Yeah.... A lot have happened since my last entry, that's why I haven't written here in a while because I've been kind of exhausted due to everything that has been going on. So, the most recent event that happened is...
My computer died. The one computer I've had for about six years have finally drawn the last energy of the broken battery it was holding on to. It was old and I knew that there was nothing I could do... I hoped that I could avoid this for as long as possible, but... Today it just couldn't hold on anymore. It finally let go of the cord and let the battery die out... My dear computer...
It's probably weird to be talking about a computer like it was a living thing, but to me, that computer was my life. I had everything in there, my videos, my stories, my pictures and projects I was working on. I used that computer 24/7, I had it on when I was asleep because I don't have TV channels, or a radio to listen to while I'm sleeping (and I must have something to listen to because otherwise I get pannicked and can't sleep) and it just.... It's hard.. And how do you replace a computer which you have used 24/7 in six years? I brought that computer to my friends so we could watch movies on it, I used that computer for EVERYTHING... How do you replace it?
Well, my stories are at least safe in a USB as well as most of my pictures, but my videos are still in that computer and I can't turn it on even if it's plugged in so... Hopefully I can get everything out, but I'm not sure... At least I have my stories and everything I've written in the past. So, it's good that far.
Monday 23 June 2014
Wednesday 28 May 2014
I freaking LOVE Grand Theft Auto 5
I have had an awesome day today!
All I've done is sit on my chair and played games, but... Holy crap was that fun!
I ate my breakfast as always and then my friend asked me if I wanted to play some GTA V. I was supposed to sew and be a good girl, but... I rather play GTA V so I agreed. I'm really glad that I agreed to play GTA V with her!
One time we were being chased by a Jet and managed to survive, we were both in cars of course, and a short minute after that we were being chased by a helicopter and we survived that. Then the guy who chased us first came at us again and we managed to survive him a second time! He had like 198rp and we only had 12rp and we managed to escape him! That was so much fun and I felt so proud over myself after that.
Then we started to play some missions and she wanted to play it safe and like a "gentleman".. I was going to play it like "winner takes all" like you're supposed to in GTA so when she took the drugs, I killed her and stole the drugs from her which I then tried to deliver to the right place... Although, at this point my friend had gotten pretty mad and as I suspected she tried to kill me.. The problem was though that she hit my car more than she hit me and so I was trying to drive a truck with only one good tire. In the end I couldn't even drive it normally so I tried to back it up to the spot and guess what.. I STILL managed to deliver the drugs and I won that round! I laughed so hard about that and my friend was SO mad!
Then we tried another mission, where I was going to let her win just because she had gotten SO mad at me, but instead we managed to find ourselves with a complete stranger that joined our game. So me and my friend were on a team and was supposed to deliver a man in a limo to his mansion or something and the other guy was going to try and stop us. I managed to get a headshot on the guy as we were driving and I'm feeling pretty good about that. It just means that I'm starting to get better at GTA and it's making me feel good!
Also after a while my friend was still feeling a bit down after I killed her in that mission that she went to a strip club and started drinking. I searched around until I got backstage with a stripper and after a while I hear her screaming "There's another player in here!".. You can't fight or anything when you're inside so I wasn't really worried, but after hearing her scream about "He's following me!" I had to go and see what the fuzz was all about. Turns out there was this guy called Hunty that was just following us and wanted to just have fun. Me and him killed each other all the time and that was so much fun. However my friend thought he was annoying because he kept shooting her too and he also nagged about getting into his vehicle and she's not as good at English as I am so she had a hard time understanding him so I think it was just a communication problem there... Anyway, I had a total blast with Hunty, even after my friend left to eat I thought I was going to be bored pretty quickly, but nope! I still hung out with him and we had so much fun! I even got to drive the new car in the game (the one that looks like it's from Tron) and OMG what a dream car that is!! It drives so freaking good that I can't believe it! You who have been in that car knows what I'm talking about, you other guys... You're in for a treat!
