I'm feeling good right now! No aching in the chest, I'm not shaking, I don't have a headache nor stomachace! I do feel like I don't have a care in the world again, I feel quite good! ... Don't know what happened, all the bad thoughts just.. disappeared suddenly. Me and mother was watching Midsomer Murders and then it just went "poof"! And I wasn't feeling bad anymore. Don't really know why...
Today I've been painting a shirt-print, haven't played any games and I helped mother painting her nails (did a special spiderweb print on her nails).. Nothing special. I didn't have any nightmare that night either so there was nothing that haven't happen before. Although I did end up going to sleep that night quite happy.
After I wrote my last post I watched some YouTube and found clips of Darkwing Duck in Swedish. I have always loved Darkwing Duck but it's really difficult to find it in Swedish. So I looked a little further on the internet and guess what! I found it! That made me so happy and... Maybe that has something to do with it? I don't know. Either way, I thank Disney and Darkwing Duck for helping me finding at least one bit of happiness in these dark times of mine! Thank you so much!
Sunday, 6 April 2014
Saturday, 5 April 2014
The Nights are Worse
Suring the day, I feel Ok. As Ok as can be espected by the circumstances. I do what I do, I write, I play games, I talk to the few friends I have and I even make plans of the future. I feel like my old self during the day, thinking about nothing else but what's to be done.
The nights however... Since it's dark I can't really do much. Since my body gets tired I can't really do much so my brain does all the working. You know what that's like I bet. Everybody probably has a time when it becomes quiet and you have nothing else but your thoughts... And when something is bothering you... There's a different reaction to everyone, everyone react differently when that happens. Depending on the situation and how your life looks too. If you've been reading this blog long, you know pretty much what's bothering me. It's the job thing again and then my crush who is straight and there's something else.
I blocked one person from my life, turned my back on her when she probably needed me the most just because I wasn't feeling good myself. I have punished myself for that, I don't know if I can forgive myself for that because I don't see a good reason to why I should. But a few days ago I contacted her again. Told her exactly what happened on that day I blocked her, what I felt and we started talking again. The thing is... she has someone at her side. Someone who cares for her, sleeps with her and right now I'm jealous. But that's just beating on me more since.. What the hell have I done with my life? I still don't have a job, I still just sit around doing nothing.. Well I write, but I don't finish it... I have a crush that doesn't want anything to do with me. I have beaten myself up, because I thought that was the right thing to do.. So now I beat myself more up just because of that... And I'm sick of it!
My head is going crazy! Every night I can't sleep because my head is just spinning out of control... I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist but I don't have a real problem. Why do you see a psychologist for? Your parents divorce? I don't have a problem with that. Your life partner? I don't have one to worry about. Your drinking problem? I don't drink! I don't have any problem what so ever... So why the hell am I doing this to myself? It's all me, my brain, my thoughts! Every night I wish it could just stop! Why am I feeling bad over something that happened in the past? Why am I just sitting on my butt all day, hoping the world would understand that I'm trying to live my life? .... Because I'm scared! I'm afraid to disappoint everybody. Most of all myself. So I don't try, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. I beat myself up, because I think that's nothing more than I deserve. I am nobody. Just another human that's trying to make it to the next day. I'm still here! So can I just stop being a coward and prove to the world that I am NOT just any human. Please?
The nights however... Since it's dark I can't really do much. Since my body gets tired I can't really do much so my brain does all the working. You know what that's like I bet. Everybody probably has a time when it becomes quiet and you have nothing else but your thoughts... And when something is bothering you... There's a different reaction to everyone, everyone react differently when that happens. Depending on the situation and how your life looks too. If you've been reading this blog long, you know pretty much what's bothering me. It's the job thing again and then my crush who is straight and there's something else.
I blocked one person from my life, turned my back on her when she probably needed me the most just because I wasn't feeling good myself. I have punished myself for that, I don't know if I can forgive myself for that because I don't see a good reason to why I should. But a few days ago I contacted her again. Told her exactly what happened on that day I blocked her, what I felt and we started talking again. The thing is... she has someone at her side. Someone who cares for her, sleeps with her and right now I'm jealous. But that's just beating on me more since.. What the hell have I done with my life? I still don't have a job, I still just sit around doing nothing.. Well I write, but I don't finish it... I have a crush that doesn't want anything to do with me. I have beaten myself up, because I thought that was the right thing to do.. So now I beat myself more up just because of that... And I'm sick of it!
