I saw my crush today... She came forward with her friend, greated my friend, I hugged and greated her friend.... We didn'r exchange one word to each other. Not one look. It was as if she wasn't there, I wasn't there in her eyes. She was like a ghost, an illusion... That day, when she said she still wanted to be friends seems so far away.
At least now I know. And now I can move on.
Even with that, I had an awesome day, tons of fun with my friends and I felt beautiful, which I haven't felt in a long time. It felt just like before. Before 2012 and it felt so good. She couldn't wreck my mood, she won't wreck my mood. Now I know that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Now I can stop dreaming about "what if" and move on. Now I can concentrate on my friends that really matters. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Have a great evening! Hope you had a fun day too! And I'll write here soon. Love you all!
Saturday 26 April 2014
Wednesday 16 April 2014
How she made me feel
If you cared what that title says you've probably guessed that this is going to be a post about how one person made me feel. I'm of course talking about my crush and I'm aware that people do these posts about how much in love they are and there are stories of how love makes you feel. I don't want to be that person that does something just because other people does it, but neither do I want to be that person who avoids something just because other people do it. Either way I've lost, so I'm going to write a pretty long post about how this one person made me feel.. If you don't want to read it, then click on something else OK? Deal? Suit yourself.
I don't know what love at first sight means. I'm not sure, since everybody has their own interpretation. So I'm not going to use that phrase. I'm gonna say: I saw this woman and I was drawn to her. She sat around a large group of people and she was quiet, shy, yet there was this presence to her. In the back of my head I thought to myself "I want to get to know her". I managed to get her chat name and I wrote to her. From that moment we talked every day, a couple of messages from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep again. Everytime I told myself that I shouldn't fall in love. I had made a promise to myself that I didn't want anyone in my life right now, I couldn't handle a relationship since I still needed to sort out some things in my life. My feelings however didn't want to listen at my reasonable brain. I tried my best to quiet down my feelings but every time she wrote to me, every time I saw her, my heart jumped and I got excited by every message, every word, and she just made me so happy. She was honest, smart and just pure wonderful. My head got lighter for each day that went and it made me feel so good that in time, I didn't care if we would grow old together or just have a wonderful short time together. As long as I could feel this light and happy, it didn't matter.
As my feelings grew just her smile was able to sent tingly sparkles inside me. Her laugh, her considerate eyes, her voice... I wanted to wake up to that every morning. I was also beginning to think that she wanted the same thing. However my head reminded me that she was a straight girl and I was a woman. The problem of sex would come up whether I wanted it or not, and I was not willing to share my woman. However I started to test her, to see if she could think of being together with me. Just simple things, like calling her "my cutie" which she didn't seem to have a problem with. Holding her hand when we walked around in the city and stroking it, which she also didn't seem to have a problem with. That one moment of just holding her hand and stroing it... I was in heaven. The warmth from it, the softness of it, the confidence from her that made it's way towards me. God it was a wonderful feeling. Such a little thing when you think about it, we were just holding hands, but... My light head flew higher into those pink clouds I had been dancing on for a couple of weeks. That day when I got home, I saw a blog post from her with a picture of two Pokémons with a heart above their heads... Of course that made my head jump higher into the sky and my heart was calm since it believed that I had got my woman. I also started sending her texts like "I wish you were here with me now" and stuff like that, not too pushy though, but she didn't seem to have a problem with that. She also started to do stuff like that, when she was out in a large group and I wasn't there she said "It would've been much more fun if you were there. It isn't the same without you." and of course that fueled my feelings even more. One day we met in a larger group in a café, however we didn't get to talk that much with each other, so when we got home (each at their own home) I said to her that it wasn't enough and she agreed. We talked all night about how we missed each other and we wanted to see each other soon and then she started talking about "All these emotions make me feel weird". I had no idea what to think about that, I didn't want to hope for too much so I asked her, but she backed away from that question and we both went to bed.