Me and Hunty mostly just fooled around with other players and tried to kill them (I got killed many times, since I really do suck at games) but so did Hunty and he still didn't run away from a fight! The spirit in that guy you just have to admire. Also there was kind of a cute moment where he asked me how old I was and I said honestly that I was 23 and then I asked him about his age and he kind of darkened his voice and said "I'm 24"! Of course he was a lot younger than that, but it was just so cute. And then I said "You're so tiny!" and he kind of got sadface as he said "Why are you bullying me?" and I just went: "Because you shot me! I have a right to bully you!" and after that there was a small pause before he said "Maybe.." and meow! He was just so cute! It was a shame my friend didn't like him because I sure did! I hope I can play more with him some day. He sent me a friend request so we're friends on the PS3, but nothing more than that so.. Hopefully I can catch him online some day.
So.. After about 8pm I told him I had to go, because I had been playing for eight hours, without eating dinner and without going to the bathroom so I was pretty darn hungry and with not much energy left in my body, so I logged out and then made me a sandwich so that I wouldn't pass out (I have a really weak body and I'm trying really hard to take care of it) So before I go to bed and get some sleep I wanted to write about this day because dear God do I want to remember it! I'm not really writing it for the person who reads this, I'm mostly writing for me because I don't want this memory to ever go away.
And for you who reads this... Even if you're feeling like you can't accomplish something, even if you feel worthless or if you're feeling incredibly alone and unloved... If I who sucks at games and have those feelings too, can have a great day like this with a game... You can too! But it's not going to come to you so you have to help yourself with doing something else than just stare into space and wait for good things to happen. That never works. I played GTA online and met a funny guy who wanted to play with me too (even if I did suck) and if I can get that... Anything can happen! It's a great world we're living in if you just look in the right places and don't concentrate on the bad things! If you're doing that... Then it's not the world that are beating down on you. It's yourself. Stop looking for bad days because if you do, you're going to find it. If you're looking for good days, they will come. Maybe not tomorrow and maybe not the day after that, but they will come. It's easier to find the bad days than the good days so just.. Enjoy yourself the fullest when you have a really good time. Good night. Hope you'll feel better soon. And if you are, I feel glad for you. Bye bye!
All I've done is sit on my chair and played games, but... Holy crap was that fun!
I ate my breakfast as always and then my friend asked me if I wanted to play some GTA V. I was supposed to sew and be a good girl, but... I rather play GTA V so I agreed. I'm really glad that I agreed to play GTA V with her!
One time we were being chased by a Jet and managed to survive, we were both in cars of course, and a short minute after that we were being chased by a helicopter and we survived that. Then the guy who chased us first came at us again and we managed to survive him a second time! He had like 198rp and we only had 12rp and we managed to escape him! That was so much fun and I felt so proud over myself after that.
Then we started to play some missions and she wanted to play it safe and like a "gentleman".. I was going to play it like "winner takes all" like you're supposed to in GTA so when she took the drugs, I killed her and stole the drugs from her which I then tried to deliver to the right place... Although, at this point my friend had gotten pretty mad and as I suspected she tried to kill me.. The problem was though that she hit my car more than she hit me and so I was trying to drive a truck with only one good tire. In the end I couldn't even drive it normally so I tried to back it up to the spot and guess what.. I STILL managed to deliver the drugs and I won that round! I laughed so hard about that and my friend was SO mad!
Then we tried another mission, where I was going to let her win just because she had gotten SO mad at me, but instead we managed to find ourselves with a complete stranger that joined our game. So me and my friend were on a team and was supposed to deliver a man in a limo to his mansion or something and the other guy was going to try and stop us. I managed to get a headshot on the guy as we were driving and I'm feeling pretty good about that. It just means that I'm starting to get better at GTA and it's making me feel good!
