It's not weird until you make it weird.

Today was the day. That thought had gone through her head like someone was playing DJ with that one note. Today was the day. This day she would confess that she had strong feelings for this person. She felt like her mind was going crazy, all these feelings, this wonderful person who does nothing more than being wonderful. Because that's what wonderful persons do. This wonderful person never failed to look and act cute, this person never failed to send butterflies in her stomach that burned every organ inside of her. She felt dizzy everytime she saw those beautiful eyes, she just wanted to close her eyes and breath in that wonderful smell that belonged to this wonderful person. God, she was lovestruck. She had never felt this way before. She had been in love before, but not to the point where her mind went blank and where she could think of nothing but her. The butterflies swarmed as she was sitting near this person, thinking of nothing but how it would feel to touch souch beauty. She wanted to touch, but knew that she couldn't. Not in that way, because at this moment they were just friends. God, she wanted to change that. Her head and heart was dancing on those pink clouds everyone mentions when they say that they're in love. It truly felt like her head was floating in the air, because there really was no one else but this person inside her head.
Today was truly the day she confessed. She didn't do it with a kiss like in most romantic movies. She did it with her words. Her own words, which most of the times make her sound like an idiot. "You're the one I have strong feelings for. I have feelings for you". The hug of two friends ended and the wonderful person just stared at her for a moment. The pink clouds were too thick so she couldn't quite see the look she was given. The words however.. "I can't return the feelings". It took a while for the head to come back to earth. However her mouth continued to do the talking. Laughing. Saying that it would still be OK between them. As long as she could be around this wonderful person she figured it didn't matter if they were friends or a couple. She still saw herself as lucky. The both friends parted ways in a good mood and they were indeed friends.
Then her head fell like a rock down to earth again. Fast. Her heart crackled in her chest and the butterflies were turned to ashes. Would they really be fine? You never know. Women tend to think too much and that's never a good sign. She wanted them to continue on as normal but how would it be when her crush got a boyfriend? She already knew that she couldn't stand that, that's what being in love means. What if she stopped being in love with this person and found someone else? Would she hurt the wonderful woman because she would think this wasn't serius?
In a way, she didn't regret that she confessed her feelings, but at the same time it makes things difficult and hard. The whole way home she wished she could puke. Just get rid of those loovey-doovey feelings that now were useless to her. She wished she could just throw them up and never think about it again. Her stomach twisted and turned as her throat closed up, trying to keep everything in. Damn throat that kept betraying her. As she stepped on the threshold to her house she finally got her wish and she threw up on the floor. And as she cleaned it up with a paper towel she thought "Maybe now I can finally move on".

... Yeah! So.. Based on a true story! I confessed my feelings to the straight woman and... That's exactly what happened... Well, I didn't threw up when I got home since I rarely do throw up, but I wanted to. So yeah! I just wanted to type exactly how I felt since I love writing about feelings! So there you go! I'm now gonna bury myself in my lovely sheets and get up in the morning... Oh, God this night is going to be terrible... Maybe I'll play some games until I pass out? Yeah! That sounds like an excellent plan! Bye!

I kyou U

I support his work!! And I think you should do to!
I bought the "I kyou U" CD today and I feel so good, because I really want Takeru to continue this! It's so good! I managed to listen to this song for an entire day and I've never gotten tired of it! It's really good and... That's my tip of the day! ... I can't believe I'm going to have his CD in my possesion very soon! I never thought that would happen, but.. It did! Yay!

You can buy it at www.yesasia.com

Dealing

So much stuff is going on right now.. It feels like I'm on a fast rollercoaster and all these different kinds of sights are rushing through me and klings on to me. This is not how I wanted it at all.

So! I confronted my past two days ago. I thought the award would be huge because I felt so proud of myself that I took that step and confronted it and I talked through it without getting hurt... So because of that I now have an old friend back into my life... And I am freaking out! I'm scared that I'm going to have to go through the same thing again with her, but I'm trying to think: Maybe she has changed, maybe she has matured a little since the last time we spoke to each other.... So far this refound friendship has just brought back the memories of the three months of fighting we had. .. I'm freaking out!

I've also refound my inspiration again and so I'm rushing through sewing projects before that inspiration disappears again. I'm trying to sew as much as I can and as fast as I can because I want to do as much as possible before that inspiration goes away again. Sadly, not much writing... Which is what I really need to concentrate on, but we'll get there when we get there!

Also... Feelings. Yes, those too. I have strong feelings about someone. I think about that person everyday and all the time I just want to hold her and... You know the drill. Also I think she's straight.... Do I need to tell you more about how those feelings are twisting and turning inside me? I don't think so.

At the same time as I'm thinking about all of this, my mother comes home with a BIG SURPRICE! Which makes me feel really excited. So to sum up: I'm freaking out at the same time as I've strong feelings about a straight girl and I'm really excited... My heart feels like it's busting out of my chest and it hurts like hell! I confronted my past! Don't I get some kind of reward? It's not at all how the movies said it would be.

Dreams

I spend the night dreaming very realistic dreams... Did I really wake up from a nightmare having trouble to breath? Or was that just a dream? ... Is there really a horse show marathon on TV this monday? Or was that just a dream? ... I hate dreaming realistic dreams.

Season Depression

Oh, God I've been feeling like crap lately.

No inspiration, no motivation, nothing exciting really. I just, don't feel well and I hate it! I want to feel good, I want that spark to light inside me so that I can feel like I'm at least trying to accomplish something after I wake up, but... The light inside me is gone. I'm trying really hard to lit it, but... nothing.

I've been feeling like this ever since I got well from my sickness and that was about one month ago. However I think I'm feeling unispired because of the weather... We didn't get any snow and so it's just a boring brown and gray outside, not very inspiring at all. And because of that it's not very good environment to photograph in, therefore I don't really feel like sewing because what am I sewing for? And so I get a little depressed about that. That deppression is leading to another problem I am having, the writing. I had a very inspiring dream the other night which I am turning into a story, however because of the depression it's making me tired and so I don't really write very well, not as well as I can so I kind of gave up on the writing for now since anything I type comes out garbage. And when I don't write I get even more depressed.

So there's one depression after another and on top of each other and so right now I'm just waiting it out. Hoping the major deppression will go away once the weather is nice again and then I'll get my inspiration back. Right now... I'm just trying to give me a reason to get up in the mornings. It's not easy without motivation and inspiration, but I'm doing it. Doing things I normally won't have time for because of the sewing and the writing.

I'm probably not going to be updating here as much either.. It's not fun to just read "I'm deppressed." next day: "I'm deppressed again." The day before that: "Oh! Guess what! I'm deppressed again." ... I don't really feel like typing that. So I'm just going to tell you guys when I feel good again.

Have a nice day and if you have any snow.. Enjoy it! For me! Since I can't enjoy it, you have to enjoy it for the both of us! Okay? Good! Okay!

Strange cravings in the night...

... It's 1am... And I'm in the mood for bolognese sauce... I was planning to go to sleep soon! Not eating bolognese sauce! .. It's delicious but... Maybe not at 1am!

Good night everybody!