My head is going crazy! Every night I can't sleep because my head is just spinning out of control... I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist but I don't have a real problem. Why do you see a psychologist for? Your parents divorce? I don't have a problem with that. Your life partner? I don't have one to worry about. Your drinking problem? I don't drink! I don't have any problem what so ever... So why the hell am I doing this to myself? It's all me, my brain, my thoughts! Every night I wish it could just stop! Why am I feeling bad over something that happened in the past? Why am I just sitting on my butt all day, hoping the world would understand that I'm trying to live my life? .... Because I'm scared! I'm afraid to disappoint everybody. Most of all myself. So I don't try, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. I beat myself up, because I think that's nothing more than I deserve. I am nobody. Just another human that's trying to make it to the next day. I'm still here! So can I just stop being a coward and prove to the world that I am NOT just any human. Please?
Friday, 4 April 2014
The Trip
I had a dream last night.... Nothing surprising there, but this was a dream about my crush.
A few friends (I don't know them in real life) and my crush and me was offered to go on a trip. The friends all said yes and I also said yes. My crush however was a little more hesitant. With much persuasion she still didn't want to go, so she was left behind while the rest of us went on this trip. Two of the friends took this really bad and they were sad that my crush didn't come with us. They blamed it on their selves, saying that she should be there instead of them and so on and so forth. Since it's a dream, something happened to them. As they continued to blame it on themselves they started to shrink, to become very small and very depressing. It was as if they'd given up on everything. When they were so small that they fitted in a lunchbox I got sick of their attitude. I told them: "You're not going to ruin yourself over one person are you? She's not here, but you are! You might as well enjoy yourself. You're going to let one person stop you from enjoying your time here?" I think I said more, but I don't remember it all. Even so, my encouragement worked and they grew into their normal size and joined the fun on that trip.
... What do you think this mean? It's probably very obvious that my crush not wanting to come on the trip represents my confession to her. And probably that the two friends that gor depressed represents me... But then why was I the one to encourage them? Why wasn't it me that got depressed and my friends encouraged me? Why was it switched around?
A few friends (I don't know them in real life) and my crush and me was offered to go on a trip. The friends all said yes and I also said yes. My crush however was a little more hesitant. With much persuasion she still didn't want to go, so she was left behind while the rest of us went on this trip. Two of the friends took this really bad and they were sad that my crush didn't come with us. They blamed it on their selves, saying that she should be there instead of them and so on and so forth. Since it's a dream, something happened to them. As they continued to blame it on themselves they started to shrink, to become very small and very depressing. It was as if they'd given up on everything. When they were so small that they fitted in a lunchbox I got sick of their attitude. I told them: "You're not going to ruin yourself over one person are you? She's not here, but you are! You might as well enjoy yourself. You're going to let one person stop you from enjoying your time here?" I think I said more, but I don't remember it all. Even so, my encouragement worked and they grew into their normal size and joined the fun on that trip.
... What do you think this mean? It's probably very obvious that my crush not wanting to come on the trip represents my confession to her. And probably that the two friends that gor depressed represents me... But then why was I the one to encourage them? Why wasn't it me that got depressed and my friends encouraged me? Why was it switched around?
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
A monster in Paris
I.. I hide my light inside a cloak of night
Beneath the red scarf and a chapeaux
The pearl of my heart locked within a shell
too afraid to let it go, to let it show
and all the headlines read
for the whole world to see
A Monster in Paris
I fall apart, I fall apart, apparently
I did appear beneath the light
yes it was me
A Monster in Paris
it's as if notes I sing set me free
I keep all my dreams under a lock and key
I'm so afraid that they will fly, away from me
A Monster in Paris
A Monster in Paris
A Monster in Paris
(From the movie "A monster in Paris", a really good movie with great music.)
Saturday, 29 March 2014
It's not weird until you make it weird.