Also after a while my friend was still feeling a bit down after I killed her in that mission that she went to a strip club and started drinking. I searched around until I got backstage with a stripper and after a while I hear her screaming "There's another player in here!".. You can't fight or anything when you're inside so I wasn't really worried, but after hearing her scream about "He's following me!" I had to go and see what the fuzz was all about. Turns out there was this guy called Hunty that was just following us and wanted to just have fun. Me and him killed each other all the time and that was so much fun. However my friend thought he was annoying because he kept shooting her too and he also nagged about getting into his vehicle and she's not as good at English as I am so she had a hard time understanding him so I think it was just a communication problem there... Anyway, I had a total blast with Hunty, even after my friend left to eat I thought I was going to be bored pretty quickly, but nope! I still hung out with him and we had so much fun! I even got to drive the new car in the game (the one that looks like it's from Tron) and OMG what a dream car that is!! It drives so freaking good that I can't believe it! You who have been in that car knows what I'm talking about, you other guys... You're in for a treat!
Me and Hunty mostly just fooled around with other players and tried to kill them (I got killed many times, since I really do suck at games) but so did Hunty and he still didn't run away from a fight! The spirit in that guy you just have to admire. Also there was kind of a cute moment where he asked me how old I was and I said honestly that I was 23 and then I asked him about his age and he kind of darkened his voice and said "I'm 24"! Of course he was a lot younger than that, but it was just so cute. And then I said "You're so tiny!" and he kind of got sadface as he said "Why are you bullying me?" and I just went: "Because you shot me! I have a right to bully you!" and after that there was a small pause before he said "Maybe.." and meow! He was just so cute! It was a shame my friend didn't like him because I sure did! I hope I can play more with him some day. He sent me a friend request so we're friends on the PS3, but nothing more than that so.. Hopefully I can catch him online some day.
So.. After about 8pm I told him I had to go, because I had been playing for eight hours, without eating dinner and without going to the bathroom so I was pretty darn hungry and with not much energy left in my body, so I logged out and then made me a sandwich so that I wouldn't pass out (I have a really weak body and I'm trying really hard to take care of it) So before I go to bed and get some sleep I wanted to write about this day because dear God do I want to remember it! I'm not really writing it for the person who reads this, I'm mostly writing for me because I don't want this memory to ever go away.
And for you who reads this... Even if you're feeling like you can't accomplish something, even if you feel worthless or if you're feeling incredibly alone and unloved... If I who sucks at games and have those feelings too, can have a great day like this with a game... You can too! But it's not going to come to you so you have to help yourself with doing something else than just stare into space and wait for good things to happen. That never works. I played GTA online and met a funny guy who wanted to play with me too (even if I did suck) and if I can get that... Anything can happen! It's a great world we're living in if you just look in the right places and don't concentrate on the bad things! If you're doing that... Then it's not the world that are beating down on you. It's yourself. Stop looking for bad days because if you do, you're going to find it. If you're looking for good days, they will come. Maybe not tomorrow and maybe not the day after that, but they will come. It's easier to find the bad days than the good days so just.. Enjoy yourself the fullest when you have a really good time. Good night. Hope you'll feel better soon. And if you are, I feel glad for you. Bye bye!
Wednesday 21 May 2014
Home again
*crawls out of my cave and stretches*
Oh! ... Hi, ehum... Yeah! Haven't written here in a while... Mostly because I've been kind of tired and all over the place. Well.. Last time you heard from me I was on my way to London and... Yeah, flying went extremely well, both the take off and the landing, no trouble there. I didn't loose my baggage so I have everything fixed, nothing got destroyed either so it went very well, and I'm happy with our flight. London was Amazing, I loved it, now when I'm back home, I dream about London all the time so.. It left a big impression on me, in a good way!
And since I've gotten home I've felt a little deppressed because I still feel useless and worthless and I don't really have anything or anyone that, not Can, but don't want to talk about. I don't want to talk about these feelings to my friends because they'll probably say I'm being ridiculus and stupid for thinking that I'm useless and I don't really need nor want to hear that. Yeah! To hear that I'm stupid will really make me feel less useless, right? ... Not really, so I don't talk to my friends about that, I'm trying to process the whole thing by myself... It's taking a lot of energy out of me, but now finally I'm starting to think a little positive!
