I just realized something... something that I've always known, but I haven't found the words for it... Not until now.
I thought I got jealous whenever I heard my friends spending time with someone else. I thought it was about not sharing my friends... That I couldn't share my friends. I thought I was a really jealous type...... But now, I'm not so sure I am as jealous as I thought I was.
It has nothing to do with "share my friends". It has nothing to do with my friends at all. It's the way I see myself. The way I figured.. I'm no ones friend. I see people as my friends, but I don't think they see me as a friend (they do, but this is how I see myself). I can't be someones friend.
So here's what I think I am to them: Someone you have when you don't have anyone else. That's me. I'll always be around when no one else is. When you don't have anyone to talk to, you talk to me. When you don't have anyone to share with, you share with me. That's the way it has always been. People has always come to me only if no one else is around. And I've been OK with that. At least they were talking to me. And that is why I get scared whenever I hear that my friends are with someone else.
I don't get jealous. I get scared! If they have someone else to be with, why be with me? ... I don't have an answer to that question. So it has nothing to do with jealousy or "I don't want to share my friends"... It all has to do with how I see myself... And I'm not a friend. I get surprised whenever someone calls me "best friend" and I hide from the truth.. Because I don't want to get my hopes up. That always leeds to disappointment.
... Now that I've come to that realization.... How the HELL am I going to fix it?
Friday 24 January 2014
Monday 6 January 2014
Primal Carnage Experience
Oh! And just one quick mentioning before I go to bed.. I was playing Primal Carnage today and.. There was not a lot of people online there today... Which was kind of sad but I played anyway, figured hopefully more people would join in later.
We started off with two humans and two dinosaurs and... I've played with like 10 on each team (since I'm not really good at games I want to start out in smaller groups) and I've heard that it gets kind of boring with that few people since there's not much going on. ... But these three people I was playing with.. I haven't been that nervous while playing Primal Carnage before. I was playing as a Comando, since his weapon is the best, and the dinosaur team was two raptors... And we were at the field map where there's high grass everywhere and my team mate ALWAYS went into the grass and... To me that was a stupid move since the raptors have more advantage in the high grass. But... It was so scary since I knew there were two raptors coming after us, we were making our way through the high grass and.. It just felt like The Lost World, my favourite scene in that movie when the raptors ambushes the humans in the high grass and... It was just so fun to play. I had never felt that cautious and scared as I did playing with only three other people. So.. It can get exciting with that few. It's always as fun as you make it out to be.
However two of them left so it was just me and my first team mate. I was the raptor and he was...... a human. And... We must've circled each other or something because I could not find this person. I looked through the entire map and I couldn't find him! So eventually he left which was understandable but I said I was going to stay until the match ended because I wanted to see the victory line, I was the only one there with some kind of points so of course I must win that game.... Nope, defeat! .. WTF?! Oh well! It's a fun game anyway and... I have a lot of fun playing it!
Now I'm going to sleep... The clock is 1.40 am.. I watched Gamer4G all right?! I got a little caught up in his videos... on youtube. Gamer4G is his channel name, look him up. He was the one who got me into Primal Carnage and probably MANY other people so... Yeah! Have fun with that and I'm going to sleep and hopefully not have any more nightmares! Good night and Good bye!
We started off with two humans and two dinosaurs and... I've played with like 10 on each team (since I'm not really good at games I want to start out in smaller groups) and I've heard that it gets kind of boring with that few people since there's not much going on. ... But these three people I was playing with.. I haven't been that nervous while playing Primal Carnage before. I was playing as a Comando, since his weapon is the best, and the dinosaur team was two raptors... And we were at the field map where there's high grass everywhere and my team mate ALWAYS went into the grass and... To me that was a stupid move since the raptors have more advantage in the high grass. But... It was so scary since I knew there were two raptors coming after us, we were making our way through the high grass and.. It just felt like The Lost World, my favourite scene in that movie when the raptors ambushes the humans in the high grass and... It was just so fun to play. I had never felt that cautious and scared as I did playing with only three other people. So.. It can get exciting with that few. It's always as fun as you make it out to be.