Then came that day when she confessed to have feelings about someone. "I don't know what it means, they're not strong, but they're there". I asked her if she wanted to tell me of whom she has these feelings for and her answer was: "Not yet". Even that fueled my feelings. It came to a point where I didn't see all the trouble around me. I was happy, I didn't care about anything else in the world. It was just her and me and I was satisfied with that. I haven't felt like that EVER. I haven't been dancing on pink clouds as much as when I was with her. My heart haven't been calm and exciting like that ever, my heart haven't been trying to escape my chest any time I wasn't with her and completely calm when I talked to her... She made me feel so crazy and wonderful at the same time, and I knew I didn't want anyone to steal her from me. I wanted her to be mine, I didn't want her to want someone else, to think about someone else, to dream about someone else... Just because that person happens to have a Penis! That fucking disgusting thing that destroys everything! So I made a decision, I decided to tell her about my feelings. I was going to meet her to hang out at her house (so she could throw me out if she didn't like it) and we hung out. We played with out dolls, we watched a movie, and then we just sat there quietly and just looked at each other. I so wanted to kiss her and touch her. I wasn't going to be happy if I didn't touch that body, I haven't felt like that before either. But I contained myself. I kept to my corner of the couch and she kept to hers. Until she finally told me to leave. I was disappointed, it was still early, so I asked her if she didn't want me there and her answer in short were: "It's not that, I just don't want you here". So I obeyed and I started to leave. Then she clings on me and says: "You can't think that I'm kicking you out". I was thinking to myself "How can I not" since she was kicking me out! But I didn't say it, instead I started to hold on to her arms that was around me and just sat there, in heaven again. Still disappointed that she didn't want to be with me, but... I tried to leave several times and she stopped me each time. I asked her: "Why are you stopping me when you want me to leave?" and she answered "Because I don't want you to leave and be sad". She was so wonderful... We sat there a few moments more with her arms around me and my arms around hers.. Leaning against each other and just... Until her parents came in and asked about dinner. We untied each other and then I was fast to leave before she stopped me again, I didn't want to be a nuisance to her. She followed me to the station and before we said good bye to each other I told her about my feelings. As she rejected them, I still felt light and I still felt that I was with a wonderful human being. We parted as friends and on the way home... Yeah, you know about that..
The day after however... I felt like shit. I didn't even get out of bed. It really did feel like I had been dancing in the skies on pink clouds and then took a wrong turn and fell all the way down to earth. I used to say all the butterflies that had been fluttering about whenever she talked to me had burned down from all the warmth my heart had produced and now they lay inside me like a pile of ashes. It litterly felt like I had a weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away. It felt like that for a week. And then it just disappeared. I was going to watch a TV show with mother and on my way there the weight was just gone. Now I feel like my old happy self again filled with inspiration and dreams. And I feel good. I really do. Right now me and my crush isn't speaking.. she wanted to change me, and I don't like that. She wouldn't be happy until I stopped worrying about her. Worry makes me feel happy and if she can't handle that... Well then she can talk to someone else.
Thank you for reading! I don't regret telling her. At all! Now I know she doesn't feel the same and I can move on. That's why we tell people we love them. So we can stop dreaming and live in the real world whether it be together or apart. Just move on, life has more things to offer than love. That's what my novel is about! Now I'm gonna go and be with my friend! ... Busy week.. Friends have been coming over every other day now it feels like.. And soon it's easter too! But I'm happy again. I can enjoy myself and that's what I'm most happy about.
I don't know what love at first sight means. I'm not sure, since everybody has their own interpretation. So I'm not going to use that phrase. I'm gonna say: I saw this woman and I was drawn to her. She sat around a large group of people and she was quiet, shy, yet there was this presence to her. In the back of my head I thought to myself "I want to get to know her". I managed to get her chat name and I wrote to her. From that moment we talked every day, a couple of messages from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep again. Everytime I told myself that I shouldn't fall in love. I had made a promise to myself that I didn't want anyone in my life right now, I couldn't handle a relationship since I still needed to sort out some things in my life. My feelings however didn't want to listen at my reasonable brain. I tried my best to quiet down my feelings but every time she wrote to me, every time I saw her, my heart jumped and I got excited by every message, every word, and she just made me so happy. She was honest, smart and just pure wonderful. My head got lighter for each day that went and it made me feel so good that in time, I didn't care if we would grow old together or just have a wonderful short time together. As long as I could feel this light and happy, it didn't matter.