I'm trying to find more friends to hang out with, but I'm starting to get pretty scared about it... I don't want to have my heart broken again.... That sounds wrong, but I don't want to be disappointed or dumped in a corner whenever those people I call friends don't find use for me anymore... Everytime I'm trying to open up to people and be myself it feels like... They think I'm getting too close.... Am I too much? Do I have too much personality? ... Ok, that was a joke, no one can have too much personality, you can have a big personality, but never Too Much. Well! Anyway, I'm trying my best to live in this reality, but it still feels better to escape into my fantasy world. That's what making me the happiest right now, so.. We'll see how it goes!
Right now I'm trying to get out of bed (I'm kind of in pain) and go shopping so I can sew. I've taken a big pain killer and now it's just my will power that's in the way! .. and a little my fear... Meow... Have a nice day!
Oh! ... Hi, ehum... Yeah! Haven't written here in a while... Mostly because I've been kind of tired and all over the place. Well.. Last time you heard from me I was on my way to London and... Yeah, flying went extremely well, both the take off and the landing, no trouble there. I didn't loose my baggage so I have everything fixed, nothing got destroyed either so it went very well, and I'm happy with our flight. London was Amazing, I loved it, now when I'm back home, I dream about London all the time so.. It left a big impression on me, in a good way!
And since I've gotten home I've felt a little deppressed because I still feel useless and worthless and I don't really have anything or anyone that, not Can, but don't want to talk about. I don't want to talk about these feelings to my friends because they'll probably say I'm being ridiculus and stupid for thinking that I'm useless and I don't really need nor want to hear that. Yeah! To hear that I'm stupid will really make me feel less useless, right? ... Not really, so I don't talk to my friends about that, I'm trying to process the whole thing by myself... It's taking a lot of energy out of me, but now finally I'm starting to think a little positive!
I'm trying to find more friends to hang out with, but I'm starting to get pretty scared about it... I don't want to have my heart broken again.... That sounds wrong, but I don't want to be disappointed or dumped in a corner whenever those people I call friends don't find use for me anymore... Everytime I'm trying to open up to people and be myself it feels like... They think I'm getting too close.... Am I too much? Do I have too much personality? ... Ok, that was a joke, no one can have too much personality, you can have a big personality, but never Too Much. Well! Anyway, I'm trying my best to live in this reality, but it still feels better to escape into my fantasy world. That's what making me the happiest right now, so.. We'll see how it goes!
Right now I'm trying to get out of bed (I'm kind of in pain) and go shopping so I can sew. I've taken a big pain killer and now it's just my will power that's in the way! .. and a little my fear... Meow... Have a nice day!
Sunday 4 May 2014
Travel
Today is Sunday, indeed it is. Sunday May 4th 2014 to be exact. And then tomorrow will be Monday, and what happens on Monday?
I'm going to London! I'm so excited! I've never been to the US before and I'm going to stay there for a week and I'm going to ride on London eye, our Hotel is just on the other side of it, and we don't have far to Big Ben or the London Bridge that I've been longing to see! It's going to be so much fun!
And the big part: on Thursday I'm going to where they filmed Harry Potter! God, it's going to be amazing! I don't care what anyone says, I'm going to play tourist and photograph everything I see pretty much! I'm longing for this so much!
I don't really know what more to say, seeing as how I'm pretty tired. I've tried to make myself tired since I'm going up at 3am to make it to the airport and hopefully I'll be able to sleep around 9pm so I can get at least six hours sleep. But I don't see that as a possibility since I usually go to sleep around 1am... Anyway! I've managed to stay happy and positive with just three hours of sleep before so, hopefully it will go well.
I'll give you a post entry when I come back home again and... Yeah, wish me luck on my trip and a safe flight and have a great week you guys!
Bye bye!
I'm going to London! I'm so excited! I've never been to the US before and I'm going to stay there for a week and I'm going to ride on London eye, our Hotel is just on the other side of it, and we don't have far to Big Ben or the London Bridge that I've been longing to see! It's going to be so much fun!
And the big part: on Thursday I'm going to where they filmed Harry Potter! God, it's going to be amazing! I don't care what anyone says, I'm going to play tourist and photograph everything I see pretty much! I'm longing for this so much!
