing the whole thing. Oh well, now I'm gonna read a little in Skulduggery Pleasant - Death Bringer before I go to bed!

Here we are..

Well... Recently a lot has been going on... I stand without having someone to talk to. That's probably my own fault... But since I don't know what the problem is, I can't really fix it. I don't know why people suddenly doesn't want to see me anymore. They want to talk, yes, I'm apparently a wall that they can talk to, but whenever I want to see them... They don't reply or just changes the subject. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Am I really that horrible? But... I enjoy myself... Kind of. I don't want to change, I like myself. Is that horrible? If I like a horrible person does that make me horrible? I don't really know..

I just want someone to talk to. Someone who'll listen. Someone who just wants to listen what I have to say for a change... I just want someone like that. So I'm creating this blog because, here you are. I don't know who you are or where you are for that matter. All I know is that you'll listen to whatever I write here. There is a small comfort to that. Maybe in the end you will finally speak up, say what a horrible person I am, how selfish I am and how stupid I am and maybe I'll fix it then. Maybe when I'm mature enough I will fix my flaws, but right now... I want someone else to be the wall for a change.. I'm sorry for saying that, but I kind of need a wall who listens. And someone who doesn't care if I'm being selfish for talking about myself. I know I'm asking for a lot, but yeah... Lot of my friends keeps disappearing without a word.. Well, they keep saying that I'm cute and a wonderful person, but in the end, they just stop talking to me without a warning.. Keep lying to me.. I'm tired of people lying to me. I'm tired of people in general. I just want to go back to the times where I wasn't so dependet on people... And that's another reason I'm creating this blog. I don't want to dependet on people. So I'm putting all that dependensy(if that's even a word) in here. In this little blog. Where no one is ever going to read, or comment on. And maybe then I'll be happy again. I'm feeling happy already. It's a comfort, it really is.

I can't write in a secret diary, I've tried it, it doesn't work for me. To write something where I know no one's going to read it... It's a waste of time, that's what it is. To put all thos mempries in a piece of paper? The important stuff I'll remember, and if I don't? Maybe they weren't that important as I thuoght at the time. To go see a psycologist? Yeah, that has crossed my mind. You get to go on a session... when was that again? Oh right, I can't talk to the psycologist every day. Also I feel even more selfish when I'm talking to people. If I say one sentence about myself I feel selfish and I stop talking. Keep saying that I'm not important and then they'll go away. Because they know that I'm right, I am not important. You can just go away from this page and that'll be OK. Because I can't see you, I don't even know if you're really there and that's OK. It's like when you're little. To have a pretend friend because you need it... I never had pretend friends. I wanted to, I tried to, but they all seemed like a waste of time because I knew they weren't really there. It was just a figment of my imagination and I didn't need to talk to myself or make up a fake image to use my imagination. Oh no, it's there all the time and it can create these beautiful things... Yes. I think I've rambled on to long now.. This is what happens when you don't have someone to talk to. All these things boild up inside of you, you just have to let it out and once you start talking, there's no end to it.

I apologize for the sixe of this first post. I think I'll be posting a lot in this blog. Whenever I want someone to talk to, I'll post it here instead so that I won't bore my friends that has actually stayed with me... I won't talk about them. I love them. I love everyone. Well no, but I accept everyone. We all was sent to this earth for something right? Yes. ... My heart has finally settled in my chest. It was beating so wildly before... A lot of things happened today that was a little unsettling. But writing here really made me feel better. It isn't a waste of time, because it makes me feel better. But I'm not important, so I'm not supposed to feel anything, yet I do. Sadly.. I feel a lot of things.