As my feelings grew just her smile was able to sent tingly sparkles inside me. Her laugh, her considerate eyes, her voice... I wanted to wake up to that every morning. I was also beginning to think that she wanted the same thing. However my head reminded me that she was a straight girl and I was a woman. The problem of sex would come up whether I wanted it or not, and I was not willing to share my woman. However I started to test her, to see if she could think of being together with me. Just simple things, like calling her "my cutie" which she didn't seem to have a problem with. Holding her hand when we walked around in the city and stroking it, which she also didn't seem to have a problem with. That one moment of just holding her hand and stroing it... I was in heaven. The warmth from it, the softness of it, the confidence from her that made it's way towards me. God it was a wonderful feeling. Such a little thing when you think about it, we were just holding hands, but... My light head flew higher into those pink clouds I had been dancing on for a couple of weeks. That day when I got home, I saw a blog post from her with a picture of two Pokémons with a heart above their heads... Of course that made my head jump higher into the sky and my heart was calm since it believed that I had got my woman. I also started sending her texts like "I wish you were here with me now" and stuff like that, not too pushy though, but she didn't seem to have a problem with that. She also started to do stuff like that, when she was out in a large group and I wasn't there she said "It would've been much more fun if you were there. It isn't the same without you." and of course that fueled my feelings even more. One day we met in a larger group in a café, however we didn't get to talk that much with each other, so when we got home (each at their own home) I said to her that it wasn't enough and she agreed. We talked all night about how we missed each other and we wanted to see each other soon and then she started talking about "All these emotions make me feel weird". I had no idea what to think about that, I didn't want to hope for too much so I asked her, but she backed away from that question and we both went to bed.
Then came that day when she confessed to have feelings about someone. "I don't know what it means, they're not strong, but they're there". I asked her if she wanted to tell me of whom she has these feelings for and her answer was: "Not yet". Even that fueled my feelings. It came to a point where I didn't see all the trouble around me. I was happy, I didn't care about anything else in the world. It was just her and me and I was satisfied with that. I haven't felt like that EVER. I haven't been dancing on pink clouds as much as when I was with her. My heart haven't been calm and exciting like that ever, my heart haven't been trying to escape my chest any time I wasn't with her and completely calm when I talked to her... She made me feel so crazy and wonderful at the same time, and I knew I didn't want anyone to steal her from me. I wanted her to be mine, I didn't want her to want someone else, to think about someone else, to dream about someone else... Just because that person happens to have a Penis! That fucking disgusting thing that destroys everything! So I made a decision, I decided to tell her about my feelings. I was going to meet her to hang out at her house (so she could throw me out if she didn't like it) and we hung out. We played with out dolls, we watched a movie, and then we just sat there quietly and just looked at each other. I so wanted to kiss her and touch her. I wasn't going to be happy if I didn't touch that body, I haven't felt like that before either. But I contained myself. I kept to my corner of the couch and she kept to hers. Until she finally told me to leave. I was disappointed, it was still early, so I asked her if she didn't want me there and her answer in short were: "It's not that, I just don't want you here". So I obeyed and I started to leave. Then she clings on me and says: "You can't think that I'm kicking you out". I was thinking to myself "How can I not" since she was kicking me out! But I didn't say it, instead I started to hold on to her arms that was around me and just sat there, in heaven again. Still disappointed that she didn't want to be with me, but... I tried to leave several times and she stopped me each time. I asked her: "Why are you stopping me when you want me to leave?" and she answered "Because I don't want you to leave and be sad". She was so wonderful... We sat there a few moments more with her arms around me and my arms around hers.. Leaning against each other and just... Until her parents came in and asked about dinner. We untied each other and then I was fast to leave before she stopped me again, I didn't want to be a nuisance to her. She followed me to the station and before we said good bye to each other I told her about my feelings. As she rejected them, I still felt light and I still felt that I was with a wonderful human being. We parted as friends and on the way home... Yeah, you know about that..