I don't really know what more to say, seeing as how I'm pretty tired. I've tried to make myself tired since I'm going up at 3am to make it to the airport and hopefully I'll be able to sleep around 9pm so I can get at least six hours sleep. But I don't see that as a possibility since I usually go to sleep around 1am... Anyway! I've managed to stay happy and positive with just three hours of sleep before so, hopefully it will go well.
I'll give you a post entry when I come back home again and... Yeah, wish me luck on my trip and a safe flight and have a great week you guys!
Bye bye!
Saturday 26 April 2014
At least now I know
I saw my crush today... She came forward with her friend, greated my friend, I hugged and greated her friend.... We didn'r exchange one word to each other. Not one look. It was as if she wasn't there, I wasn't there in her eyes. She was like a ghost, an illusion... That day, when she said she still wanted to be friends seems so far away.
At least now I know. And now I can move on.
Even with that, I had an awesome day, tons of fun with my friends and I felt beautiful, which I haven't felt in a long time. It felt just like before. Before 2012 and it felt so good. She couldn't wreck my mood, she won't wreck my mood. Now I know that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Now I can stop dreaming about "what if" and move on. Now I can concentrate on my friends that really matters. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Have a great evening! Hope you had a fun day too! And I'll write here soon. Love you all!
At least now I know. And now I can move on.
Even with that, I had an awesome day, tons of fun with my friends and I felt beautiful, which I haven't felt in a long time. It felt just like before. Before 2012 and it felt so good. She couldn't wreck my mood, she won't wreck my mood. Now I know that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Now I can stop dreaming about "what if" and move on. Now I can concentrate on my friends that really matters. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Have a great evening! Hope you had a fun day too! And I'll write here soon. Love you all!
Wednesday 16 April 2014
How she made me feel
If you cared what that title says you've probably guessed that this is going to be a post about how one person made me feel. I'm of course talking about my crush and I'm aware that people do these posts about how much in love they are and there are stories of how love makes you feel. I don't want to be that person that does something just because other people does it, but neither do I want to be that person who avoids something just because other people do it. Either way I've lost, so I'm going to write a pretty long post about how this one person made me feel.. If you don't want to read it, then click on something else OK? Deal? Suit yourself.
I don't know what love at first sight means. I'm not sure, since everybody has their own interpretation. So I'm not going to use that phrase. I'm gonna say: I saw this woman and I was drawn to her. She sat around a large group of people and she was quiet, shy, yet there was this presence to her. In the back of my head I thought to myself "I want to get to know her". I managed to get her chat name and I wrote to her. From that moment we talked every day, a couple of messages from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep again. Everytime I told myself that I shouldn't fall in love. I had made a promise to myself that I didn't want anyone in my life right now, I couldn't handle a relationship since I still needed to sort out some things in my life. My feelings however didn't want to listen at my reasonable brain. I tried my best to quiet down my feelings but every time she wrote to me, every time I saw her, my heart jumped and I got excited by every message, every word, and she just made me so happy. She was honest, smart and just pure wonderful. My head got lighter for each day that went and it made me feel so good that in time, I didn't care if we would grow old together or just have a wonderful short time together. As long as I could feel this light and happy, it didn't matter.
As my feelings grew just her smile was able to sent tingly sparkles inside me. Her laugh, her considerate eyes, her voice... I wanted to wake up to that every morning. I was also beginning to think that she wanted the same thing. However my head reminded me that she was a straight girl and I was a woman. The problem of sex would come up whether I wanted it or not, and I was not willing to share my woman. However I started to test her, to see if she could think of being together with me. Just simple things, like calling her "my cutie" which she didn't seem to have a problem with. Holding her hand when we walked around in the city and stroking it, which she also didn't seem to have a problem with. That one moment of just holding her hand and stroing it... I was in heaven. The warmth from it, the softness of it, the confidence from her that made it's way towards me. God it was a wonderful feeling. Such a little thing when you think about it, we were just holding hands, but... My light head flew higher into those pink clouds I had been dancing on for a couple of weeks. That day when I got home, I saw a blog post from her with a picture of two Pokémons with a heart above their heads... Of course that made my head jump higher into the sky and my heart was calm since it believed that I had got my woman. I also started sending her texts like "I wish you were here with me now" and stuff like that, not too pushy though, but she didn't seem to have a problem with that. She also started to do stuff like that, when she was out in a large group and I wasn't there she said "It would've been much more fun if you were there. It isn't the same without you." and of course that fueled my feelings even more. One day we met in a larger group in a café, however we didn't get to talk that much with each other, so when we got home (each at their own home) I said to her that it wasn't enough and she agreed. We talked all night about how we missed each other and we wanted to see each other soon and then she started talking about "All these emotions make me feel weird". I had no idea what to think about that, I didn't want to hope for too much so I asked her, but she backed away from that question and we both went to bed.