Today was the day. That thought had gone through her head like someone was playing DJ with that one note. Today was the day. This day she would confess that she had strong feelings for this person. She felt like her mind was going crazy, all these feelings, this wonderful person who does nothing more than being wonderful. Because that's what wonderful persons do. This wonderful person never failed to look and act cute, this person never failed to send butterflies in her stomach that burned every organ inside of her. She felt dizzy everytime she saw those beautiful eyes, she just wanted to close her eyes and breath in that wonderful smell that belonged to this wonderful person. God, she was lovestruck. She had never felt this way before. She had been in love before, but not to the point where her mind went blank and where she could think of nothing but her. The butterflies swarmed as she was sitting near this person, thinking of nothing but how it would feel to touch souch beauty. She wanted to touch, but knew that she couldn't. Not in that way, because at this moment they were just friends. God, she wanted to change that. Her head and heart was dancing on those pink clouds everyone mentions when they say that they're in love. It truly felt like her head was floating in the air, because there really was no one else but this person inside her head.
Today was truly the day she confessed. She didn't do it with a kiss like in most romantic movies. She did it with her words. Her own words, which most of the times make her sound like an idiot. "You're the one I have strong feelings for. I have feelings for you". The hug of two friends ended and the wonderful person just stared at her for a moment. The pink clouds were too thick so she couldn't quite see the look she was given. The words however.. "I can't return the feelings". It took a while for the head to come back to earth. However her mouth continued to do the talking. Laughing. Saying that it would still be OK between them. As long as she could be around this wonderful person she figured it didn't matter if they were friends or a couple. She still saw herself as lucky. The both friends parted ways in a good mood and they were indeed friends.
Then her head fell like a rock down to earth again. Fast. Her heart crackled in her chest and the butterflies were turned to ashes. Would they really be fine? You never know. Women tend to think too much and that's never a good sign. She wanted them to continue on as normal but how would it be when her crush got a boyfriend? She already knew that she couldn't stand that, that's what being in love means. What if she stopped being in love with this person and found someone else? Would she hurt the wonderful woman because she would think this wasn't serius?
In a way, she didn't regret that she confessed her feelings, but at the same time it makes things difficult and hard. The whole way home she wished she could puke. Just get rid of those loovey-doovey feelings that now were useless to her. She wished she could just throw them up and never think about it again. Her stomach twisted and turned as her throat closed up, trying to keep everything in. Damn throat that kept betraying her. As she stepped on the threshold to her house she finally got her wish and she threw up on the floor. And as she cleaned it up with a paper towel she thought "Maybe now I can finally move on".
... Yeah! So.. Based on a true story! I confessed my feelings to the straight woman and... That's exactly what happened... Well, I didn't threw up when I got home since I rarely do throw up, but I wanted to. So yeah! I just wanted to type exactly how I felt since I love writing about feelings! So there you go! I'm now gonna bury myself in my lovely sheets and get up in the morning... Oh, God this night is going to be terrible... Maybe I'll play some games until I pass out? Yeah! That sounds like an excellent plan! Bye!
Today was truly the day she confessed. She didn't do it with a kiss like in most romantic movies. She did it with her words. Her own words, which most of the times make her sound like an idiot. "You're the one I have strong feelings for. I have feelings for you". The hug of two friends ended and the wonderful person just stared at her for a moment. The pink clouds were too thick so she couldn't quite see the look she was given. The words however.. "I can't return the feelings". It took a while for the head to come back to earth. However her mouth continued to do the talking. Laughing. Saying that it would still be OK between them. As long as she could be around this wonderful person she figured it didn't matter if they were friends or a couple. She still saw herself as lucky. The both friends parted ways in a good mood and they were indeed friends.
Then her head fell like a rock down to earth again. Fast. Her heart crackled in her chest and the butterflies were turned to ashes. Would they really be fine? You never know. Women tend to think too much and that's never a good sign. She wanted them to continue on as normal but how would it be when her crush got a boyfriend? She already knew that she couldn't stand that, that's what being in love means. What if she stopped being in love with this person and found someone else? Would she hurt the wonderful woman because she would think this wasn't serius?