However two of them left so it was just me and my first team mate. I was the raptor and he was...... a human. And... We must've circled each other or something because I could not find this person. I looked through the entire map and I couldn't find him! So eventually he left which was understandable but I said I was going to stay until the match ended because I wanted to see the victory line, I was the only one there with some kind of points so of course I must win that game.... Nope, defeat! .. WTF?! Oh well! It's a fun game anyway and... I have a lot of fun playing it!
Now I'm going to sleep... The clock is 1.40 am.. I watched Gamer4G all right?! I got a little caught up in his videos... on youtube. Gamer4G is his channel name, look him up. He was the one who got me into Primal Carnage and probably MANY other people so... Yeah! Have fun with that and I'm going to sleep and hopefully not have any more nightmares! Good night and Good bye!
In a black void only one voice is heard
I'm going to do something I probably shouldn't do.... I'm going to start writing on a new story... and I haven't finished the one I worked on last year. I know I shouldn't be doing this... I should finish my first story, but... I don't want to write on it right now. I love it, it's a good story and I am going to finish it, but... Right now I want to start writing about new characters, new adventures, new meetings, new problems... The other story I'm just going to write the final battle and some finishing lines... I don't want to do that right now.
I've been having this feeling for a long time now and.. I've tried to keeping myself occupied with other stuff so that I don't start to write on this new story... It's a great story and I think about it every day, that's why I can't start to write it. I'm afraid I'll never finish the other one then....
But right now... I don't feel great when I don't write. That's what happening now. I had to put aside my writing because of all the things I did for Halloween and Christmas. After that I needed a break because I was... Well you can imagine how I was feeling when you work on several projects for three months and 12 hours a day. I didn't even rest on the weekends so.. There you go. Do that and you'll know how I feel. Add it too that I had nightmares for about two months and wasn't getting the sleep I needed. So yeah, I think I have the right to take a little break for a week or so.
But anyway! When I don't write I get this... depression. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to eat I don't want to do anything but just lie in my bed and think about death. It has always been like that for me. When I don't write I become a unpleasant being. So right now I need to write and since I just want to write the new story.... Maybe I should write on it? To get rid of this feeling. And become my usual pleasant self and not just the shell of a human who used to be so full of energy.
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By the way... I had another nightmare this night. And... It was really horrible... The short version: I dreamt that I was poisoned by one very distant family member. In my dream I tried not to swallow it and I could feel how the saliva in my mouth was dripping down... I woke up about there and my pillow was rather wet... So I'm pretty depressed over that too. Just, a lot of depression that's thrown over me. Yeah.. I just want to make it better. So I'm going to write on my new story and I'm hoping it will cheer me up.
Have a nice day all of you! Hope this post haven't affected your day in a bad way. That's not why I wrote it.
I've been having this feeling for a long time now and.. I've tried to keeping myself occupied with other stuff so that I don't start to write on this new story... It's a great story and I think about it every day, that's why I can't start to write it. I'm afraid I'll never finish the other one then....
But right now... I don't feel great when I don't write. That's what happening now. I had to put aside my writing because of all the things I did for Halloween and Christmas. After that I needed a break because I was... Well you can imagine how I was feeling when you work on several projects for three months and 12 hours a day. I didn't even rest on the weekends so.. There you go. Do that and you'll know how I feel. Add it too that I had nightmares for about two months and wasn't getting the sleep I needed. So yeah, I think I have the right to take a little break for a week or so.
But anyway! When I don't write I get this... depression. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to eat I don't want to do anything but just lie in my bed and think about death. It has always been like that for me. When I don't write I become a unpleasant being. So right now I need to write and since I just want to write the new story.... Maybe I should write on it? To get rid of this feeling. And become my usual pleasant self and not just the shell of a human who used to be so full of energy.