Then came that day when she confessed to have feelings about someone. "I don't know what it means, they're not strong, but they're there". I asked her if she wanted to tell me of whom she has these feelings for and her answer was: "Not yet". Even that fueled my feelings. It came to a point where I didn't see all the trouble around me. I was happy, I didn't care about anything else in the world. It was just her and me and I was satisfied with that. I haven't felt like that EVER. I haven't been dancing on pink clouds as much as when I was with her. My heart haven't been calm and exciting like that ever, my heart haven't been trying to escape my chest any time I wasn't with her and completely calm when I talked to her... She made me feel so crazy and wonderful at the same time, and I knew I didn't want anyone to steal her from me. I wanted her to be mine, I didn't want her to want someone else, to think about someone else, to dream about someone else... Just because that person happens to have a Penis! That fucking disgusting thing that destroys everything! So I made a decision, I decided to tell her about my feelings. I was going to meet her to hang out at her house (so she could throw me out if she didn't like it) and we hung out. We played with out dolls, we watched a movie, and then we just sat there quietly and just looked at each other. I so wanted to kiss her and touch her. I wasn't going to be happy if I didn't touch that body, I haven't felt like that before either. But I contained myself. I kept to my corner of the couch and she kept to hers. Until she finally told me to leave. I was disappointed, it was still early, so I asked her if she didn't want me there and her answer in short were: "It's not that, I just don't want you here". So I obeyed and I started to leave. Then she clings on me and says: "You can't think that I'm kicking you out". I was thinking to myself "How can I not" since she was kicking me out! But I didn't say it, instead I started to hold on to her arms that was around me and just sat there, in heaven again. Still disappointed that she didn't want to be with me, but... I tried to leave several times and she stopped me each time. I asked her: "Why are you stopping me when you want me to leave?" and she answered "Because I don't want you to leave and be sad". She was so wonderful... We sat there a few moments more with her arms around me and my arms around hers.. Leaning against each other and just... Until her parents came in and asked about dinner. We untied each other and then I was fast to leave before she stopped me again, I didn't want to be a nuisance to her. She followed me to the station and before we said good bye to each other I told her about my feelings. As she rejected them, I still felt light and I still felt that I was with a wonderful human being. We parted as friends and on the way home... Yeah, you know about that..
The day after however... I felt like shit. I didn't even get out of bed. It really did feel like I had been dancing in the skies on pink clouds and then took a wrong turn and fell all the way down to earth. I used to say all the butterflies that had been fluttering about whenever she talked to me had burned down from all the warmth my heart had produced and now they lay inside me like a pile of ashes. It litterly felt like I had a weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away. It felt like that for a week. And then it just disappeared. I was going to watch a TV show with mother and on my way there the weight was just gone. Now I feel like my old happy self again filled with inspiration and dreams. And I feel good. I really do. Right now me and my crush isn't speaking.. she wanted to change me, and I don't like that. She wouldn't be happy until I stopped worrying about her. Worry makes me feel happy and if she can't handle that... Well then she can talk to someone else.
Thank you for reading! I don't regret telling her. At all! Now I know she doesn't feel the same and I can move on. That's why we tell people we love them. So we can stop dreaming and live in the real world whether it be together or apart. Just move on, life has more things to offer than love. That's what my novel is about! Now I'm gonna go and be with my friend! ... Busy week.. Friends have been coming over every other day now it feels like.. And soon it's easter too! But I'm happy again. I can enjoy myself and that's what I'm most happy about.