The day after however... I felt like shit. I didn't even get out of bed. It really did feel like I had been dancing in the skies on pink clouds and then took a wrong turn and fell all the way down to earth. I used to say all the butterflies that had been fluttering about whenever she talked to me had burned down from all the warmth my heart had produced and now they lay inside me like a pile of ashes. It litterly felt like I had a weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away. It felt like that for a week. And then it just disappeared. I was going to watch a TV show with mother and on my way there the weight was just gone. Now I feel like my old happy self again filled with inspiration and dreams. And I feel good. I really do. Right now me and my crush isn't speaking.. she wanted to change me, and I don't like that. She wouldn't be happy until I stopped worrying about her. Worry makes me feel happy and if she can't handle that... Well then she can talk to someone else.
Thank you for reading! I don't regret telling her. At all! Now I know she doesn't feel the same and I can move on. That's why we tell people we love them. So we can stop dreaming and live in the real world whether it be together or apart. Just move on, life has more things to offer than love. That's what my novel is about! Now I'm gonna go and be with my friend! ... Busy week.. Friends have been coming over every other day now it feels like.. And soon it's easter too! But I'm happy again. I can enjoy myself and that's what I'm most happy about.
Monday 14 April 2014
Underground painting
I just have to tell you about my dream.
There was me and my friend (don't know her in real life) and we were walking down the street and we come across these fallen trees. The ground was about to give in and that's why the trees fell, so it left a hole in the ground. A girl was sticking her head in one of these wholes and me and my friend thought she was stuck. So we helped her out of there. Sure enough she was stuck, but with a little effort we managed to get her out. However when she was free she kept screaming about putting her back in. I asked her why she wanted to be put back in and she said:
- Because I want to live in that painting.
And she pointed at a painting on a wall behind the fallen trees. It was a painting half underground and half above ground. Above ground there was nothing but trees, it was foggy and dark. Underground there was these tunnels formed by the roots of the trees and it was not dark there, it was light and cozy. Sinze the girl wanted to live in it, she tried to dig it herself.
It was just a weird dream that I wanted to share with you. It was a short dream followed by many other dreams but it still left an impression. You can probably see why.
There was me and my friend (don't know her in real life) and we were walking down the street and we come across these fallen trees. The ground was about to give in and that's why the trees fell, so it left a hole in the ground. A girl was sticking her head in one of these wholes and me and my friend thought she was stuck. So we helped her out of there. Sure enough she was stuck, but with a little effort we managed to get her out. However when she was free she kept screaming about putting her back in. I asked her why she wanted to be put back in and she said:
- Because I want to live in that painting.
And she pointed at a painting on a wall behind the fallen trees. It was a painting half underground and half above ground. Above ground there was nothing but trees, it was foggy and dark. Underground there was these tunnels formed by the roots of the trees and it was not dark there, it was light and cozy. Sinze the girl wanted to live in it, she tried to dig it herself.
It was just a weird dream that I wanted to share with you. It was a short dream followed by many other dreams but it still left an impression. You can probably see why.
Sunday 6 April 2014
A bit of happiness thanks to Disney
I'm feeling good right now! No aching in the chest, I'm not shaking, I don't have a headache nor stomachace! I do feel like I don't have a care in the world again, I feel quite good! ... Don't know what happened, all the bad thoughts just.. disappeared suddenly. Me and mother was watching Midsomer Murders and then it just went "poof"! And I wasn't feeling bad anymore. Don't really know why...
Today I've been painting a shirt-print, haven't played any games and I helped mother painting her nails (did a special spiderweb print on her nails).. Nothing special. I didn't have any nightmare that night either so there was nothing that haven't happen before. Although I did end up going to sleep that night quite happy.