---
By the way... I had another nightmare this night. And... It was really horrible... The short version: I dreamt that I was poisoned by one very distant family member. In my dream I tried not to swallow it and I could feel how the saliva in my mouth was dripping down... I woke up about there and my pillow was rather wet... So I'm pretty depressed over that too. Just, a lot of depression that's thrown over me. Yeah.. I just want to make it better. So I'm going to write on my new story and I'm hoping it will cheer me up.
Have a nice day all of you! Hope this post haven't affected your day in a bad way. That's not why I wrote it.
Friday 3 January 2014
It gets better
I got a kill as a Raptor in Primal Carnage!! Yay!!
... Don't ruin my happiness all right! Be happy for the smaller stuff and for me that suck at games, to just see some progress... I just get really happy. It just shows, I can play that game, it wasn't just a huge waste of money and time, it actually shows progression and stuff like that so... Even if it's a game it's still an accomplishment and it gets me really happy.
Okay! So... Today I got a package, it contained a headset for my PS3 (so now I have a headset for my computer and my PS3! Yay!) and also...... I got Sims University!! Yay!! Can't wait until I feel well enough to install it! I've been yearning for that game ever since it came out! And now I have it! Oh happy day! I'm not really yearning that much for Sims Into the Future... I've heard that all my friends thinks it's so great and I asked one of my friends why it was so great... This is the response I got: "Oh, it's so great! You can do so much on it!" me: "Like what?" her: "Well, you can go into the future!" me: ".... Wow." Didn't really suck me in... Maybe because I'm not in to all that future stuff... I'll get there when I get there, what's the rush? You're only rushing into your death anyway so... Why even go there? Anyway! Sidetrack, ehum.. So no, I'm not sure whether I'll buy that or not... I probably have to talk to more people and see what really comes with it. Flying car? ... I don't care abour that... I much rather ride on the horses than have a car.... So, no. Anyway!
Tomorrow I'm hopefully going to a dollmeeting... Hopefully I'll be feeling well... Otherwise I'll take some pills hope they'll work because it was a long time now that I've been on a dollmeeting... I miss it SO much! So... Yeah, there are some relaxing here and game play and stuff. I need it after this crazy months...
Oh yeah! Before I forget... Nightmares are... I think starting to get better... I had one dream three days ago where I was dreaming of my old school, and they were bullying me and stuff like that and so I brake down and cry because I knew they wouldn't care what I did I was just invisible to them so yeah.. I cry and I feel like someone is watching me so I look up and there's this girl sitting beside me and she looked really concearned. I was in shock and had recently cried so I can't say much, but she keeps talking and then she invites me home and we have a nice time together. So that pretty much confused me since it started out bad but ended good... And there was another dream that I had two nights ago where I was.. I had a crush on a woman, but she didn't know what she felt and stuff like that.. So then another woman comes along and she was just wonderful so I ended up with her, still having some feelings for the first woman and I felt really bad for being with someone while liking someone else... And then that triangle took a sideturn with some chaos and there was a friend of mine in trouble but she ended up Ok and... Yeah, a mess but not really a nightmare.. Like the nightmares are trying to push my good dreams away but the good dreams are still there... There was a similar dream I dreamt yesterday... Two identicle twince and I had a crush on one of them, the long haired one, then I meet the other twin who has shorter hair and she was just... It felt better talking to her because we could have these deep conversations.. How she felt when she was constantly mistaken for her twin sister who was better than her, everybody was talking about her sister and not her. I think the long haired sister was named Lucy too and that's odd because I usually don't get names in my dreams.... So that was weird, but it was a pretty beautiful dream with a lot of moments that were full of emotions... So, I don't know what those dreams mean, but... Not many nightmares anymore and I actually feel relaxed when I wake up and it's noticeable because I have more energy than I did before. I don't know, maybe the nightmares were some kind of a stress thing, but.. I'm glad they're sort of gone... I'm not getting my hopes up, but even so, I know that I'm going to have plenty more nightmares in the future, hopefully not as many as every night in three months but, yeah.. It gets better at least so I'm glad.