I don't know what love at first sight means. I'm not sure, since everybody has their own interpretation. So I'm not going to use that phrase. I'm gonna say: I saw this woman and I was drawn to her. She sat around a large group of people and she was quiet, shy, yet there was this presence to her. In the back of my head I thought to myself "I want to get to know her". I managed to get her chat name and I wrote to her. From that moment we talked every day, a couple of messages from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep again. Everytime I told myself that I shouldn't fall in love. I had made a promise to myself that I didn't want anyone in my life right now, I couldn't handle a relationship since I still needed to sort out some things in my life. My feelings however didn't want to listen at my reasonable brain. I tried my best to quiet down my feelings but every time she wrote to me, every time I saw her, my heart jumped and I got excited by every message, every word, and she just made me so happy. She was honest, smart and just pure wonderful. My head got lighter for each day that went and it made me feel so good that in time, I didn't care if we would grow old together or just have a wonderful short time together. As long as I could feel this light and happy, it didn't matter.
As my feelings grew just her smile was able to sent tingly sparkles inside me. Her laugh, her considerate eyes, her voice... I wanted to wake up to that every morning. I was also beginning to think that she wanted the same thing. However my head reminded me that she was a straight girl and I was a woman. The problem of sex would come up whether I wanted it or not, and I was not willing to share my woman. However I started to test her, to see if she could think of being together with me. Just simple things, like calling her "my cutie" which she didn't seem to have a problem with. Holding her hand when we walked around in the city and stroking it, which she also didn't seem to have a problem with. That one moment of just holding her hand and stroing it... I was in heaven. The warmth from it, the softness of it, the confidence from her that made it's way towards me. God it was a wonderful feeling. Such a little thing when you think about it, we were just holding hands, but... My light head flew higher into those pink clouds I had been dancing on for a couple of weeks. That day when I got home, I saw a blog post from her with a picture of two Pokémons with a heart above their heads... Of course that made my head jump higher into the sky and my heart was calm since it believed that I had got my woman. I also started sending her texts like "I wish you were here with me now" and stuff like that, not too pushy though, but she didn't seem to have a problem with that. She also started to do stuff like that, when she was out in a large group and I wasn't there she said "It would've been much more fun if you were there. It isn't the same without you." and of course that fueled my feelings even more. One day we met in a larger group in a café, however we didn't get to talk that much with each other, so when we got home (each at their own home) I said to her that it wasn't enough and she agreed. We talked all night about how we missed each other and we wanted to see each other soon and then she started talking about "All these emotions make me feel weird". I had no idea what to think about that, I didn't want to hope for too much so I asked her, but she backed away from that question and we both went to bed.
Then came that day when she confessed to have feelings about someone. "I don't know what it means, they're not strong, but they're there". I asked her if she wanted to tell me of whom she has these feelings for and her answer was: "Not yet". Even that fueled my feelings. It came to a point where I didn't see all the trouble around me. I was happy, I didn't care about anything else in the world. It was just her and me and I was satisfied with that. I haven't felt like that EVER. I haven't been dancing on pink clouds as much as when I was with her. My heart haven't been calm and exciting like that ever, my heart haven't been trying to escape my chest any time I wasn't with her and completely calm when I talked to her... She made me feel so crazy and wonderful at the same time, and I knew I didn't want anyone to steal her from me. I wanted her to be mine, I didn't want her to want someone else, to think about someone else, to dream about someone else... Just because that person happens to have a Penis! That fucking disgusting thing that destroys everything! So I made a decision, I decided to tell her about my feelings. I was going to meet her to hang out at her house (so she could throw me out if she didn't like it) and we hung out. We played with out dolls, we watched a movie, and then we just sat there quietly and just looked at each other. I so wanted to kiss her and touch her. I wasn't going to be happy if I didn't touch that body, I haven't felt like that before either. But I contained myself. I kept to my corner of the couch and she kept to hers. Until she finally told me to leave. I was disappointed, it was still early, so I asked her if she didn't want me there and her answer in short were: "It's not that, I just don't want you here". So I obeyed and I started to leave. Then she clings on me and says: "You can't think that I'm kicking you out". I was thinking to myself "How can I not" since she was kicking me out! But I didn't say it, instead I started to hold on to her arms that was around me and just sat there, in heaven again. Still disappointed that she didn't want to be with me, but... I tried to leave several times and she stopped me each time. I asked her: "Why are you stopping me when you want me to leave?" and she answered "Because I don't want you to leave and be sad". She was so wonderful... We sat there a few moments more with her arms around me and my arms around hers.. Leaning against each other and just... Until her parents came in and asked about dinner. We untied each other and then I was fast to leave before she stopped me again, I didn't want to be a nuisance to her. She followed me to the station and before we said good bye to each other I told her about my feelings. As she rejected them, I still felt light and I still felt that I was with a wonderful human being. We parted as friends and on the way home... Yeah, you know about that..