After I wrote my last post I watched some YouTube and found clips of Darkwing Duck in Swedish. I have always loved Darkwing Duck but it's really difficult to find it in Swedish. So I looked a little further on the internet and guess what! I found it! That made me so happy and... Maybe that has something to do with it? I don't know. Either way, I thank Disney and Darkwing Duck for helping me finding at least one bit of happiness in these dark times of mine! Thank you so much!
Today I've been painting a shirt-print, haven't played any games and I helped mother painting her nails (did a special spiderweb print on her nails).. Nothing special. I didn't have any nightmare that night either so there was nothing that haven't happen before. Although I did end up going to sleep that night quite happy.
After I wrote my last post I watched some YouTube and found clips of Darkwing Duck in Swedish. I have always loved Darkwing Duck but it's really difficult to find it in Swedish. So I looked a little further on the internet and guess what! I found it! That made me so happy and... Maybe that has something to do with it? I don't know. Either way, I thank Disney and Darkwing Duck for helping me finding at least one bit of happiness in these dark times of mine! Thank you so much!
Saturday 5 April 2014
The Nights are Worse
Suring the day, I feel Ok. As Ok as can be espected by the circumstances. I do what I do, I write, I play games, I talk to the few friends I have and I even make plans of the future. I feel like my old self during the day, thinking about nothing else but what's to be done.
The nights however... Since it's dark I can't really do much. Since my body gets tired I can't really do much so my brain does all the working. You know what that's like I bet. Everybody probably has a time when it becomes quiet and you have nothing else but your thoughts... And when something is bothering you... There's a different reaction to everyone, everyone react differently when that happens. Depending on the situation and how your life looks too. If you've been reading this blog long, you know pretty much what's bothering me. It's the job thing again and then my crush who is straight and there's something else.
I blocked one person from my life, turned my back on her when she probably needed me the most just because I wasn't feeling good myself. I have punished myself for that, I don't know if I can forgive myself for that because I don't see a good reason to why I should. But a few days ago I contacted her again. Told her exactly what happened on that day I blocked her, what I felt and we started talking again. The thing is... she has someone at her side. Someone who cares for her, sleeps with her and right now I'm jealous. But that's just beating on me more since.. What the hell have I done with my life? I still don't have a job, I still just sit around doing nothing.. Well I write, but I don't finish it... I have a crush that doesn't want anything to do with me. I have beaten myself up, because I thought that was the right thing to do.. So now I beat myself more up just because of that... And I'm sick of it!
My head is going crazy! Every night I can't sleep because my head is just spinning out of control... I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist but I don't have a real problem. Why do you see a psychologist for? Your parents divorce? I don't have a problem with that. Your life partner? I don't have one to worry about. Your drinking problem? I don't drink! I don't have any problem what so ever... So why the hell am I doing this to myself? It's all me, my brain, my thoughts! Every night I wish it could just stop! Why am I feeling bad over something that happened in the past? Why am I just sitting on my butt all day, hoping the world would understand that I'm trying to live my life? .... Because I'm scared! I'm afraid to disappoint everybody. Most of all myself. So I don't try, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. I beat myself up, because I think that's nothing more than I deserve. I am nobody. Just another human that's trying to make it to the next day. I'm still here! So can I just stop being a coward and prove to the world that I am NOT just any human. Please?
The nights however... Since it's dark I can't really do much. Since my body gets tired I can't really do much so my brain does all the working. You know what that's like I bet. Everybody probably has a time when it becomes quiet and you have nothing else but your thoughts... And when something is bothering you... There's a different reaction to everyone, everyone react differently when that happens. Depending on the situation and how your life looks too. If you've been reading this blog long, you know pretty much what's bothering me. It's the job thing again and then my crush who is straight and there's something else.
I blocked one person from my life, turned my back on her when she probably needed me the most just because I wasn't feeling good myself. I have punished myself for that, I don't know if I can forgive myself for that because I don't see a good reason to why I should. But a few days ago I contacted her again. Told her exactly what happened on that day I blocked her, what I felt and we started talking again. The thing is... she has someone at her side. Someone who cares for her, sleeps with her and right now I'm jealous. But that's just beating on me more since.. What the hell have I done with my life? I still don't have a job, I still just sit around doing nothing.. Well I write, but I don't finish it... I have a crush that doesn't want anything to do with me. I have beaten myself up, because I thought that was the right thing to do.. So now I beat myself more up just because of that... And I'm sick of it!