Now I'm going to rest and watch some Avatar: The Last Airbender serie. After that hopefully a good night sleep and then meeting new friends tomorrow! Yay! Can't wait!
... Don't ruin my happiness all right! Be happy for the smaller stuff and for me that suck at games, to just see some progress... I just get really happy. It just shows, I can play that game, it wasn't just a huge waste of money and time, it actually shows progression and stuff like that so... Even if it's a game it's still an accomplishment and it gets me really happy.
Okay! So... Today I got a package, it contained a headset for my PS3 (so now I have a headset for my computer and my PS3! Yay!) and also...... I got Sims University!! Yay!! Can't wait until I feel well enough to install it! I've been yearning for that game ever since it came out! And now I have it! Oh happy day! I'm not really yearning that much for Sims Into the Future... I've heard that all my friends thinks it's so great and I asked one of my friends why it was so great... This is the response I got: "Oh, it's so great! You can do so much on it!" me: "Like what?" her: "Well, you can go into the future!" me: ".... Wow." Didn't really suck me in... Maybe because I'm not in to all that future stuff... I'll get there when I get there, what's the rush? You're only rushing into your death anyway so... Why even go there? Anyway! Sidetrack, ehum.. So no, I'm not sure whether I'll buy that or not... I probably have to talk to more people and see what really comes with it. Flying car? ... I don't care abour that... I much rather ride on the horses than have a car.... So, no. Anyway!
Tomorrow I'm hopefully going to a dollmeeting... Hopefully I'll be feeling well... Otherwise I'll take some pills hope they'll work because it was a long time now that I've been on a dollmeeting... I miss it SO much! So... Yeah, there are some relaxing here and game play and stuff. I need it after this crazy months...
Oh yeah! Before I forget... Nightmares are... I think starting to get better... I had one dream three days ago where I was dreaming of my old school, and they were bullying me and stuff like that and so I brake down and cry because I knew they wouldn't care what I did I was just invisible to them so yeah.. I cry and I feel like someone is watching me so I look up and there's this girl sitting beside me and she looked really concearned. I was in shock and had recently cried so I can't say much, but she keeps talking and then she invites me home and we have a nice time together. So that pretty much confused me since it started out bad but ended good... And there was another dream that I had two nights ago where I was.. I had a crush on a woman, but she didn't know what she felt and stuff like that.. So then another woman comes along and she was just wonderful so I ended up with her, still having some feelings for the first woman and I felt really bad for being with someone while liking someone else... And then that triangle took a sideturn with some chaos and there was a friend of mine in trouble but she ended up Ok and... Yeah, a mess but not really a nightmare.. Like the nightmares are trying to push my good dreams away but the good dreams are still there... There was a similar dream I dreamt yesterday... Two identicle twince and I had a crush on one of them, the long haired one, then I meet the other twin who has shorter hair and she was just... It felt better talking to her because we could have these deep conversations.. How she felt when she was constantly mistaken for her twin sister who was better than her, everybody was talking about her sister and not her. I think the long haired sister was named Lucy too and that's odd because I usually don't get names in my dreams.... So that was weird, but it was a pretty beautiful dream with a lot of moments that were full of emotions... So, I don't know what those dreams mean, but... Not many nightmares anymore and I actually feel relaxed when I wake up and it's noticeable because I have more energy than I did before. I don't know, maybe the nightmares were some kind of a stress thing, but.. I'm glad they're sort of gone... I'm not getting my hopes up, but even so, I know that I'm going to have plenty more nightmares in the future, hopefully not as many as every night in three months but, yeah.. It gets better at least so I'm glad.
Now I'm going to rest and watch some Avatar: The Last Airbender serie. After that hopefully a good night sleep and then meeting new friends tomorrow! Yay! Can't wait!
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