The day after however... I felt like shit. I didn't even get out of bed. It really did feel like I had been dancing in the skies on pink clouds and then took a wrong turn and fell all the way down to earth. I used to say all the butterflies that had been fluttering about whenever she talked to me had burned down from all the warmth my heart had produced and now they lay inside me like a pile of ashes. It litterly felt like I had a weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away. It felt like that for a week. And then it just disappeared. I was going to watch a TV show with mother and on my way there the weight was just gone. Now I feel like my old happy self again filled with inspiration and dreams. And I feel good. I really do. Right now me and my crush isn't speaking.. she wanted to change me, and I don't like that. She wouldn't be happy until I stopped worrying about her. Worry makes me feel happy and if she can't handle that... Well then she can talk to someone else.
Thank you for reading! I don't regret telling her. At all! Now I know she doesn't feel the same and I can move on. That's why we tell people we love them. So we can stop dreaming and live in the real world whether it be together or apart. Just move on, life has more things to offer than love. That's what my novel is about! Now I'm gonna go and be with my friend! ... Busy week.. Friends have been coming over every other day now it feels like.. And soon it's easter too! But I'm happy again. I can enjoy myself and that's what I'm most happy about.
Monday 14 April 2014
Underground painting
I just have to tell you about my dream.
There was me and my friend (don't know her in real life) and we were walking down the street and we come across these fallen trees. The ground was about to give in and that's why the trees fell, so it left a hole in the ground. A girl was sticking her head in one of these wholes and me and my friend thought she was stuck. So we helped her out of there. Sure enough she was stuck, but with a little effort we managed to get her out. However when she was free she kept screaming about putting her back in. I asked her why she wanted to be put back in and she said:
- Because I want to live in that painting.
And she pointed at a painting on a wall behind the fallen trees. It was a painting half underground and half above ground. Above ground there was nothing but trees, it was foggy and dark. Underground there was these tunnels formed by the roots of the trees and it was not dark there, it was light and cozy. Sinze the girl wanted to live in it, she tried to dig it herself.
It was just a weird dream that I wanted to share with you. It was a short dream followed by many other dreams but it still left an impression. You can probably see why.
There was me and my friend (don't know her in real life) and we were walking down the street and we come across these fallen trees. The ground was about to give in and that's why the trees fell, so it left a hole in the ground. A girl was sticking her head in one of these wholes and me and my friend thought she was stuck. So we helped her out of there. Sure enough she was stuck, but with a little effort we managed to get her out. However when she was free she kept screaming about putting her back in. I asked her why she wanted to be put back in and she said:
- Because I want to live in that painting.
And she pointed at a painting on a wall behind the fallen trees. It was a painting half underground and half above ground. Above ground there was nothing but trees, it was foggy and dark. Underground there was these tunnels formed by the roots of the trees and it was not dark there, it was light and cozy. Sinze the girl wanted to live in it, she tried to dig it herself.
It was just a weird dream that I wanted to share with you. It was a short dream followed by many other dreams but it still left an impression. You can probably see why.
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