My head is going crazy! Every night I can't sleep because my head is just spinning out of control... I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist but I don't have a real problem. Why do you see a psychologist for? Your parents divorce? I don't have a problem with that. Your life partner? I don't have one to worry about. Your drinking problem? I don't drink! I don't have any problem what so ever... So why the hell am I doing this to myself? It's all me, my brain, my thoughts! Every night I wish it could just stop! Why am I feeling bad over something that happened in the past? Why am I just sitting on my butt all day, hoping the world would understand that I'm trying to live my life? .... Because I'm scared! I'm afraid to disappoint everybody. Most of all myself. So I don't try, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. I beat myself up, because I think that's nothing more than I deserve. I am nobody. Just another human that's trying to make it to the next day. I'm still here! So can I just stop being a coward and prove to the world that I am NOT just any human. Please?
Friday 4 April 2014
The Trip
I had a dream last night.... Nothing surprising there, but this was a dream about my crush.
A few friends (I don't know them in real life) and my crush and me was offered to go on a trip. The friends all said yes and I also said yes. My crush however was a little more hesitant. With much persuasion she still didn't want to go, so she was left behind while the rest of us went on this trip. Two of the friends took this really bad and they were sad that my crush didn't come with us. They blamed it on their selves, saying that she should be there instead of them and so on and so forth. Since it's a dream, something happened to them. As they continued to blame it on themselves they started to shrink, to become very small and very depressing. It was as if they'd given up on everything. When they were so small that they fitted in a lunchbox I got sick of their attitude. I told them: "You're not going to ruin yourself over one person are you? She's not here, but you are! You might as well enjoy yourself. You're going to let one person stop you from enjoying your time here?" I think I said more, but I don't remember it all. Even so, my encouragement worked and they grew into their normal size and joined the fun on that trip.
... What do you think this mean? It's probably very obvious that my crush not wanting to come on the trip represents my confession to her. And probably that the two friends that gor depressed represents me... But then why was I the one to encourage them? Why wasn't it me that got depressed and my friends encouraged me? Why was it switched around?
A few friends (I don't know them in real life) and my crush and me was offered to go on a trip. The friends all said yes and I also said yes. My crush however was a little more hesitant. With much persuasion she still didn't want to go, so she was left behind while the rest of us went on this trip. Two of the friends took this really bad and they were sad that my crush didn't come with us. They blamed it on their selves, saying that she should be there instead of them and so on and so forth. Since it's a dream, something happened to them. As they continued to blame it on themselves they started to shrink, to become very small and very depressing. It was as if they'd given up on everything. When they were so small that they fitted in a lunchbox I got sick of their attitude. I told them: "You're not going to ruin yourself over one person are you? She's not here, but you are! You might as well enjoy yourself. You're going to let one person stop you from enjoying your time here?" I think I said more, but I don't remember it all. Even so, my encouragement worked and they grew into their normal size and joined the fun on that trip.
... What do you think this mean? It's probably very obvious that my crush not wanting to come on the trip represents my confession to her. And probably that the two friends that gor depressed represents me... But then why was I the one to encourage them? Why wasn't it me that got depressed and my friends encouraged me? Why was it switched around?
Tuesday 1 April 2014
A monster in Paris
I.. I hide my light inside a cloak of night
Beneath the red scarf and a chapeaux
The pearl of my heart locked within a shell
too afraid to let it go, to let it show
and all the headlines read
for the whole world to see
A Monster in Paris
I fall apart, I fall apart, apparently
I did appear beneath the light
yes it was me
A Monster in Paris
it's as if notes I sing set me free
I keep all my dreams under a lock and key
I'm so afraid that they will fly, away from me
A Monster in Paris
A Monster in Paris
A Monster in Paris
(From the movie "A monster in Paris", a really good movie with great music.)
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