In a way, she didn't regret that she confessed her feelings, but at the same time it makes things difficult and hard. The whole way home she wished she could puke. Just get rid of those loovey-doovey feelings that now were useless to her. She wished she could just throw them up and never think about it again. Her stomach twisted and turned as her throat closed up, trying to keep everything in. Damn throat that kept betraying her. As she stepped on the threshold to her house she finally got her wish and she threw up on the floor. And as she cleaned it up with a paper towel she thought "Maybe now I can finally move on".
... Yeah! So.. Based on a true story! I confessed my feelings to the straight woman and... That's exactly what happened... Well, I didn't threw up when I got home since I rarely do throw up, but I wanted to. So yeah! I just wanted to type exactly how I felt since I love writing about feelings! So there you go! I'm now gonna bury myself in my lovely sheets and get up in the morning... Oh, God this night is going to be terrible... Maybe I'll play some games until I pass out? Yeah! That sounds like an excellent plan! Bye!
Monday, 24 March 2014
I kyou U
I support his work!! And I think you should do to!
I bought the "I kyou U" CD today and I feel so good, because I really want Takeru to continue this! It's so good! I managed to listen to this song for an entire day and I've never gotten tired of it! It's really good and... That's my tip of the day! ... I can't believe I'm going to have his CD in my possesion very soon! I never thought that would happen, but.. It did! Yay!
You can buy it at www.yesasia.com
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Dealing
So much stuff is going on right now.. It feels like I'm on a fast rollercoaster and all these different kinds of sights are rushing through me and klings on to me. This is not how I wanted it at all.
So! I confronted my past two days ago. I thought the award would be huge because I felt so proud of myself that I took that step and confronted it and I talked through it without getting hurt... So because of that I now have an old friend back into my life... And I am freaking out! I'm scared that I'm going to have to go through the same thing again with her, but I'm trying to think: Maybe she has changed, maybe she has matured a little since the last time we spoke to each other.... So far this refound friendship has just brought back the memories of the three months of fighting we had. .. I'm freaking out!
I've also refound my inspiration again and so I'm rushing through sewing projects before that inspiration disappears again. I'm trying to sew as much as I can and as fast as I can because I want to do as much as possible before that inspiration goes away again. Sadly, not much writing... Which is what I really need to concentrate on, but we'll get there when we get there!
Also... Feelings. Yes, those too. I have strong feelings about someone. I think about that person everyday and all the time I just want to hold her and... You know the drill. Also I think she's straight.... Do I need to tell you more about how those feelings are twisting and turning inside me? I don't think so.
At the same time as I'm thinking about all of this, my mother comes home with a BIG SURPRICE! Which makes me feel really excited. So to sum up: I'm freaking out at the same time as I've strong feelings about a straight girl and I'm really excited... My heart feels like it's busting out of my chest and it hurts like hell! I confronted my past! Don't I get some kind of reward? It's not at all how the movies said it would be.
So! I confronted my past two days ago. I thought the award would be huge because I felt so proud of myself that I took that step and confronted it and I talked through it without getting hurt... So because of that I now have an old friend back into my life... And I am freaking out! I'm scared that I'm going to have to go through the same thing again with her, but I'm trying to think: Maybe she has changed, maybe she has matured a little since the last time we spoke to each other.... So far this refound friendship has just brought back the memories of the three months of fighting we had. .. I'm freaking out!
I've also refound my inspiration again and so I'm rushing through sewing projects before that inspiration disappears again. I'm trying to sew as much as I can and as fast as I can because I want to do as much as possible before that inspiration goes away again. Sadly, not much writing... Which is what I really need to concentrate on, but we'll get there when we get there!
Also... Feelings. Yes, those too. I have strong feelings about someone. I think about that person everyday and all the time I just want to hold her and... You know the drill. Also I think she's straight.... Do I need to tell you more about how those feelings are twisting and turning inside me? I don't think so.
At the same time as I'm thinking about all of this, my mother comes home with a BIG SURPRICE! Which makes me feel really excited. So to sum up: I'm freaking out at the same time as I've strong feelings about a straight girl and I'm really excited... My heart feels like it's busting out of my chest and it hurts like hell! I confronted my past! Don't I get some kind of reward? It's not at all how the movies said it would be.
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